The first two rings are the eyes.
The pupils contract until they hurt.
They stare until there's nothing left
but bone after broken bone, flesh already gone.
Can you hear me?
I have no movemented lips to speak from,
no lies to tell when glass can see them all.
Hell in it's truest, malleable form,
lies between the sweat speckled lips of a sleepless night
and the walls that make a suffocation out of a house.
Theres fire in words that burns holes
wood panels decay with smoke stacked against them,
the demons aren’t particular, the rings around their eyes are tired.
They’re naive and short lived, but so far gone in experience
Surpassing those who don’t live and breathe vividly.
The water, the air, the green there's none of,
locked in rock, built into liquid fire and seeping
out of the sides of their mouth, as they sleep,
drooling on their pillows, in complete, and utter, outer, silence.
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140,166 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
The first two rings are the eyes.
Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words
Spoiler
The pupils contract until they hurt.
They stare until there's nothing left
but bone after broken bone, flesh already gone.
Can you hear me?
I have no movemented lips to speak from,
no lies to tell when glass can see them all.
You feel insecure as if anyone could see you and watch you.
Hell in it's truest, malleable form,
lies between the sweat speckled lips of a sleepless night
and the walls that make a suffocation out of a house.
There's fire in words that burns holes
[It would sound better as "There are fires in words that burn holes,"]
wood panels decay with smoke stacked against them,
the demons aren’t particular, the rings around their eyes are tired.
This is referring back to the first line about the first rings being the eyes.
They’re naive and short lived, but so far gone in experience
Surpassing those who don’t live and breathe vividly.
The water, the air, the green there's none of,
locked in rock, built into liquid fire and seeping
out of the sides of their mouth, as they sleep,
drooling on their pillows, in complete, and utter, outer, silence.
This poem was very complex and hard to understand.
Hello! I really liked this poem, a lot. Everything I saw is just little nit-picky word-usage, because this poem is just generally weird and dark and I love it. Good imagery!
Nit-picky word thing: "movemented" in the first stanza isn't a word.
Word thing: In stanza no.2 you said "Theres fire in words..." "Theres" should be "There's"
That's it! Overall, I really liked this poem. I have no idea what it's about (clueless as usual, I am), but it evoked a feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion. It's a good thing if your poem evokes an emotion out of the reader, so well done!
Heyo!
Vivid imagery!!
So much vivid imagery, I love it.
Everything about this poem creates such an edge while reading it, it makes me want to learn more about what inspired such a dark, interesting theme.
From what it seems, perhaps this is freeform? Or did you have a specific form in mind?
Either way, it's really good. Keep up the good work.
Hi! I'm glad you liked it. It is freeform, and the inspiration came from seeing different people fall asleep, whether they do it peacefully, or struggle.