2 AM
With your guard down,
the lights off,
everything, everyone
is free from the grip that usually holds.
Kissing, crying, laughing,
drunken smiles, sober smiles,
an obsession with all we consume our time with
watching them, not seeing, knowing,
they’ve been sitting there
together.
A 2 a.m. is a phone call,
when the eyes have said
“hey I’m over this, but I can’t seem to calm down.”
A sappy movie, that you still cry over,
the way ice cream tastes during heartbreak.
And on your deathbed,
you’ll whisper her name,
and leave the world wondering,
what your life could’ve been had you not been lacking her,
lacking the people we forgot we lost.
2 a.m.
A nightmare.
A dreamer drifting between
whats real,
and the illusion of the girl.
Instead she’s holding
someone else’s hand.
5 AM
i used to wake up 2 times a night.
once, at 2 a.m.
then again at 5.
hands shake like a child holding a snowglobe,
the glass foggy with their breathe.
your words become less powerful,
and they scrape the air like claws on hardwood.
trapped.
between a thin mattress and a sheet
that’s just an ugly excuse for someone else’s skin,
not hers, no comfort.
that sheet can’t hold you,
it has no heartbeat, has no arms to pull you in tighter,
all it can do is choke the words from you
when your parents tuck you in,
5 years old the world’s too big,
too scary, the sounds outside worry you.
clocks tick slower when you watch them,
i’m sure of it, we’re sure of it.
at 5 a.m. all you can do is shut your eyes
tightly,
and wish that the demons,
would leave for work already.
9:47 AM
the sloshing snow,
could not disturb the sound
of bacon in a frying pan,
heat high, air cold.
the lights outside flickered
last night, like a heartbeat,
and pushed the slush
to the side of the road.
this morning the trees were dripping,
and the house was quiet
toes dancing against cold tile,
hands reaching for a warmed mug.
blankets covered you,
and the ground,
you were warm,
but the grass died,
so step on it, not care, and pull
your sled through the woods
the hill seemed to shrink
as children grew.
the bacon is done,
the tea is screaming at you,
the pancakes are cooked,
the table set,
the flowers with frost on them.
10:34 PM
I am warm fingertips inside the car
Against a cold window.
I am stepping on abandoned snail shells
And the reason you prefer blue raspberry
To orange lollipops.
I am the movements in your cheeks
And your thighs when you run down a hill.
I am the vibrations in your ears
When you listen to the loudest song.
I am falling asleep during the quiet film
In your bed late at night, when the eyes are heavy.
I am the slush that was once a snowman.
I am city lights turning on
When the sun decides to turn down it's own.
I am the different ways people close their hands,
4 fingers pressed to palm, middle finger left up.
6:23 PM
There’s a certain shade of blue in the evening
That soothes my untempered soul.
A shade that walks me in the dark,
Holds my very hands amongst cracked pavement,
Cries and screams, but embraces in quiet air.
At the soles of my feet, the grass is rough,
It's spiney and pricks the bridge of my soles.
A little boy falls amongst it, but laughs
As he is unfazed by how it cuts up his legs.
The beach should smell a certain way,
Salt should get up your nose and burn.
But the backyard is too far from the coast,
Too far from the bay as well,
The only smell is that of burgers, and chicken,
Steaks and seafood being bombarded by hungry children
And famished adults.
The feeling of decaying wood is common.
Splinters line up, one by one, and jump
Into an unexpecting hand against a railing.
All is calm, all is blue,
Until the sky becomes warm again,
And all is, as should be,
On fire.
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Canary word: Present
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hi!
So, conceptually, I really like what you're doing. You're pulling in some good imagery (6:23, the first line? Definitely like that, and I think most of us know exactly what you're talking about, too), but I think you can do more with your execution.
In general, I can't tell what you're doing with punctuation/capitalization - your last several stanzas are all capitalized on the first word of the line, but the previous are not. I'm not seeing a reason for this - am I missing it? Unless it's an awake/asleep thing? But if so, I'm not sure that's enough rationale stylistically, at least for me.
On punctuation, watch your comma use! As a serial run-on-sentence creator/sentence splicer, don't do it! But, you do have some commas in places that run between awkward to wrong grammatically, so watch for those (i.e. second stanza, "move, that" is just awkward. I think you can lightly reword those last couple lines to read more clearly. Something like "A sappy movie you still cry over,/how ice cream tastes during heartbreak." Just streamlining what you already have, basically. Not that this is what you have to do, but just as a general statement of watching your use of language, and one way to "clean up" to make it stronger).
Ok, so the above was a bit of a long aside, but I think that's really my point - you're doing lots of telling, and you have some really good imagery, so now just clean it up some more, and look at where you can give us more active language instead of telling/listing.
I loved every moment of time that you described in this poem. Each time and scene captivates the imagery of a child, and the detail of the world. Both stunning.
If I were to choose, all of the lines and stanzas would be my favorite. Not because you crafted them so well, and provided the detail and imagery every story needs to tell that tale, but because each of these stanzas held a different meaning.
The 5 am stanza, for example, tells a story that goes kinda like this: You wake up twice in the night, from fear or just a sense of danger, it doesn't matter. You scream of a story that still haunts you from that moment that scared you awake. You see around you the largeness of your bedroom, perfect hiding places everywhere your eyes touch. As you hear the footsteps of your parents coming to greet you with open arms and warm smiles, you mistake it for the thumps of monsters, ready to claw at you, attack you. But as the door opens quietly, light peaking through, you realize it's your mom and dad, by your side. As they tuck you back in, hoping for good dreams the third time around, your mind drifts back to the world of imagination, and as your mind still holds on to the last moments of light before dark, you hope that your demons of sleep don't come for you once more.
Each of those stanzas tell a different story, as you pictured them so well. I hope to see more from you in te near future! So keep up the fantastical work my friend!
~ Lake
Hello there! This is ZeldaIsShiek here to review some more amazing poetry that I absolutely adore! J'adore this poem because it uses such amazing imagery that captivates the senses and stimulates the mind. In this review, I will give examples of a few times that you used this amazing imagery and why it makes your work feel so complete. Are you ready? Let's begin this review.
The first thing I wanted to say other than the quintessence of this poem being of the highest quality was about the structure of one line in particular. The line "an obsession with all we consume our time with" was very interesting because it felt like it had been incorrectly written, but in reality, it just implies a deeper meaning that we can all relate to... except for me... I believe that "with all" part is implying a romantic or sexual attraction. Something that (almost) everyone searches for in all, which is what a lot of this poem screamed at me.
Now, let's get on to the imagery. The first example of incredible imagery was stating that the tea was "the tea is screaming at you" because it is very relatable to me. When you make tea using a kettle, the steam released form the kettle when the water is boiling makes a shrieking sound that alerts the brewer that their tea is ready to be made. I also felt that the line(s) "I am falling asleep during the quiet film
In your bed late at night, when the eyes are heavy"
Was (were) very relatable because I often falling asleep trying to get caught up with shows for movies that I am behind on.
I hope this review was informative and that you enjoyed it. See you later! ZeldaIsShiek- OUT!