I remember his gentle hands
As they reached out for me.
I remember his heart-warming laugh,
That filled me with such glee.
My eyes are overcome with tears
Remembering the days that passed,
And as I hold his pictures in hand
I think of how it's gone too fast.
Those memories are bittersweet,
When I think about them too long,
But I'll remember the good ol' days,
And sing my baby's favorite song.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hi,
There is a frequent problem among writers of poetry. This is that they are too descriptive /in the literal/. What I mean is that everything is far too literal and language is hardly used in a figurative, or sophisticated way in order to "hide" the literal and the meaning. Instead of saying "my eyes are overcome with tears" why don't you use a little more obscure and poetic language? Perhaps you could invoke a metaphor or contrasting imagery to further make the distinction between the times past and the times in the present when the mother misses the child. Don't just tell the reader what's going on. You should imbue your writing with proper use of poetic language and literary techniques. This involves, of course, much much more thoughtful considerations of all the elements of poetic language (not to mention the structure or rhythm of the poem) and will be more effortful (as this poem is not).
Lemons
[maruqee] King Here[/maruqee]
This is seriously my favourite part. I think I did not felt any rhyme like this in any other parts of this work of yours but this is not the only reason. Well, one of the reasons? I like the flow and the feelings that this is the climax of the work. This is relatable only for the parents in some kind of way but I still can fell the sadness one could feel when they understand the time just goes on and runs away so fast and we do not even realize that the time we had before with some people from our past is already far far away and gone long ago.
I really like this work and the feelings put into it. Maybe the only problem(for me) was that after a comma you start with a capital letter. But this is still a style of writing and I accept it because this is a poetry after all. I may only tell you to not put comma if we do not stop there or pause for a moment before going on with the sentence.
Hey, I'm here for a quick review.
I like the idea behind this. It's a sweet thing when we explore a mother's mind when she remembers the old time she has with her child. Now, on to what can be improve.
The lines can do without the comma as it's not needed grammatically, but in poetry, it can serve as a pause. However, it's placed at the end of the first line, which means it's act as a pause when there's already a pause when you go over from the first line to the second. It's nothing major, but it can do to keep what's necessary and what's not in your poem.
I think this has a nice imagery, but one that I hope is expanded. I would like to see more description about his laugh, his body language when he's laughing. 'heart-warming' is too abstract to be visualised. More detailed imagery can deliver stronger message to the readers.
Anyway, I think the poem just needs more substance in the poem. The rhyme scheme in it seems to me restricted the more imageries you can have in it, as well as diversifying your sentence structure to create different volumes of impact to your readers. Perhaps it's better written as a free-verse poem where more detailed imageries can be inserted more freely.
This is a nice effort overall. Keep up the good job!
Thank you for your review. I wrote a free verse poem not too long ago and no one took a look at it for me so I decided to stick with rhyming schemes. You have valid points but I'm not sure how I'd fit more description in there. It's a poem so I cant really do so much otherwise it'll be more like a short story that rhymes. xD I'm also not sure if you really liked it or not.
I like the idea behind this.
It's a fantastic poem, once again. I love how you took this from the perspective of a parent looking back at their kid's life. It's a reminder to always take advantage of the time that you have in life. I've only read two of your poems, but I love them. You're fantastic and keep up the great work!
Thanks again. <3 Don't forget to click the like button.
Hello Keepwriting, I want to start off by saying that the poem is very touching. It is very bittersweet for a parent to watch their children grow up. However, I feel like it ends too abruptly. I personally feel like there should be another verse in between the " You watched him grow to be a man" and "remember the days that passed." Also, you changed from first person to second person. It was a bit confusing when you went from saying "me" and "you". It makes it a bit difficult for the reader to figure out from whose perspective the poem is being read. Despite those two things, I felt like the poem was well written and enjoyable.
Thanks. You have very valid points. Don't forget to click the like button.