As she tread through Swamps of Sorrow,
No happiness or joy could she borrow.
Her hair danced in the wind and rain
Her dull watery eyes showed her pain.
A man came--he stole her heart,
And with all her love he did depart.
In the swamps she began to sink,
At this time she stopped to think,
"May my love be with you all your days."
Now in the Swamps of Sorrow she still stays...
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I have changed this poem, I hope this is better than the first version.
Hey, Dogs here for a review on another one of your poems. I just can't get over the fact that you are such good at rhyming. I wish I had that talent, but I don't. I'm not good at coming up with good rhymes. Anyway, enough about me. Let's get started.
Let's start with nitpicks. I'm not trying to be rude or harsh, so please don't take these personally.
1: There is a un-needed comma in the last line.
[/quote]'I love you my, dear,' while sinking she slurs.[/quote]
You don't need the comma after mine, because it creates a pause... You don't say...
"I love you my..." *pauses* "Dear". You would just say "I love you my dear", then you put the comma.
Other than that I'm pretty sure, everyone else got every other nitpick, and didn't leave any for me. But that's okay. xD
You are a great writing, and I hope you never lose that talent...
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
P.S. Sorry this review couldn't have been longer, sorry it's kind of short.
-Dogs<3
Thanks again for your review. I really don't know what to do with this one. Lol God bless, I will try to make this more clear
It's okay, no worries. Everyone needs a little help sometimes!
Keep writing... Oh wait, that's your line, (hint, hint, your username)...
Okay, I changed this up a bit. Hope you enjoy it.
I did enjoy it! Thanks for writing it!
Hello. This is Margo here for a review. Swamps of Sorrow is a real humdinger of a title. I'm quite in love with it. Though, I must say, the poem leaves a little to be desired. Rhyming is tricky, but very effective and clever when well done. A poet must balance rhyme with flow, and that certainly is no easy task.
Things just aren't jiving for me here. Sorrow and tomorrow don't work. Sorrow and borrow perhaps. But tomorrow...meh. When it comes to rhymes I try to stick to couplets with the same syllables to maintain flow. Rain and plain are fine...but the lines could be reworded for flow. Try something like:
Treading through the swamps of sorrow,
she heeded not a joy to borrow.
Hair that danced in wind and rain--
garments soiled, old and plain.
See how that rolls off the tongue? When writing a poem, read it out loud afterwards and see how it sounds. It should sound almost musical with a sort of beat to it.
Classic heartbreak. Let's not rhyme words within the same line...unless it works, but, here, it doesn't. You could perhaps get away with 'her heart was broken; a fellow unspoken' but it would be best if those were separate lines.
She'd had her heart broken,
And since? She hadn't spoken.
Grew tired. Began to sink.
Nothing to do. Nothing but think.
In your version you state her soul was awoken...do you mean to suggest that this woman committed suicide? For her soul to be awoken...well, it makes me think her body died. Let me know if I'm mistaken.
Repetition is a great tool in poetry. It can help accentuate a feeling and add a touch of drama. I can't decide it if works here...continuing think with think.
Think. The love they shared?
HA! Could she be spared?
No, not hers. Her life was done.
Better to die than outlive fun.
Yes, I believe you did well in repeating the word 'think.' I'm not sure I understand your line 'but his actions didn't make her do hers.' Am I to believe she took her life for some other reason? She proclaims her love for this cruel man...but were these her last words?
Ignore my edits if you do not like them. I only put them in to get you thinking of other ways you could state things. Remember: a good work is never done.
--MS
Thanks for your review. This poem was tricky to write but your points are all valid I'll see what I can do to help myself out here.
Two lines couplets, all rhyming; simple but nice, my favorite poetic form in fact.
I would probably drop 'the' from the first line.
Third to last line is too long I think and should be pared back significantly, kind of stands out like a sore thumb.
The second to last line I find confusing as to what you're saying, it might just be me but maybe you wanna take a closer look at that and rework it if it warrants?
Good imagery, timeless theme, for some reason brings to mine the scene in that great poem 'Beowulf' where the title character goes to kill Grendel's mother, I dont know why but it does.
Anyways keep up the good work. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more from you and if you have any questions/comments/responses regarding my review feel free to PM me.
Thank you for your time. I'll try to make this clearer. God bless