I need you to suffocate me in your shoulders,
my nose hitting the spot on your neck
the collar of your shirt doesn't cover.
Pull me in, there is no close enough.
My pulse is raging, my breath is shaking,
my body feels uninhabited.
Give me a warm body,
so my soul isn’t afraid to come back.
Please, I need you to use your own heartbeat,
to help slow the irrational one left in me.
Whisper in my ear,
say something that means something,
spread your hands across my back,
stroke skin through jacket lining,
I don’t care.
When I get that way,
quiet, closed off, pupils enlarged,
help me fight the monsters
that crawl within,
even if you don’t quite know how.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this very interesting poem that illustrates just how dependent we humans are on one another. Unlike solitary animals such as jaguars, we simply cannot do without social contact. In fact, isolation is a way of punishing prisoners. It is referred to as solitary confinement. So the poem can definitely be viewed as an expression of that basic truth.
But the poem, to me, seems to indicate more than just a friendship or a platonic relationship. It seems to be expressing a need for an intimacy which conveys romance or else simply a strong physical attraction bordering on being irresistible. The use of such expressions as "raging pulse" "pupils enlarged" "stroke skin through jacket lining" "warm body" "when I get that way".
"spread your hands across my back"gave me that impression.
I really have no suggestions since it seems perfect. The emotion intended is conveyed in a very expressive manner. The mood is reinforced by the words chosen and the rhythm.
Excellent work!
Hey there! Saw this piece and I thought I might as well review it!
I like how you kept the mood throughout this poem. It stayed strong everywhere, but in some parts the words you were writing felt a little too forced together.
For example, the above line seems a little awkward. Don't you think there could be better words in place of this? I love the imagery, however the phrasing just isn't doing it for me, I don't know why. "Suffocating" sounds strange.
That being said, the emotions I felt here were real. Your delivery of imagery did well, and I definitely felt a feeling of being vulnerable. A sense of hope, then hopelessness, then hope again. It made me feel a lot of things.
Because your poem describes one particular moment, you have a lot put into a small piece. You dove into this very well, but the ending really struggled for me. It seemed so quick, and ended abruptly just as we were getting in. You could build a closer connection in this poem, and that might help the flow from beginning to end. I simply didn't have enough time to connect and understand the narrator.
The use of "irrational" doesn't seem like an appropriate place to put it... just not the correct adjective for a heart.
I see that you worked on formatting a little -- like stanzas -- with the ending in a separate section. If you wanted to go further, you could section off the first part of your poem into stanzas, too. The thing is, (like mentioned before) this is all generally in one moment, so sectioning stanza to separate concepts in this poem might not be easy. It is something you could explore though.
After reading through this poem, I can say it is a good topic to be writing about. People can relate to it, and it's something many people so desperately want. The way this is written also seems to convince the reader of that. I did really enjoy this, though! So thank you for sharing it. I hope my review helped!
neptune
Hey there! Care for a review?
Mostly I think I'll just share my thoughts and impressions upon reading this poem, so you can see if you got across what you intended to get across in this.
I like how desperate this feels- it moved pretty fast and the tone was just very... desperate in how the person was asking for this kind of attention. It made me want to give them a hug, for sure! And I think that kind of desperateness is very relatable. I think we all really want that connection with someone, anyone but it seems so hard to find.
The other thing though I noticed was that it felt more like they were asking for a romantic connection. The working that was chosen seemed to indicate that, though I thought I saw somewhere that this was an instruction for friends to do? Did you mean for it to be romantic as well as for friends? For instance, I'd love it if I got more hugs and deeper connection with friends, but I don't want my friends to stand there hugging me for a long time while I enjoy their neck.
I think the flow of the poem could use a little work. Here's an example:
The bolded line was awkward to read because of where the sentence was cut off, I think? I think because we think that 'your neck' is the end of the sentence, because it could have been, and then on the next line it's like "OH WAIT there's more" and it causes the reader to stumble when they read. I think there were other instances similar to this throughout, and my advice is to read it out loud to yourself several times, or better yet, get a friend to read it out loud who doesn't know how the poem goes, and then you might be able to catch the spots that don't quite flow as well as you might like.
Though awesome job! ^_^ I'm looking forward to seeing more from you! C:
-Socks