Your voice.
Your cat screeching,
Heart ripping,
Black eye feeling,
High, low,
Somewhere pitched voice,
Shoots at me
Like a bullet from
A silver wound
Revolver.
Pierced through layers
Of raw human skin
Lodged in an organ
That’s vital to my existence,
The human heart.
I’ve tried,
Believe me,
I’ve tried to blank you out.
You aren’t loud
In level,
But in weight
Of words.
I’m losing
The fight
Of what to hear
In a world of
Endless cries,
Thunders, winds,
Sounds that
Shake walls,
Turn cars,
Break hearts.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
This poem is truly a message to the reader that tells of the weight of words. One can be loud in level of volume, or one can be loud in weight of words. The heavier the words, the larger the person they can crush. Sure a 1000 character review filled with intros and greetings to make it longer and faster might be kind of helpful, but a 500 character review that is filled with useful remarks and comments is much more useful.
I didn't really like how you made some sentences multiple lines, but I guess I didn't mind it, either. It made the poem feel like one large connected sentence, rather than a collection of thoughts that are all related somehow. I found no real problems with your writing, although you could add some louder words in order to make it feel more meaningful.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
I love the imagery in this poem which helps to convey a powerful expression of someone who feels victimized by a constant barrage of verbal attacks. The desperation and pain involved comes clearly through. So the poem excels in that area. The use of hyperbole via "thunders" "turning of cars" very effective. I especially like the "black-eye feeling voice" simile. You nailed that one right on the head. That is exactly how certain verbal attacks feel-as if one is being punched in the eye.
I understood the second stanza much better than I did the first one. Of course that's because the first one uses more metaphors and sometimes metaphors might be clear to us as writers but not to the reader. For example, the reference to a silver bullet shooting out from a wound baffled me. Silver bullets are usually associated with killing of werewolves. Certainly the writer isn't insinuating that he or she is a werewolf-right? But even if that were the case, how could the bullet originate from the wound? Who's wound?
Hi EKK15!
Wow. I can feel the emotion coming through very clearly in this poem, which is the main reason I come to poetry. I love the hopelessness coming through here, as well as the fact that the speaker is still trying. They tell us they're still trying. But many of us have still been in this position, where we're trying and trying to move past something and it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel because it's so big and loud and hard to manage.
My favorite lines of the poem are these ones:
MAN. Like, man. Those are some of the best words I've read in a while. To me, this feels like the heart of what you're getting at in this poem. It definitely felt the most powerful and I think that's something to focus on when you're revising.
Because that section was so moving to me, it made the first half of the poem fall a little flat. The first half of the poem is very loud. There's voices and screeching and ripping and bullets. Yet, the speaker tells us this person isn't loud in level, but in weight of words. I wonder if there's a way you can make that come through clearer in the first stanza. How can you make us feel the loudness of that weight without relying on the language of sound? What does the weight of words feel like?
I also adore the final lines of the poem:
"Sounds that / Shake walls, / Turn cars, / Break hearts." is especially moving for me. I wonder if there's a way to connect those sounds at the end to your descriptions in the first half of the poem? What does the sound of shaking walls, turning cars, breaking hearts feel like without the language of sound?
I don't know what the right answer is! Just that I think it will really punch up those lines about the loudness not being sound but weight if you use fewer sound descriptions in the first half. Show us how the loudness isn't in level but in the weight of words.
Otherwise, this was a lovely poem! Thank you so much for sharing, and please do keep writing.
--Lauren
Thank you!!!
Thanks for sharing.
I would advise you t keep the distance from, a person who affects you that way. Remember, the person is having fun,you are not.