If I had all my strength,
I'd open my wings and fly
Soaring through the clouds
That cover the endless sky.
~
I'd leave my sorrow behind,
And find my lost freedom.
Take His almighty hand,
And follow Him to His kingdom.
~
All would be made well.
Nothing would be amiss.
How sure am I--
Sure it'd be better than this.
~
I'd dance, sing, and cheer
Leaving my anger behind,
And forget all my worries--
The people that were unkind.
~
But here I lie in the wreckage,
Staring at the deep blue sky
Covered in my self-pity;
Thinking, if only I could fly...
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hey!! It's Mahvash here. And hope you are doing fine. This poem really caught my mind and it is somehow related to my thoughts. This is amazing plus it shows the better reflection of your feelings. Kind of emotional poem it is and everyone wants to fly leaving there sorrows and worries behind
Good job.
But I have found a little problem in the first two lines of this poem.
"If I had all my strength,
I 'd open my wings and fly"
As you are talking about the impossible conditions so you should add "Have" after would, like this:
"If I had all my strength,
I'd have opened my wings and flown"
Anyways, it was lovely, I really enjoyed it.
Hey!! It's Mahvash here. And hope you are doing fine. This poem really caught my mind and it is somehow related to my thoughts. This is amazing plus it shows the better reflection of your feelings. Kind of emotional poem it is and everyone wants to fly leaving there sorrows and worries behind
Good job.
But I have found a little problem in the first two lines of this poem.
"If I had all my strength,
I 'd open my wings and fly"
As you are talking about the impossible conditions so you should add "Have" after would, like this:
"If I had all my strength,
I'd have opened my wings and flown"
Anyways, it was lovely, I really enjoyed it.
Hey, keepwriting! clogs here for a review in this closing stretch of Review Day!
Okay, first things first: I feel like I've said this a million times, but why did you use italics for the whole thing? It doesn't add anything. Italics are meant for emphasis, so what exactly are you gaining by emphasizing the entire poem? It's like performing an entire concerto at maximum volume. The effect of the passages that are meant to be loud are lost, because the whole darn thing's loud anyway. The same concept applies to this poem. There's no need for the entire thing to be in italics. I swear, I see this so often on this site, and every time I do, it just bewilders me.
Hmm, I kind of felt like this poem is a metaphor for death. If you're feeling suicidal, make sure you talk to someone about it, or call a help line or something. From a literary standpoint though, I think that that extended metaphor is what made this poem interesting. For instance, in the first line:
I was going to say that it didn't make sense, because it sounds like it's possible for you to fly if you have the strength, which it's not. However, in the context of the metaphor, it could mean that you don't have the strength to die, which I think makes it really interesting.
A lot of times, I'm not a fan of rhyme schemes because they tend to be forced and to make poems contort words around to fit them, but I think you did a fairly good job with it here. I think the biggest thing that suffered as a result of the rhyme scheme was the imagery, which I'll talk about in a bit, but it didn't sound super forced most of the time.
Ok, going back to imagery: This poem did an okay job of that, but I feel like there's room for improvement. I think that this stanza is the one that needs the most help in this area:
Everything is pretty abstract. There's nothing tangible to grab on to, so it's a little dull to read. It doesn't stimulate any of my senses. Maybe try being more specific about how it would be better- give examples. Here's a lovely YWS Knowledge Base article on imagery to help explain the wonderful world of imagery to you:
Imagery
This is a little thing here. I'm not a Christian, but I'm pretty sure that you guys usually capitalize pronouns like He and His when you're referring to God, right?
Overall, I thought this poem was interesting because of the extended metaphor. It could definitely use some polishing, though. Keep on writing, and happy Review Day!
Hello there!
I arrived arrived to review this beautiful poem!
My first impression of this poem was that you excel at rhyme. However, I did notice that the cost of that was a slight distortion in understanding. Allow me to explain:
Now, perhaps this is one of those hidden metaphors you mentioned, but the fourth line in this stanza sounds a bit odd. After several times reading it, I understood the point you were trying to make, but I still believe that it is a slight bit confusing. The word choice seems a bit awkward. Throughout that entire stanza, there were places you could have added small helping words to help the flow.
I completely adore your writing style. As I mentioned earlier, you truly do have a spectacular way with words. Apart from the aforementioned, I had no qualms whilst reading this piece. This made me feel something. As Rascalover mentioned, this poem has a soul. Thank you for sharing this magnificent piece.
As I've mentioned before while reviewing for you, I typically end my reviews with keep writing. However, in your case, this seems a bit redundant.
But seriously, keep writing my friend.
-Sis
Hi!
This is magnificent! Truly, I could feel this poem with my soul. I don't really have any critiques, but this stanza: "All would be made well.
Nothing would be amiss.
How sure am I--
Sure it'd be better than this?"
Felt aloof, like it didn't belong to this poem. I'm not quite sure how you could reword to run more smoothly because I do enjoy the rhyming scheme of this poem. Just something to think about I guess.
Keep on Keeping on,
Rascalover
Keepwriting, this was a beautiful poem. I like the visuals it gave me and the flow from line to line kept me reading. But one thing is that the question mark in, line 12 should not be there. It should be a period or an exclamation mark. It doesn't really sound like you are asking a question there. Overall you did a wonderful job writing this poem. It really touched my heart. Keep up the magnificent work and I hope to read more of your writing in the future!
AshleyDashley