Tip, tap,
Went the sound of her shoes,
As she walked the streets of gold.
In her hand was a looking glass
That never tarnished or dulled.
Her dressed swished cheerfully,
And underneath great locks of hair,
Her eyes shone, big and round.
Such beauty was very rare.
Tip, tap,
Went the rain before her feet,
Flowing to show her a way
To a paradise she heard of
In lullabies at the end of each day.
Every lullaby began the same,
'Once upon a time'.
Only dreams could carry her
to her paradise prime.
Tip, tap,
Went the sound of her coins
that lay in the palm of her hand
Everyday she counted them
wishing they were grains of sand.
For such riches everyday
soon spoiled her life.
When all you need is love, sweet love,
to carry you through each strife.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi! So, your caption/summary thing said this was just for fun, and this is fun. You have a couple of awkward lines I'll point out in a second, but definitely fun!
So, first. Because you're rhyming, you end up with a sing-song and very strict rhythm that you're not always following. As a reader, it's jarring to have that rhythm interrupted, and I'm not sure it serves you well - there are times it can be essential or an entire piece will hinge on the play with the expected, but you'll have to decide what is serving you best/what needs to be fiddled with.
Your first two stanzas follow the rhythm/rhyme quite nicely, but in your second stanza, I'm not sure about your transition between your first two lines. That part reads as off, not due to the rhythm/rhyme so much as the transition in your exposition.
Last stanza, second/last lines are off - you need another syllable in the second, and the last needs one less. You're working with an unstressed/stressed iamb primarily (though, no, not in all lines), but in these it's much more apparent that you're breaking form than in others, in part because it's not quite right as a phrase, not just a single line.
Anyway! That aside, thanks for the quick read! Dealing with rhymes and stricter rhythmic patters is definitely not for the faint of heart.
Mesh
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a(failed attempt at a) review!
I think you mean 'dress' here.Personally, I think that 'every' would be stronger than 'each' here, but that's just my opinion.
I think that you should specify 'as numerous as' in the last line of this stanza, but that would interfere with the flow of the poem. However, I think that in poetry, the words should be prioritized over the flow, so I would find some way to make it clear that she wished they were grains of sand because grains of sand are more numerous than her money.
Overall, I liked how you began every section with 'tip tap', and the poem had a really beautiful flow to it. My only critique would be towards the end, the very last stanza. In my opinion, that was the weakest stanza of the poem because it didn't really summarize the poem like I think a last stanza should, and I think that a better way to conclude would have been to point out that she might have such and such, but she lamented that she didn't have riches.
Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to let me know, and I'll do my best to answer them. This was a phenomenal poem, and I'm still a newbie at reviewing poetry, but I did my best, and hopefully that's enough to still give you some good takeaways.
MJ out!
*poof*
Of course, I may be wrong and RubyRed may disagree, but I believe the main character is rich, not poor, as you think she is