z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

First Girl

by EKK15


I used to watch you from the bleachers

as the crowds roared and my friends pointed

and giggled at all the boys waltzing around on the field,

while I watched the girl on the sidelines with the camera

in hopes that you’d look back at me and smile.

You never did.

   

Before I knew any better I was in love.

Before they could snicker and sneer hate,

I was so innocently admiring another girl,

careless and free, my mind untouched by the world,

my heart floating in it's own direction.

     

I’d sit in front of a sky of golden branches,

of early morning pink clouds,

and dark nights under the stars,

just watching, not speaking, but watching.

I watched the way in which you saw the world,

with your passive smile and serious glare,

it was intimidating to know that I was in love with someone

who seemed so strong and powerful, while I hid behind a mask.

    

For as much as I watched you,

you couldn’t spend but a second on me.

I cherished every little “hello” in the hallways,

every time I’d accidentally walk by your classroom

and you happened to look up.

Those moments carried me up to the point where you left.

      

I was in love with you once,

innocently in love.

Even though they explained to me it was wrong,

I keep on watching you from the shadows.


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Random avatar

Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 11:21 pm
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Mathy wrote a review...



Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words

Spoiler! :
I used to watch you from the bleachers

as the crowds roared and my friends pointed

and giggled at all the boys waltzing around on the field,

while I watched the girl on the sidelines with the camera
You are forming a crush on a girl filming the event.
in hopes that you’d look back at me and smile.

You never did.



Before I knew any better I was in love.

Before they could snicker and sneer hate,

I was so innocently admiring another girl,
Your friends hated you for being lesbian or acting in a lesbian way.
careless and free, my mind untouched by the world,

my heart floating in it's own direction.
You were so innocent that at the time you didn't know 'gay' was considered wrong (by ignorants and idiots)


I’d sit in front of a sky of golden branches,

of early morning pink clouds,

and dark nights under the stars,

just watching, not speaking, but watching.

I watched the way in which you saw the world,

with your passive smile and serious glare,
You were completely infatuated by this girl.
it was intimidating to know that I was in love with someone

who seemed so strong and powerful, while I hid behind a mask.
You pretended not to be lesbian and this is the mask.


For as much as I watched you,

you couldn’t spend but a second on me.

I cherished every little “hello” in the hallways,

every time I’d accidentally walk by your classroom

and you happened to look up.
She did not return the love that you gave her, and she was unaware of your affection for her.
Those moments carried me up to the point where you left.



I was in love with you once,

innocently in love.

Even though they explained to me it was wrong,
This last stanza is so sweet because it shows how innocent you were and how you went with your emotions regardless of what others said.
I keep on watching you from the shadows.




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Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:39 am
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EmoBear wrote a review...



Howdy! EmoBear here to review your work!

I really enjoyed this poem. I took the point of view to be feminine, so these feelings resonated with me on a personal level. It has a deeper meaning and it pulled me in from the start.

The first stanza could use a bit more punctuation. Without it, it goes a little fast. I recommend adding some commas, periods, or maybe a semicolon. For the rest of the poem, I believe the punctuation is pretty well placed. Though, in the third stanza on the seventh line, after the word 'girl,' there should be a comma.

The fourth stanza is hard for me to read. It doesn't seem to flow all that well, in my opinion. Reforming the sentences would help to make it easier to grasp.

I loved this poem and the message I gathered from it.

Keep writing,
Emo.




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Mon Aug 07, 2017 2:53 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ for another (pitiful attempt at a) review :)

Quick Disclaimer: I'm going to refer to the MC in the feminine for the review, just because that's easier than saying him/her and his/her for the entire review.

I was so innocently admiring another girl,

careless and free, my mind untouched by the world,


Are you describing the girl the MC was admiring as careless and free, or is the MC describing herself as careless and free? I got a little thrown here because at first it seemed that careless and free referred to the girl, but then you said 'my mind untouched by the world', and that made me think that you were describing yourself in that line.

Those moments carried me up until the point where you left.
Here, is point referring to the point in time or a point in space? Assuming that it means a point in time, I would replace 'until' with 'to' for grammatical purposes.

Overall, I really enjoyed the idea that the MC was in love with the cameragirl on the sidelines of the football games, too scared to make her move, but in admiration of the cameragirl's power and confidence. I thought this was a cute and relatable poem that showed people what having a crush is like, but my only critique would be on the last paragraph. I didn't like the very last line, because it sounded more like an "oops" than an apology, and I think that an apology was what you were going for.

Hopefully my review was helpful, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me! Keep writing, and great job :)

Best wishes,
MJ




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Mon Aug 07, 2017 1:33 pm
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sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

I really, really, really enjoyed this poem. It was beautifully emotional, and I've never found a piece with such hopelessness that I enjoyed so much.

The first stanza was very powerful, because it set the scene for the piece. The strongest lines were the last three of it, which really spoke to the reader. I will comment though that in that one sentence, the girl is referred to as The Girl and You. It read weirdly, so I suggest changing the You in the last two lines to She. It should still have the same powerful effect.

The second stanza is beautiful because it captures the high school/middle school mindset beautifully. Not sure what age the narrator is, but either way, it sings to middle school me.

Not much to say for the third stanza, but the imagery and description was wonderful.

The fourth one is a nice stanza, because it gives us insight into how desperate the narrator is. It shows us that the narrator really doesn't have a chance, and so it also gives us as readers sympathy. We've probably all been there at one point, and even if not, we can imagine how it feels.

The last line of the piece seems a little out of place, but I still like it. It shows a strange mix of regret and lack of regret, like "I should feel bad, and I do, but I also don't." Or at least, that's what it seemed like to me.

Overall, great piece! I hope my review was even a little helpful, I was trying something new with it. Anyway, keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec