Happy anniversary, kid.
Do you remember crying below the covers,
Putting a pillow over your head as you lay on your side,
Facing the dark walls and watching their shadows dance?
Do you remember your body shaking,
And your hands trembling to no ends,
As you called for the shelter and safety of a distant memory,
Who kept you from breaking apart through the screen of a phone?
Do you remember red stained-glass eyes and messy hair,
And torn pieces of paper thrown into the trashcan,
While spirals of words came at you like daggers?
Do you remember being chased in your dreams
Every night from that day on, sleepless and helpless,
Calling out for someone to hold you before their ugly hands
Could close around your wrists and suffocate you?
Do you remember where you were a year ago?
Wednesday night, warm and muggy,
The house caught fire and you were the cause.
Happy anniversary, kid. Here’s to many more.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey, I'm here to review!
Oh. My. God. This is easily a chilly poem. Like, seriously. You use simple words, but they paint a direct, powerful images in my mind, and I just cannot stop reading it. In fact, I like it before I finish reading it, which says something.
The one-line stanza on its own is a wonderful introduction to a hopefully warm poem, before the second stanza breaks my hope entirely. The latter seems to hint of some sort of monster or ghost the You is having, but the third stanza brings us the possibility that perhaps what terrifies You is human, after all. The mention of phone breaks my suspicion that the poem is set in a medieval era, but it doesn't necessarily makes the poem any less powerful.
Since anniversary indicates You has been married, I would assume You is having a bad marriage. You is terrified and hopes for shelter, but this particular stanza confuses me a bit.
Why would You want Someone to hold Them before Someone close his hands around your's neck (I assume it's neck because no matter how hard someone squeezes your wrist, you won't get suffocated. >.>)? Or perhaps Someone and Their are two different people? If so, you have to make the differences clear because if not, I wonder if You is a masochist.
The second-to-last stanza is simply a revelation. I would suggest to draw in focus about the fire as much as you focus on the fear You have, because if it's elaborated, the idea would be more powerful and poignant. The repetition at the end with a bit of a tweak is nice too, and I'm wondering who is the speaker? Maybe it's You's parent, but I'm not sure. It does seem like the speaker isn't optimistic about the future.
Anyway, that is all! Keep up the good job!
I like this a lot. The image you have created with a small group of words is amazing. It's a very sad poem yet it also is very interesting. You are really a creative writer.
Thank you! It means a lot!!
Hi there! Here to leave a review!
Form & Structure
I like how you've structured the stanzas to create a pattern of 1, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 1. It implies that there's a sense of regularity about what happened in the past to the character of the poem. The repetition of the first line at the end is another strong point as it reminds me of a quote I like ("Every ending is just a new beginning") and it kind of puts a wrap on the poem. It adds emphasis to the reminder that what you've described has happened over a year.
Imagery
Your imagery is pretty good. It's fairly simple, therefore you have the room to slot in some judicious and complex vocabulary to create a more sophisticated poem - which relates to the theme - but then to parallel the kid's age, you need to keep language that they'd use. Example, if they were five, the language would be very simple but if they were sixteen/seventeen, the language choices would be more complex. I also like the metaphors and similes you've used, as they've helped to paint a more vivid picture for the reader, and they help the reader to understand your poem more.
Overall, your poem is good. Just a few finishing touches and you'll have perfected your poem as much as possible. I hope this review has helped you a lot.
KayLou1609