The tips of her hair has been dipped in gold
and the silky waves brush her back effortlessly as she runs
her run so distinct, with a sense of pride and power
in her stretches and strides.
Her eyes glance into you and see it all
no need to explain, just a pair of glistening,
cup of coffee steaming, colored eyes
that have the power to make giants feel insignificant.
Her mouth is a cut straight line
her lips rest gently on one another
and when she smiles
it can cut a diamond clean in half.
A voice that sounds like
waves on a lake slowly creeping
up the shoreline against the grainy sand,
or maybe a shoe walking softly on a gravel road.
A gentle touch on the hand.
a promise that means something more
a butterfly taking flight
the winning goal and the tears of joy that follow.
Drawn in, pulled by magnets maybe,
arms wrapped around one another,
and a warm heart that can heal
even the most fatal of wounds.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,811 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
The tips of her hair has been dipped in gold
Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words
Spoiler
and the silky waves brush her back effortlessly as she runs
You are describing your friend's beauty.
her run so distinct, with a sense of pride and power
in her stretches and strides.
Her eyes glance into you and see it all
no need to explain, just a pair of glistening,
cup of coffee steaming, colored eyes
Her hair is blonde, she is confident, she has brown eyes, and her hair is long.
that have the power to make giants feel insignificant.
Her mouth is a cut straight line
her lips rest gently on one another
and when she smiles
it can cut a diamond clean in half.
You are now explaining other parts of her beauty.
A voice that sounds like
waves on a lake slowly creeping
up the shoreline against the grainy sand,
or maybe a shoe walking softly on a gravel road.
A gentle touch on the hand.
a promise that means something more
A promise of friendship or of love?
a butterfly taking flight
the winning goal and the tears of joy that follow.
Drawn in, pulled by magnets maybe,
arms wrapped around one another,
and a warm heart that can heal
Their friendship is so strong that they will always be there for one another.
even the most fatal of wounds.
Legacy here for a review.
I like the concept of this poem, describing a girl in such a way. It seems like the narrator is in love with the girl but it's not written like most romantic poetry (which is good, I like it).
I dislike that you have this all as one stanza though. It makes it seem like it is supposed to be read quickly. I would recommend breaking it up by when the narrator talks about another aspect of her body.
I see that you used some imagery, but it was hard to read it because of the lack of stanza breaks.
I would like to review this again after you add some stanza breaks and I'll actually be able to review the content too.
Hi Legacy!
I'm sorry you disliked the way the poem was formatted. I had it in a different set up before I posted it here, and when I did post it, all my line breaks were erased. I'm still having trouble fixing that, but I did break up the poem into stanzas, so if you would like to review this poem again, I would appreciate it! I'm still trying to learn how to format on here, so hopefully this won't happen again!
Thank you for your time,
E
I loved the thought and the idea.
:D Its a great work full of romantics. Just try to work upon the use of words. They need to convey more of your thought not confine them and leave the readers in daze. I liked the passion and the romanticism. Focus more on the feelings and expression so that the readers feel what you feel..
Hm, I rather like the premise and idea of the poem, full of optimistic grandeur of a romantic lover. I also like the fact that you capitalised the ends of sentences, in where if you ended a line with a full stop, you'll capitalise the start of the following lot, or vice versa, yes I recognise such things.
I think, however that you should try to encompass your ideas into specific words and shorten sentences somewhat, or at least summarise them, this is where a complex vocabulary comes in, and will take time, but you should try to learn new words to apply, to not only make yourself sound more sophisticated, but to make it feel that much more genuine, that this girl is so much more. Size is also an important factor, you should reference prominent poets and decide how you look it yourself, this is where reading is important, I personally like somewhat short poems, or a long poem that follows a specific theme or pattern, like to Kill a Mockingbird, and I know that is a much too referenced poem, but I do not think there is any mistake to that.
In short, sophistication and expression are somewhat lacking, however ideals, passion, and thought are all there, they only need a nurturing pen to glide them to the paper, or in this case, an austere keyboard to transcribe them to the screen, ha ha.