A/N: This is a true story and yes my dog is now fat.
When my dog was a puppy,
He was so small and sweet,
But when granddaddy came,
He gave him a "treat".
When I see my dog now,
I get uncontrollable chills.
All thanks to granddaddy,
And his thyroid pills.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,943 Literary Works • 672,335 Reviews
I think it's funny how you all question whether it's a true story. xD
Hi there Keepwriting! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, I have to agree with the other reviews. I read this yesterday and I felt like there were a lot of gaps in this story.
For example, who was letting this granddad give pills to a dog? Your comments below suggest that he got fat because of these pills, but that seems like a stretch. For one thing, I take thyroid pills to AVOID the weight gain that comes from hypothyroidism. For another, who let this happen consistently? I don't know much about the effect of human medicine on dogs, but I'd imagine they'd be more likely to vomit it up than anything else. If I was looking for a culprit for what made a dog fat, I'd look at his diet and if someone is feeding him "people food" over a one-time dose of medicine. I also agree that it's unclear why a fat dog would give you "uncontrollable chills". It definitely seems like a forced rhyme.
Maybe if you added some more lines, there would be more clarity in this story. As it is, it feels rather rushed. Keep writing!
Actually if your thyroid is working perfectly (which my dog's was) then thyroid pills would mess that up. That's why he's now fat. And it's obvious no one was letting granddaddy give them to him.
Hey there, keepwriting! clogs here for a review!
This poem was... okay, I guess? Like it wasn't bad, but it didn't really have anything interesting. It's kind of bland, really. The language is simple, although I suppose that's kind of the point. The rhythm is a little choppy in spots, and the rhymes sometimes work, sometimes don't. Also, there were a couple of problems with punctuation. So let's take these one by one, shall we?
1. Rhythm
This line has too many syllables. I think you can fix it by taking out "so called", because if you're putting "treat" in quotes, then that lets the reader know that the treat is so-called anyway.
All of these lines except for the third suffer the same problem. Replace "whenever" with "when", maybe find another word for "uncontrollable", and also find another word for "troublesome". I suggest to try reading your poem aloud to yourself, so you can catch where it gets choppy by yourself.
Also, the second line here really bothers me. So, you're afraid of your fat dog? You're ashamed of him? It doesn't really make sense why you would get "uncontrollable chills" from a fat dog. I suspect that this is a result of you trying to get something to fit the rhyme scheme without thinking about whether or not it makes sense. Which, I'll talk more about this in the next part of my review.
2. Rhyme
So, I couldn't help but notice that your other poem, "To Write a Poem", mocks free verse poetry. However, this poem is itself an example of why you have to be very careful with rhyme scheme. If the rhymes aren't really tight and fluid, then they just end up sounding forced. This poem suffers from that in places. In a simple humor poem like this, where there isn't a whole lot of figurative language going on apart from the rhymes, your rhymes have to be reaaalllly tight, and unfortunately, they aren't. Particularly "chills" and "pills". I think you were looking for something to rhyme with "pills", since that was the punchline of the poem, but the "chills" line ended up not sounding right because of how it was kind of forced. I recommend taking a look at your rhyming, or at least keeping this advice in mind for the next time you write a poem.
(Or maybe you'll experiment with free verse and discover how wonderful it is. COME TO THE DARK SIDE)3. Punctuation
Well, actually, there's only one spot with missing punctuation. I think it's more the capitalization that bothered me. However that's purely a stylistic choice, so I'll let you be on that. As for the missing punctuation:
Needs a comma at the end.
So I guess that about concludes this review. I don't have a whole lot else to say. I think that if the rhyme and rhythm were more natural, then this would be a really fun, sweet poem. However, it ended up being kind of flavorless. Sorry if this sounded harsh! The more reviews I write, the more critical I become. Anyway, I hope I helped some, either with this poem or with future poetry!
Thanks, I changed it.
Hey dear!
Is this really a true story? Does anyone get fat because of pills?
Anyways ...review . Ummmm ... you know I like your penning as always. Amd yes this is another one.but ahhhh a bit confusing or as far as I understood.... granddaddy used to give his pills to your dog !!may be ..but I got that only ad normally our respected elders do that ... they behave like a kid.
Nice penning though. "Keepwriting" .. keep writing. Blessings!
It is a true story. I could show you my fat poodle if you like. Don't forget to click like if you remotely enjoyed it.
Hello. So, I believe I have been summoned? Let's review a thing!
Is your dog okay? I don't get it. I guess your grandpa gave your dog a thyroid pill and now you are scared of your dog or something? Is he sick or something then?
The wording is good, so is the spacing, I just have trouble following your story.
It's pretty cute though!
Happy writing
Waffle~
Haha, thanks. He's not sick but very fat because of the pills.
I see
Hello, Keepwriting!
I am Saraswati! This is my first review. So, the theme of the poem is really sweet. I liked the way you have expressed things. You have written it really beautifully. The language is simple and lucid. I loved it. You have explained the entire jist in very few words. You have good style of writing.
Overall a great work!
Thanks, it's a true story too. xD
@Saraswati I think this is great for a first review. Mine kinda suck, and I joined March 1st so I'm still a newbie too. Keep reviewing!