Summer’s hand had its grip on my back
the foreign Virginian heat made my skin blister
and bake until I was drenched in a greasy sweat.
My leg tapping on the cement patio,
my fingers playing a symphony on the armrest of my chair,
as I tried to hide behind sunglasses while watching you
and words form on your lips,
spilt out in your familiar voice as calm as waves,
unlike the beat pulsating through my chest.
Minutes seemed like forever and I felt doomed,
tied to this chair when all I wanted was to reach out,
throw my arms around you and never let go.
As the weeks went by I tried to remember every freckle
under your left eye, the way your eyes squinted when you smiled,
and soon, how your voice would sound if you were speaking
the words you wrote to me when I called for you,
alone and scared, in the night.
You weren’t real to me yet.
Little did I know that come 9 months we’d be
sitting in your car, you’d be holding my shaking and crying body
and the words “Like a fever it grips me, Like a lover it holds”
would be echoing from the speakers of the vehicle,
as you’d watch your friend fall apart in you hands,
when it hit me that my nightmares and my dreams,
had become real.
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140,166 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I love how this both conveys emotion and also has a plot, something truly special in poems these days. Most people seem to focus more on plot, but my favorite kinds of poems are those that are more focused on the emotion created in the reader by the author, so bravo! I also love your use of imagery - I can see the scene in my mind exactly as you described it.
I also love how your two characters are complete foils of each other - the anxious narrator and the calm, constant friend. It portrays the emotion in a deeper way, one that makes it feel more real.
One thing that seems used in a truly genius way is the line break. You talk about how the sun made your skin blister in one line, and then in the next you go a step further with the continuation "and bake...." Another example of this is in your last stanza, where you inform the reader that there are words, and then in the next line you tell the reader what the words are doing. I love how you divide things like that for maximum impact.
Great job on a great work!
Hello, EKK15!
You requested a review from me in my forum, but I didn't get to it since I was on vacation without wifi so let me first apologize to you for that! Sorry about the wait! And belated welcome to the site as well!
To start off, I'm not a fan of free-verse anyway so don't take criticism in that area to heart.
Here to speaker sounds very retrained and helpless but here...
He sounds carefree. The stress that I believe you wanted to convey seems conflicted when compared in these lines. I think if you concretely chose what you want to viewer to picture like the entire picture then the mood would be stronger.
"under your left eye" sounds weird to me. I realize what you mean to be said here or what you are saying is that the speaker is trying to remember every detail, but then would he be trying to remember the placement of all of the freckles? Not just the ones under the left eye?
To me the meaning here isn't very clear. What exactly is 'it'? Sadness? The message doesn't have to be placed on a platter before the reader but we should be able to understand and relate to what's being said especially in poems.
Also, since this is free verse, you could lower case everything. It would convey a feeling of brokenness or being incomplete but that is a stylistic choice. And me being a fan of more traditional poetry dislike that stylistic choice but it may help you in this situation.
I don't know whether this was helpful or not I didn't want to repeat anything that was said in the previous reviews, but I hope this helped you!
~Ruby
Hi there, EKK15! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as promised.
What I found to be the weakness of this first stanza is the line breaks. In short, this is pretty self-explanatory: Where you break a line to go onto the next. Greasy sweat is also a kinda...gross description? If that's what you're attempting to go for, then by all means, this is effective. What I mean by the line breaks being a flaw is that they're a little awkward. The phrase 'blister and bake' feels incomplete or odd when moving 'and bake' to the third line, so I suggest making this go on the second and then beginning the third with 'until I was drenched'.
Another aspect of this I noticed is that both 'had' and 'was' are both in this stanza, and while this isn't the highest offense, I suggest switching these out for stronger verbs. The transitioning between lines one and two is also awkward. A way to remedy this is to add 'as' at the start of the second line or playing around with this in a different way for a better flow. This isn't necessarily a bad stanza since the imagery is strong, though the flow is off-putting.
