On that night I broke your heart,
Though you knew I'd never stay.
I tore apart your very soul,
And used your body everyday.
You thought what was could be love,
But you never stopped to think.
And in our passion lost sight
Of our only chain link.
You let me quench my one thirst,
And with that I took your all.
Oh, how foolish you were, dear,
To think that I would break your fall.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Ruby, I'm here to leave a few comments on your poem.
Grammar and spelling seemed good throughout so good editing here.
So, I have to say that for me the combination of capital letters and it being center formatted made me have to read the lines very slowly and disjointed from line to line. It's a short poem so having a slow pace isn't necessarally a problem just something to be conscious of.
You have some interesting development in the piece and by the end the poem covers some emotional material, but it takes a while to get there. I would suggest maybe looking at the line beginnings and try to make those more "action oriented" or just more interesting. Taking a quick look through the sentence beginnings are, "On, Though, I, And, You, But, And, Of, You, And, Oh, To" this is fairly repetitive and doesn't do a lot for the piece. Taking away some of those words and beginning lines with some of the verbs you have would make the piece read more emotionally/dramatically.
Overall there was pretty good word choice, although a bit more figurative language might be a good addition as well. This line was confusing to me: "You thought what was could be love" -- I kind of get it, but it's also sort of ambiguous. Specificity is generally your friend in poetry.
Best of luck in future writing!
~alliyah
Hello, Keepwriting!!! With3r3dros3 here for a review!
I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever stumbled past your work, and I can't believe it because you're so talented!! Right after this, I might go and check out some of your other work because this poem is amazing! <3
I love romantic poems so much!! Don't you? I love seeing what people can come up with. Okay let's just get to the actual review:
The poem is really overall. I love the way you started off your poem, very creative!! However, the second line kind of pulled me back, you know what I mean?? I love a good poem that can pull me in! I think the "Though" kind of pulled me back, and I think it'd be better to change it to "You knew I'd never ever stay"... no "Though" necessary.
Now onto line 6, I love how you said the other person in the relationship never stopped to think, but I think it'd be cool if you could add what they thought about. I'm really eager to see the other person's point of view!
LINE 10... I love what you said there!! It's so much better than just saying something like "I took over you" or "I took advantage of you". Personally, I love this line.
Okay I'm done with all of that... I love the way you ended the poem! It kind of reminds me of someone evil taking over a precious prince or something like that! Very beautiful way to end the poem! I also love the rhyme scheme you've got going on here!
Well, with all of that said... good luck in writing and best of wishes!
xo. With3r3dros3
Awww, it makes my day to see people appreciate my poems! Thank you so much, and have as great a day as you've made me.
I always enjoy reading your poetry
Awwww thank you!
Legacy here for a review.
I love the rhyming scheme you set up here; it sounds sing songy which actually works with the content as well. The story you told is very well written. It doesn't matter the gender of the people because of the way that you wrote it. The ending was very good and it closed everything up nicely.
Even the formatting of this is like a pedestal which is what the narrator was put on by the other person.
I love this poem and think that it is very well written. Keep writing, you did a good job. Legacy.
Thank you berry much!
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