My eyes ache to lock shut,
close the door and be left alone to darkness
a single moment where my mind can rest and drift
as it goes to the darkest and lightest of places.
.
My body starts to lose feeling,
like a ghost, my legs don’t seem to be there
but I know they are, they’re just still.
I don’t move, just my chest slowly going up and down,
my back pressed against the formed mattress
and the buzzing wind of the fan touching the fortress
of blankets I’ve built up over me.
.
Sleep.
Noun. A condition of the body
And of the mind,
a temporary shut off, a temporary shut down.
An escape from reality
into the deepest and darkest cavities
of the human psyche.
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to review your poem!
So you have a lot going on here. In the first two stanzas you have a personal description of fighting exhaustion and longing for sleep and then in the third stanza you delve into a "definition" of sleep. I think putting the definition part at the end is a bit odd, because it feels out of place with the preceding two stanzas. I might suggest moving up that third stanza to be the first stanza instead or take out the "sleep.// noun" part so that it flows better with the other two stanzas.
I like the detailed explanations you have of sleep & fighting for or against it. But I would like some more personal conflict in the piece. Why exactly is sleep so important, and why is this person losing sleep? Giving some specificity to the conflict would help me as a reader stay more interested and invested in the subject.
I'd also say that your first 3 lines are phrased a bit oddly for me. It's hard to imagine Eyes aching to close the door and be left alone. I think you meant that you (the speaker) rather than your eyes wanted to be left alone and close the door. But the way it's currently phrased leave the eyes as the subject. Some rephrasing here would help in clarity .
Overall, it's a unique piece. It is not everyday that you read a poem about sleep.
Best of luck in your future writings!
~alliyah
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This piece was really descriptive, and I love how you never use the phrase "sleep deprived", but the poem's title is just "deprived" and it's all about sleep. I think that's really well done. However, if the title is going to be deprived, then I feel like more of the poem has to do with the lack of sleep, which it does for the first two thirds, but then ends with just talking about what sleep means to the person, so maybe if at the end you could some how return to the longing for sleep that the person has, it would help make the poem feel a bit more complete? I do love that third paragraph, I think it does a really good job of succinctly and interestingly describing sleep.
Hope this review helped!
-tgirly
Hi. my name is kman134. i'm here to review your work.
Honestly, i too tend to suffer from insomnia. those restless nights tended to be a hassle to my health. i prefer seeking professional help on the matter.
my favorite is the second stanza. it gave so much emotion of fatigue and and emptiness as a result of lack of sleep. it really amplified the mood of the poem.
"My body starts to lose feeling,
like a ghost, my legs don’t seem to be there
but I know they are, they’re just still.
I don’t move, just my chest slowly going up and down,
my back pressed against the formed mattress
and the buzzing wind of the fan touching the fortress
of blankets I’ve built up over me."
the image of your chest going "up and down" shows the exhaustion and pain you're going through trying to fall to sleep. the Sandman can be a real nuisance to some people as he doesn't wish to share his magic sand, sometimes.
this is a really good poem. i hope to read more.
Hi there, here for a review!
Contradictory to your description, the best time to write about sleep IS when you're tired! All of the real and raw emotions come out then. But you may need to edit a little bit afterwards while more awake, so I see your point haha!
I have a few critiques but they are just suggestions.
Your last stanza is my favorite. It flows the best out of the entire poem. You're first stanza also flowed fairly well.
The middle stanza is a bit rocky, in my opinion. The only reason being word choice, honestly. There's a good base and structure, but the rhythm and flow is broken up by a few basic word choices in places I know that you can spice up a bit more! There were a few words I felt were a bit awkward as well.
Let's look at these two lines for instance:
"I don’t move, just my chest slowly going up and down,
my back pressed against the formed mattress"
We can use more eloquent or descriptive choices here, like:
I lay still, just my chest rising and falling
With "formed mattress," I see what you're getting at, but I feel like "formed" is quite awkward here. Maybe use "molded" or something a bit different.
Overall, I really like the concept of this poem and you did a good job, just a few things might need fine-tuning.
Happy writing,
Kali L.