The 'ing' verbs in the first two lines here aren't all that strong. I suggest switching these out with their past tense counterparts since that's what you're writing the rest of this in. As for the flow--still a problem here. This reminds me of how I used to write poetry, strangely enough. A strong focus on the imagery and a bit of a lack of sense when it comes to diction or flow. For now, change those 'ing' verbs to 'ed', and then I suggest either cutting one of the two first lines out or adding a period after the end of the first for a better flow.
I'd prefer the former though if you find a way to make this go more smoothly, then that works too. The imagery here is still strong, though this only scrapes the jaw of the reader because the wording is just a tad off. I also wanted to note that the second line uses 'my' twice which makes this become a little stale since 'my' is also used in the first line. Spice this up a little bit.
There also doesn't need to be a comma at the end of the second line because the flow continues without needing one. At the end of the third line? I suggest a period. Repetition in the fourth line with 'Watching words form on your lips' is also an option to take if you're going to go that route. These are, of course, just suggestions, though I believe I've gotten the point across with the flow being a little odd.
I wanted to argue AkeliaTaste on the two points that she brings up. First of all, capitalization in poetry is a stylistic choice. A stylistic choice in poetry is pretty self-explanatory--a choice based on the style. As for rhyme, this is also optional. Not all poetry needs to rhyme and I understand that this is a free-verse. Just wanted to clear that up because I see a lot of people who believe that grammar rules always apply to poetry or that rhyme is always needed to have a strong flow.
I actually want to argue the opposite that the use of rhyme can rarely be effective in making a poem fluid. Usually the outcome is the device being or feeling forced. Wanted to toss this poem called Stylistic Choice that I wrote awhile back since I've never gotten to use this in a review before, though I feel this is appropriate.
Moving on from that, I'm going to highly suggest reading this aloud for the purpose of learning where all the awkward spots are. There's a slight shift in tone throughout the poem where from the first two stanzas, we get a more summer-related vibe, though in the rest, the subject matter generally stays the same, this jumps around a bit with imagery.
Try to be more consistent with that, though this still generally focuses on this other person. Which is, coincidentally, something else I wanted to talk about. This other person is vague, though you're allowed to be vague. The question is, though, do you want to go into more detail about the speaker and the relationship between them and the other person or do you want to leave it where the reader can fill in the empty spots with their own experiences. Either is valid, and the choice is yours to make.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day. Other review will be coming soon enough!
Hello, Fea here to review!
Wow, the imagery is amazing, particularly in the first two stanzas! I can practically feel the sweltering, still heat and the blazing sun on the cement patio. Nice!
The one part I have difficulty understanding is the last verse; I re-read it, and I understand what it is saying, but I found this bit particularly confusing:
"and the words “Like a fever it grips me, Like a lover it holds”
would be echoing from the speakers"
What speakers?
Anyways, nice job! See you around!
~ Fea
Heyo! Akelia here for a review!
So before we begin, I would just like to say that I love the overall feel of this poem. To me it's kind of mysterious, and it defiantly makes me want to know more. This is amazing in such a short poem!
Now on with the review. Like I do in all my reviews, I will give you a few sours, and sweets. Sweet being what I loved and what you did great in, and sour being what you could improve on. let's get started, and we'll do the sours first to get them over with.
Sours:
1. Nothing in this poem was capitalized. Capitalization is crucial in writing, and although you can slip by in second and fourth stanzas in most poems, first lines are a definite must.
2. It was a bit difficult to read, due to no rhymes. A poem doesn't always need rhymes to be a poem, but they are typically used to give the poem good flow. Without them it was kind of hard to follow.
Whew, now that's done. On with the sweets!
1. The mood was on point. It was mysterious and edgy, and I liked the romantic feel of it as well. I get the impression of either a stalker, or a bittersweet love. Both made it good.
2. You used awesome descriptive words! These are needed very much in poems, as they give the feel in just a few small lines. The words you used, especially in the first stanza, were amazing. Good job!
In short, I thought this was a pretty decent poem. Just keep practicing, and you will be amazing! Remember, never stop writing!
-Akelia