June 10th, 2017; 5:36 P.M.
The heat, and the air, were not foreign,
But my skin had a warmth to it,
Not drenched and sopping, but dry, nervous.
With my foot hitting the not so splotchy green grass,
And my hands tapping the armrest of my chair
Wanting to hold yours, the one sitting next to me,
I felt like that kid again,
The one in the beach chair on the patio
Eyes locked behind sunglasses on a girl
Who I’d spoken to once, maybe, softly.
You became real, with, pitch, density, sound,
A footstep with a thud, and one with a crunch of grass,
A smile, an emotion, on an off day a tear,
You we as real as the skin that stuck to your bones.
You were the bones.
For all the nights before and the days I reminisced,
I’d never thought I’d relive the moment
Of seeing someone I loved so dear,
Around 5 pm, summer sunsets, heat and friends,
And an anxious fluttering in my chest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello, EKK15. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let's get started, shall we?
Overall Opinion
I am not good at reviewing poems, but I am going to give this a shot. I am going to review it in a way I perceived the poem. So the way I read this poem, I thought of myself as the person in the poem, sitting next to someone special to me on a beach, when we were children. Now, older, I turn to see the child I saw before. Thinking about the past. I am assuming that the two people loved each other, but their loved one passed, and now they are thinking of that person, wishing that person was still there. That was my perspective of the poem, which makes me sad inside. I enjoyed reading this.
Nitpicks and Stuff
Just put a space between 'arm' and 'rest'.
This did not make sense. Did you mean 'you' or 'we'? That would definitely confuse the reader.
Conclusion
Just make sure you read over your work before publishing that way the simple mistakes are taken care of. That's all I have to say to that. I did enjoy reading this. I felt happiness and sadness, pain and joy. All in one. Keep up the great work.
Keep writing ~
- Kanome
Amazing!!
Radrook here for a review. Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem. I really love reading this poem about the encounter of the speaker with someone that he had recalled with deep affection but had lost hope of seeing again until that fateful day. It describes how the day had suddenly become unexpectedly special. How what had once been only an ephemeral fading memory once more came to life. It is a very rare thing for such pleasurable reunions to happen. I sometimes yearn that I could go back and be with those women whom so briefly crossed my life only to disappear as if from the face of the earth.
Suggestions.
Please note that I do recognize that a poet has the right to ignore punctuation and if I don’t feel that it detracts or interferes, I will say nothing. But in this case I had to pause to reconnect sentences and figure out if the following line was a continuation or if it was a totally new thought. So I added the punctuation that I feel would make it easy for me to read and understand and would improve the poem.
However, the decision is up to you and if you feel that any of my suggestions are not helpful please feel free to reject them.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
The heat, and the air, were not foreign,
[b]ut my skin had a warmth to it,
[n]ot drenched and sopping, but dry, nervous.
With my foot hitting the [not-so-splotchy,] green grass,
[a]nd my hands tapping the armrest of my chair
[w]anting to hold yours, the one sitting next to me,
I felt like that kid again[,]
[t]he one in the beach chair on the patio[,]
[e]yes behind my sunglsasses locked [on a girl]
[w]hom I’d spoken to once, maybe, softly.
You became real, with, pitch, density, sound,
[a] footstep with a thud, and one with a crunch of [dry leaves],
[a] smile, an emotion, on an off day[,] a tear[.]
You [were] as real as the skin that stuck to your bones.
You were the bones.
For all the nights before and the days I reminisced,
I’d never thought I’d relive the moment
[o]f seeing someone I loved so dear,
[a]round 5 PM, summer sunset, heat and friends,
[a]nd an anxious fluttering in my chest.