How I love the white snow,
That lands on my nose,
And will someday go,
But for now... a frozen hose.
How I love the breeze,
That frosty Christmas air,
And the white coated trees.
Now one feels free of care.
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Hey, yo, Wonderwoman! Strange here and I have a review for you on this fantastic day! Okay, so, I do have some complaints about this poem. What poetry really relies on, in a sense, is theme. If poetry doesn't have a strong theme, then it's overall ineffective. You need to fully showcase the theme on a grand display and let the world know. Now, to do this you have to use poetic elements to elevate this. Do you do this? Well, let's jump right in.
Not trying to make this come off as offensive, but this is elementary in a sense. It's the way you rely on a ABABCDDEEFFGGHH scheme. It's too simple. It didn't really make me feel like it was winter. It still feels like summer. Nothing about this poem made me feel. You ought to feel something while reading poetry, but it felt near like a brick wall. Going full force on a motorcycle and crashing. Here are some technical complaints.
The biggest complaint is how you capitalize, but I'll get to that later. There should be a comma after the second line, not a period. If you were to read this out loud, it would cause a pretty awkward stutter. You have to say it how it looks.
Two rather big complaints here. That snowman line, which breaks up the pattern you were going for, is non sensical. I honestly find no importance it has to the poem overall. "Hey, let's awkwardly break up the poem right here!" is what I got from it. I don't find it as a stylistic choice. The next complaint is that last line. It should be:
or anything like that. It honestly looks flat, that line in its original form, and dampens the poem more than it needs to.
Now, your capitalization in poetry isn't an "English standard". How I view poetry is you do capitalization like you would in a sentence. When it comes to this "English stand", You'll be capitalizing after every comma. In English, When it is a standard, Is this correct? No, it's not. Now, it's your stylistic choice to do so, but the way you do it now can effectively break my vision. Just a piece of advice.
Well, that's all. Thank you and stay groovy!
I love how you wrote this and submitted it during summer. (Ha ha!)
First of all, this is a thoughtful poem. It gives me a joyful, wonder-filled feeling.
But at the beginning, I think that the first line doesn't need a comma. Also, the lines "That lands on my nose." and "That will someday go." are a little awkward. Perhaps you could omit the period at after "nose." That might make it run a little more smoothly.
Great job! Keep up the good work!
Hi, thank you this was very helpful! Don't forget to "like" it.
Hey and don't forget to "like" it.
A very good piece of moment is described as in your poem you have totally extracted the moment and you did also made a good effort on the poem.Overall this poem is Arrant.
Ali Murtaza S.
Thanks.
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its a good poem for all the chidren. i luv the way u described the poem i am a indian and so we dont get to see the beautiful winter u described. the snow stuffing bour nose is somthing we desire whole year but we gwt thw tremendous heat in its place. for global warming whole earth shall be in this state. as for ur poem it is good. iluv it. plz keep writing and i shall keep reading.
Thank you. I am glad you liked it.
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Hey! EternalRain here to drop by and leave a quick review!
Your love for winter was expressed nicely in this poem, it was short, sweet, and straight to the point. However (there's always a however, or a but), I think the imagery could've been expanded on a bit more, and the rhyming was quite forced.
Especially right here:
The rhyming here with nose and hose sounds way to forced and intentional (I know, when you write poems that rhyme it's usually intentionally, but when they say forced, it feels too intentional, you know?) I also don't really get what you mean by frozen hose - like the hose that water comes out of? If so, it still doesn't really make sense in the context.
Small nitpick;
There should be their.
So, I really actually think this would be better off with no rhyming. I personally like poems that don't rhyme (writing them, I mean:P reading rhyming poems is always fun) because they're so much easier to handle with and you get so much more stuff in.
See this line? Without the rhyming, this could so easily be expanded upon, and made more clearer by what you mean by "that will someday go". I suppose you mean melt away, but without the rhyme scheme you're able to tell us that.
Just a suggestion with the rhyming - I always find it easier, but if you want, by all means, stick with it! Some people love rhyming and others don't.
I hope this has helped you! Keep writing, my friend,
~ EternalRain
Hello. Yes, I see what you mean. It is a bit strained but all my poems seem to be that why. Maybe it's a style I have leaned into. Poems are not like stories either. They don't contain a lot of description, for instance:
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
This does not contain a lot of description it's just a short story within a poem. It's short simple and very famous for that. You see here that the rhythm gets a bit "choppy" but that's how it's supposed to be. As for the "their" thing in my poem, just a simple error. In my opinion I will always treasure poems that rhyme.
~\/\/onder
All right! It all depends on your taste and style and I totally understand that~ Good luck writing! ^_^
Thanks.
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