Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Hello dear friend,
I am writing to you tonight rather than speaking
Because goodbyes are too hard,
And I know you’re already gone.
I’ll be crying on the bathroom floor,
11:00 PM with the lights dimmed low
Salty tears mixing with lukewarm water,
Creating a vile concoction of depravity and hopelessness,
All in the night’s damp air.
I won’t be able to drive those same damn roads
Look out the window and see the golden rods of sun,
Grazing over the hills and the ponds
And look miles away at the city skyline
As small as the head of a pin.
When that song comes on,
The one that we’d dance to late in the night
With wrinkled t shirts and messy hair,
I’ll forget where I am and only focus
On exactly where I was with you
When we smiled.
I won’t be able to look at your photographs
The ones you took of me standing ankle deep
In a mound of beach sand
Staring off at the waves and the diving seagull in the ocean.
It’ll hurt to know I may be
A passing memory, a hazing image
That you can sometimes conjure up
But won’t be able to fully remember.
After all, it’ll be so long before we meet again.
So before you go,
Hold me a little longer,
Whisper to me a bit more,
And love me, friend,
A bit harder.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,468 Literary Works • 672,130 Reviews
Hello, EKK15!
Even though a review for this was requested of me the only things that I would change about it is "damn" before "roads." I don't think it's necessary and it also throws the mood of the poem off balance.
One other thing you could to is find more imagery filled words instead of common ones. The length is also a bit long and I personally find a poem that's short and simple to be best. However, I did like this and I think you did a better job here than the other one I reviewed.
Hope this was helpful even though it was really short.
~Ruby
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as requested!
Unsure of why every line is capitalized, though I assume this is a stylistic choice. Similar to the last poem I happened to review of yours (just last night) the flow is still the gaping flaw here. Just in the first stanza there's a use of two words that are considered to be S.T.A.B. words. At least, that's how I've been taught to view them. These words are So, To, And, Because/But and in lines three and four, you begin with these words. This isn't to say that the addition or use of these words is always ineffective, though a lot of the time they only clog up the flow.
In short, whenever you're in an encounter with a word that could be considered filler, read the line aloud and see if the line flows better with or without the use of that word. I admit this is more cohesive than the last poem of yours that I reviewed though this still holds the problem of transitioning between lines and between stanzas. I'm going to suggest working more on diction. In the first stanza, we're seen in the present where the speaker is currently writing this poem to the other person though in the second stanza we see that the first line starts with the word 'I'll'.
I'm a little confused as to when this crying is going to take place because we don't know when the letter is being written. If the crying is 11:00 PM, then when did the speaker write this poem? Overall, I found for the most part the same issues and strengths with this poem as I did the last one. Some nice images, jumping around of topic a bit, and the flow/diction needs to be worked on still.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!
Hi! K1553 here with a review.
First of all, let me just say I really love this poem. Not only is it heartfelt, and shows exactly what you will miss about your friend, but the imagery is perfect. I can see what you say as you describe it. I like the rhythm and flow as well.
I don't really have much to say in terms of criticism. There are some lines that I felt could have use commas at the end: the 6th, 10th, 12th, 21st, and the 23rd. But then again that could just be my style.
So overall, it's a great piece. And I hope you and your friend can keep in touch.
Hey there Ekk15,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.
Nit-picks
I guess you can tell that for the most part I really liked this piece. Normally I have a lot to say about things, however I don't really have much here. I think the only overall thing I have to say involves what I've already said, you don't have to have every line capitalized. If you were to put this in paragraph you wouldn't have randomly capitalized words in the middle of a sentence so why is it like that here.
Other then that, good job, I hope I helped a little bit. Good luck, continue writing and if you have questions feel free to ask.
this is so good!!
Thank you!
Hi! I see you wrote a poem about your friend who's leaving. (I remember you said something about that in a review you left me recently). Honestly it's one of the saddest feelings and you captured it completely. That being said, let's get into the review!
So I really only have one criticism for you, which is the division of your lines. There are a few places where it seems like the poem tripped over itself, which I'll point out.
First place is the second stanza. "concoction of depravity/ and hopelessness". I think the "and hopelessness" would fit better in the line before.
Second is "golden rods/ of sun". I was a bit confused reading it the first time, but after looking at it a second time I got it. It'd be more clear if you put "of sun" in the line before.
Third is the fourth stanza where you say, "And only focus/ on exactly". I think just leaving "when we smiled" as it's own line and moving the rest to the line before would help.
Fourth is "staring off at the waves and/ the diving seagull". Just combining that that all into one line would make it flow more.
If you're catching my drift, when you start lines with words like "and" or "of", it feels like you've chopped the sentence in half, which yeah you did, but each line should feel like its own sentence.
Last thing I want to say is that your last stanza was amazing. It tied the whole poem together and it truely shows your sense of loss and love for your friend. It's one of the best conclusions I've read, honestly.
I hope this review helped!
Thank you so much! Reading your poem inspired me to publish this one.
Oh wow. I'm really glad!