Went outside to play I did
Cause my mama told me so.
Went a climbin' up a tree
And I did it really slow.
~
Went a searchin' for the sun
To give to my mama sweet.
Chased the blazing sun I did.
Started sweatin' from da heat.
~
I jumped up into the sky,
And I grabbed that sun so bright.
The light 'most blinded my eyes
But I didn’t get no fright.
~
Gave that big ol' sun to ma.
She gave me a sweet smile.
If I had a do it 'gain,
I could run ten million miles.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Wow, cool poem!
Thanks.
Aww this is cute i love my mama too and i would do anything for her. So Here's my review for your poem.
I think you did a great job with this poem you made it cute and emotional with the innocence in the rhyming you give the poem an emotional touch right now i am just imagining a little boy climbing up a tree and grabbing the sun by his hand and bringing it over to his Mama. This poem makes you re-think your priorities and has a great lesson that we should never forget those who did so much for us, who went through so much for us without even asking for anything in return . I think this is brilliantly written specially for a 15 year old. Keep up the good work and don't ever let anything let in your path to success. Good luck
Thanks, Asher123. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Don't forget to click the "like" button up top.
Hi there Keepwriting! Niteowl here to review this cute poem!
Overall, I think the rhyme is really cute and it's strong in the first two stanzas.
I think "from" would make more sense than "cause" without disrupting the flow.
This line makes little sense to me, which is a common symptom of forced rhyming. I would find a different way to phrase what you mean that fits the rhyme pattern...maybe "But the prize was worth the fight"?
These lines are a bit awkward. With the first, I think "smile" is only one syllable, which makes the line short. Easy fix: "She gave me the sweetest smile".
The second line seems weird to me mainly because I've never heard "again" shortened like that. This might be a regional difference, though.
Overall, this is a cute poem, just a few tweaks. As your username says, keep writing!
Thanks niteowl! I feel so stupid lol I meant to put "fright" instead of "fight". And from does seem to fit better, thanks!
Hello! Waffle here for a quick review
This is a version of poetry I feel like this site doesn't encase very often. It's not really descriptive, but the story you are telling doesn't need much describing. That's what I like about it
Your spacing is just right, and the story is really adorable.
I think you could change the last paragraph, though.
After "If I had to do it 'gain." there should be a comma, not a period.
Also, I don't mind you changing the words around because it is being told by a young child, but in this sentence, "'gain." should just be "again." It sounds better. 'Gain just didn't really fit :/
Overall, it's a really good story. It kept me hooked until the end, and I didn't get bored
Keep writing!
Waffle~
Thanks for your review, PancakeandWaffle. I'm glad you liked it! Don't forget to click the "like" button up top.