People Leave Ashes Where They Go

by EKK15

People leave ashes where they go.

A trail to be followed by a familiar face

You leave pieces of yourself

On the grounds you touch

Kissed by your feet, held by your heart

I drive through cities and walk along beaches

All I feel is a pulse rising in my chest

And my mind filling with the sound of your laughter.

I imagine you holding me through the night

In the sunken seats of a beat up car

A sun streaking golden arrows across my face

Like hands through waves.

A million hands, a million stories,

A million lives touched by a single step.

People leave ashes where they go.

A bit of stardust, a tiny particle of themselves

Sitting on the cement and baking in the sun

I think that's why I love to travel.

I desire to breathe the air

Of the places you’ve been.

I wonder if I could collect these pieces of you

And keep them forever in a jar close to my heart.

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 11:48 pm

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Mathy wrote a review...

Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words

Spoiler! :

Points: 144000
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Sun Aug 27, 2017 7:59 pm

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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi there! Just wanted to leave a few thoughts on your poem.

First of all I think the best part of this piece is the tone that you've established. This piece just feels really nostalgic and even though there are parts that are sad (even leaving yourself is kind of sad when you think about it) it doesn't end in a place of sorrow but with this idea that some part of life whether it's memories, love, or the ashes we leave are eternal. I get a little bit of a sense of Schadenfreude from it considering the sadness or people leaving, but that joy that they're still with us in some way.

So conceptually this is a beautiful piece. There are a few aspects I think could be improved though. For instance in the first couple of lines there's a "you" and then the speaker forgets the you and it goes to talking about "I" and "themselves" but the last three lines get the "you" again. Yet I don't have much of a sense between the relationship between the "you" and the "I" and that feels like a link that's important to the poem. Basically I want to see a bit more of the narrative-story and characters behind the piece, not just the images and concepts. There's a little bit with the section about the car, but there could be even more in my opinion.

There are so many lovely lines in here like where you're describing stardust and ashes the images are just beautiful. Then there are a couple lines that didn't pop as much and seemed to be going on a tangent. I think the transition from these two lines seemed odd:

"Sitting on the cement and baking in the sun
I think that's why I love to travel."

The two lines just don't follow each other very well, because it makes it seem like line two is referring to line 1.

I also think the phrasing of the very last few lines was a bit strange:
"I wonder if I could collect these pieces of you
And keep them forever in a jar close to my heart."

for some reason the "close to my heart" seemed like an after thought and sort of took away from the message of the rest of it in my opinion. I do like the sentiment expressed here, but I think there may be a more effective way to say it.

Overall, this was a really well done piece -- it's memorable, it's unique, and has really lovely tone. Best of luck in the rest of your writing, I hope to read more of your pieces in the future.

~alliyah

This Review is from Team Autumn. Happy Review Day!

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Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:01 pm

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Lightsong wrote a review...

Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review!

A trail to be followed by a familiar face
You leave pieces of yourself
On the grounds you touch

I use these lines to note that while you start the stanza with a proper capital letter, the punctuation after that is lacking. I believe there should be a period after the first line because of how disjointed it would be if continued to the second and third line. Also, while capitalizing the first letter of each line is a stylistic choice, given the inconsistent use of punctuation, it makes the poem more confusing to notify where a line ends and another begins.

On a side note, passive voice is frowned upon in prose and poetry. You might want to keep it active since it's more direct and powerful that way, by editing the first line to 'familiar face followed a trail'. Less wordy, more to the point.

I imagine you holding me through the night
In the sunken seats of a beat up car
A sun streaking golden arrows across my face
Like hands through waves.

I adore the first two lines in this quote as it gives a clear imagery of what's happening with just enough details. However, I'm not sure how it relates to the golden arrows and hands through waves. How do the arrows continue the idea delivers from the holding me part? In fact, it seems like you're trying to compare the two of them when that is not possible, and continues to compare with hands through waves. I would suggest to compare holding with something else and stop there.

A bit of stardust, a tiny particle of themselves
Sitting on the cement and baking in the sun
I think that's why I love to travel.
I desire to breathe the air
Of the places you’ve been.
I wonder if I could collect these pieces of you
And keep them forever in a jar close to my heart.

I think this is the clearest, thus most powerful, stanza in the poem. The stardust imagery emphasizes the trail people leave behind, and you experiment on it more by mentioning it baked in the sun. The part about breathing air of the places You have been is worded in an emotive way that I could feel what the speaker's feeling. The last two lines end the poem nicely, showing the readers what the persona would want to do with the trail You have left and if it's possible to do what he wants to do.

And that is all! I think the idea behind this poem is interesting and you just have to work on delivery. You tackle that in the last stanza, but it's kind of ruined by the lack of punctuation, mainly period. You should also want to make the imagery correlated to each other instead of adding more and more of it. Keep improving!

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Mon Aug 14, 2017 1:14 pm

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ThemagicalEbonyFox wrote a review...

Very touching and heartfelt. I'm sure we've all lost a family member or friend during our lifetime, and this does a great job of capturing the kind of feelings and emotions that you experience during those sad moments. I'm not a poetry expert, but I thought the last two lines were simply beautiful. Thank you very much for posting this, it was really moving.

EKK15 says...

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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People Leave Ashes Where They Go

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