If you must wait
Wait for me here, by the miles of marshes
To the left of the chilling river,
Outside the modern forest, and the racing highways.
If you must mourn
Mourn the loss of the night, with the suns golden
Strands grazing across your skin, until it’s slightly tanned
And your forehead is covered in salty pellets of sweat.
If you must leave
Leave me here in the dark and follow the map
Placed in the drawer of my desk,
Chasing the footsteps we once walked in.
If you must speak,
Speak every word as though it were unique,
Write to me once you’re gone,
So that I won’t forget what you sound like.
If you must live,
Live out of suitcases between each city,
Never come back to one twice
Even when your ashes are scattered in the Atlantic Ocean.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hello, EKK15!
I really liked this the best out of all the poems you asked me to review. It's a lot more professional and it seems more time was put into making it. The only comment I have for this is that you're missing an apostrophe here
to make "sun" possessive.
Sorry this was so short but there wasn't anything I'd change about this poem.
~Ruby
Ayoooo! Aleta here for a brief review on your work. I found that this reminded me of "Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep". It gives me a sense of travel and going back through the memories the speaker and whoever they are talking about shared. I thought maybe that the speaker died, although I realized this was not so when it said "Write to me once you're gone". The title of Wander really fit this poem because whoever the speaker is talking about is wandering away themself and leaving the speaker behind in a way. I like the concept of the poem to be light and happy and have that heavy punch at the end. For the majority of the poem, the stanzas seem to address the person left behind. Meanwhile, the final stanza reveals the poem was addressing the dead. That sudden switch of who is being addressed is what really leaves me very confused about everything, and it's a confusion I don't particularly like.
Anyways, I did like it. Cheers!
Hello.
It feels like this poem's whole purpose is to lead up to the ending with the ashes, and the images before that don't lend themselves to death quite strong enough for me to get it. The ashes are a punch in a bad way, because they drop down like lead on top of what felt like clouds, punching a hole through it and making everything but the last stanza almost inconsequential.
The rest of it isn't inconsequential, because I do see how it weaves together and there's a lot of potential there. There's a set up for the haunting notes of grief and the emptiness of travel, but it is so lightly done, so... general and alive that the death comes near completely out of left field.
Part of it might be the second person. For the majority of the poem, the stanzas seem to address the person left behind. Meanwhile, the final stanza reveals the poem was addressing the dead. That sudden switch of who is being addressed is what really leaves me very confused about everything, and it's a confusion I don't particularly like.
That being said, I like the concept of the poem to be light and happy and have that heavy punch at the end. The viewpoint is really what loses the attachment for me, on top of the beginning of the poem sounding very generic. You had just enough details in here to make it interesting, but for the most part it's pretty broad until the very end.
All in all, it's okay. I'd play around with more solid imagery and a better PoV, but it's not bad.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
This is pretty good. However, I don't like the fact that you used the lyrics from somebody else's work. You seem to have a lot of potential that you could use to make something that is completely your's and completely unique. My advice to you is : Be unique! Your work is so good and it could be better with a little uniqueness.