If, my love, you had it all,
And you could change it
Would it be my downfall?
Or would it be to my benefit?
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
love this :*
Thanks don't forget to click the "like" button.
I don't think I'll be lengthening this piece.
Hey, keepwriting! clogs here to review!
I'm gonna agree with Morrigan on this one. This doesn't really have anything enticing about it.
I also saw how you went and basically copied their review and put it on one of their two-year-old works as some sort of petty "revenge". That's not cool. It's really immature and disrespectful. Just throwing that out there.First of all, the italics are actually to the detriment of the poem. They end up losing their meaning if you use it on the whole thing. If you know anything about music, then it's a bit like playing everything loudly and accented in the whole piece. The different dynamics aren't heard, and notes that should actually be loud just blend in with all the rest, so there's nothing special about them. The same goes for the italics. Only use them when they're necessary.
Also, the rhyme is kind of meh. The first one, between "all" and "downfall", is all right, but the second one I didn't even notice at first. It's very unnatural. I think you end up contorting your lines in order to fit the rhyme, which is something you should never have to do in good structured poetry. It actually ended up making me kind of confused as to what you really meant. Everything should sound natural. Maybe change the rhymes, or try dropping them altogether! I think this poem would be better as free verse, and I think that once you experiment with it some, you'll be surprised to find that it actually does make for nuanced and interesting poetry.
So, as I said before, I think Morrigan hit the nail on the head. This is overly general. The only poetic device there is is rhyme, and as I said before, rhyming does not automatically make a poem. It's more about the other poetic devices. Imagery, metaphor, all that good stuff. Right now, this has none of that, which is what's keeping it from being interesting.
I could keep going on listing the things Morrigan said that I agree with, but that would probably be redundant. So I'm just going to close off this review saying to make sure you take their review seriously, and don't give them petty "revenge" reviews on two-year-old works just to "make a point". Their review is wonderful, and absolutely right.
So I hope I was helpful! Keep on writing!
You reviewed it while I was changing it. xD
You're my face, cleverclogs.
*fave
Oh I was kind of confused there XD
But either way, it's an honor!
She was being a hypocrite.
Even if that were true, it's still incredibly childish to basically copy her review and submit it for points.
Eh, whatever.
Hey Keepwriting! Lovely to finally get to reviewing one of your works! Let's begin!
So when I read this through the first time, I'll say that I was mildly confused. If you read the whole poem as if it were a couple of sentences, it doesn't make a lot of sense.
So for this sentence, I would fix the basic structure. The way that this line is organized distracts the reader from the overall meaning of the poem. If you want to keep the interest of the reader, you have to make every single detail of your sentence feasible for the reader to read.
I like the general idea of the poem and I feel that you have some sort of large emotional bank behind it, but the idea seems kind of general. What kind of love is this? Is this love between two people who just started seeing each other or is it two people who have suddenly lost each other's trust? You must specify what type of love your poem describes for the reader to fully connect to what you are trying to convey.
In addition to adding what type of love is in your poem, try to add some imagery and detail to your poem. No, you do not need to make this into prose, but if you created more images so that the reader will be able to connect more to your story. Sometimes people don't know what you are going through or what you want to tell them, so you have to make similes or metaphors for them to grasp the idea. For example, if my audience is someone who love to play music but I'm trying to convey my love of learning to them, I would include some sort of simile or metaphor with music in there.
I sort of find the title is lacking. It's one of those general titles which poets like to fall back to when they write something about a question. I would like to suggest that you come up with something more personal and unique to you and your poem. Make the title tie into your piece not only by words but by ideas. I think the word "if" could be in it but it should include something more personal or unique to you.
Now the punctuation seems to be put in some good and some bad places. When I read your piece, I read it with emphasis on the punctuation marks. So when you don't have any punctuation after "And you could change it," the idea blends into the next line. Use punctuation to your advantage for transitions and pauses. Make it your friend!
Okay so I think I'm done critiquing your work! Now for some compliments for you! If I had to say anything, I really do appreciate the overall idea and love you put into this poem. It doesn't matter how long it took you to write it because what really matters is what it means to you. Poetry is special because you can express so many amazing emotions in such few letters as you did here! A little bit more context and the reader can fully connect to your ideas. I also think the rhyming scheme adds a good amount of rhythm to your piece. If I read your work aloud, I can sway and forth to it because it has that rhyming pattern. Using those types of styles actually help to transition your ideas better throughout your piece.
Keep sailing through the sea of writing!
~AdmiralKat
Hello, keepwriting!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
While this piece looks like a poem, and even has an end rhyme, does that make this a poem? Poetry can be defined in many ways, but this is just a question. A poem should bring some kind of insight into the world. It focuses on noticing things and trying to make sense of them. To me, this is not a poem yet. Just because you word things in a poetic manner does not make a question a poem.
Instead of keeping this poem so general and bland, get into specifics. Tell the story, or give us names or people or why the speaker wonders this. Imagery! Add some. There is zero imagery here, and it adds to the starkness of the question.
The question you ask in the current piece can be the central idea for a work, but as it is, it does not function as a poem on its own.
If you choose to use this as the basis for a different work, I also suggest shifting the focus away from the speaker. It is more provocative to focus on the relationship between two people than the potential downfall of one character alone.
I think this would be a solid concept for a different work. Try using metaphor, simile, and other elements of poetry to really make this idea shine.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy writing!