Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
There was a crash that shook the house.
The floorboards moved like surfers on a wave
And the room was covered in the colors of you,
Red, grey, purple, orange, deep blue.
You’re head hitting the ground,
My knees following it, leaning over you,
Lifeless and unaware, please hold
The receptionist at the hospital said
Into the wire phone to her ear.
Now we are here, in an isolated room,
One with a heart monitor,
That will never smell like you
When your breath tasted like cigarettes
And too much cheap wine and booze.
There was no sleeping, not from me,
You passed out on a hospital bed,
Waking up screaming every few hours or
Maybe that was a hallucination
My mind has been playing games with me.
Every beep shakes me, every alarm wakes me
At one point I zoned off staring at my feet,
Thinking about the way we dance sometimes
In the room, when we laugh about our dates
And how we think we made it more awkward than needed.
I remember the sirens now, like those songs,
And the floor moved through red lights,
The city faded on by, you faded on away,
But I love you, please, whatever you do,
Stay.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
Radrook here for a review. My intention is to help not to offend. But if I do offend by any chance I offer my apology beforehand. Typos are often caused by my lazy eye that makes me see two keyboards. That having been said, here we go.
Thanks for sharing this poem about a beloved person who suddenly becomes ill and winds up in the hospital. The speaker expresses how he or she is deeply affected. I was drawn in very effectively by all the imagery and found the read an emotionally moving experience. Felt the sadness because the poem engendered empathy via the manner that it is told. The ending was superb both because of its content and the way that it rhymes. The sincerity or authenticity of the writer’s feelings comes through in a very convincing manner.
Suggestions:
Not capitalizing the first letter of each new line would have made it a smoother read for me.
....lifeless and unaware[.]
"Please hold." the receptionist at the hospital said
into the wire phone to her ear.
Please try to indicate the gender of the person's involved. I had trouble visualing them as either man or woman. So the scenes described were not clear in that way. Maybe briefly mentoning a certain female garment that she wore when she suffered the accident would easily establish that crucial fact.
Hey. Here for a quick review.
Nice piece there. It takes me back to the year I lost my mother.
I love the structure here. Though this is a sad one. But I don't want to conclude on whether it was your imagination or a real life experience.
Talking about a beloved person you're about to lose. Probably a family member or a lover.
The way you were restless all the time you were with this person who's lying on a hospital bed, dying slowly.
You don't want to lose this person!
Nice one. Please accept my sympathy if this was real!
I really enjoyed reading this piece... Good one
Hiya! Space here for a review!
Wow, I really don't know what to say..except that this is amazing!! It flowed so well, it was such a heartbreaking story told in a few stanzas using lyrical vocabulary and descriptive imagery. I got the jest of it very quickly, so the point of the story/poem was got across very clearly but also in a way that wasn't TOO straight-forward. If that makes sense.
Overall, it really was heart-touching and written very well! You've got lots of talent for sure.
Good job!
-Space the Snickerdoodle