Young Writers Society

Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words

Hi there! I'll leave a few thoughts for Review Day:

Stanza 1:
"Purple shorts against fast legs" is a little bit weak for the opening line, maybe because the detail about the shorts being purple is so seemingly random.

I think it might look cleaner to spell out the number "4" --> "four".

And then, this might just be me, but the smell of burning sand seems like a very odd detail as well, I live pretty close to a beach and I guess I've never smelled burning sand. I've felt it, and smelled the sea, but not the sand burning.

I love the last two lines here: "Summer's breath screaming at us // Like cicadas hiding in the tall grass" these two pieces of figurative language pair really well together and present a little bit of conflict in the midst of this "perfect summer" description. Nicely done.

Stanza 2:
This stanza continues with some more scene setting, but has a few grammatical mistakes.
First line "suns" should be "sun's" as a conjunction of "sun is".

Second line should be "The temperature seems to plummet"

Stanza 3:
I like the sentimentality of this stanza. We get out of the summer imagery and get into the character of the speaker, for a reader this is where I feel some connection in the piece.

Stanza 5:
The first two lines follow a little strangely, because I first read it as the Avenger soundtrack plays in the car and at the drive-in, but I think that's incorrect maybe. I think if you added a period at the end of line 1 here it would eliminate some of the ambiguity. The line break between line 2 & 3 here is also a bit stilted.

Stanza 6:
The phrase "smiles singing" is a little odd, I can't quite see it. The last line is sweet though.

Overall
I thought that the stanza 3 was really strong and where we start to get a story. I would reduce the summer imagery a little and try to get a little more plot and characterization moving in here, this makes the piece easier for a reader to connect to I think. You might also think of trying to make the stanzas more even, as right now I'm not show having stanza breaks gets you much because the breaks seem unneeded and uneven.

It was an enjoyable little summer read! Please let me know if you have any questions about my review!

Best,
~alliyah

This Review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!

Hi, J here for a reveiw.
This was a cool poem about a time when I'm really positive you had a great time. There was some bugs in this poem that I want to talk about so let's get started.
Sentence Structure.
There were a few sentences that were very choppy and need to have changes made to them like this one "4 walls painted blue and a white door." The door part seems disconnected. You should either re word it to say something like this "The white door set off the painted blue walls" or you could get rid of the door all together "All 4 walls were painted a lovley shade of blue."
This sentence needs some work to add to the flow as well "Summers breath screaming at us" it needs to be longer so the flow doesn't get cut off. Add a discribing word for summers breath like warm, refreshing, heavy.... etc.

Grammar
It is a rule of grammar that you are taught in 6th grade that all lines in a poem need to be capitalized, that is not that case and quite frankly it's not doing your poem any favors. Like in
this stanza.
"And the sun is nearly setting now,
The temperature seem to plummet
Faster than the bee that flew by the window."
It would be better if you took out the and in the first sentence and put a period at the end. Then keep the next two lines one sentence. Make sure to use this rule with this poem especially in stanza 3 as well. When a sentence is still going through multiple lines don't capitalize the second line of the sentence.

Words
I don't know what else to say for that. You over use some word and it is really disrupting your flow. You don't have to start every sentence with a three letter word it makes things look cheesy and like you don't care. Instead of saying "The soundtrack to Avengers playing down the road" take out the The to add flavor.

Well it think that's all for now. I did like the poem and the image it tried to produce it just needs some editing to make it truly great.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Hi EKK15, dachsie here for a review.
I liked how descriptive this poem was, and thought the metaphors worked well. It had very good imagery, so I could imagine everything that was being described.
I just have a few corrections.

And the suns nearly setting now,
The temperature seemed to plummet
Faster than the bee that flew by the window.

impressive