Approached from a distance,
Eyes catch eyes,
So natural the movements as we collide.
“You’re okay.”
Embraced and locked together,
Warm skin touching warm skin,
Sheltered from the cold.
“I love you.”
Chin resting on shoulder,
Arms; one above hers,
One below hers.
“I’m proud of you.”
A smile breaks onto my cheeks,
Eyes squeezed shut,
Letting the physical wall down.
“Thank you for everything.”
Breaking apart but not wanting it to end,
The cold races back,
The smiles still there.
“You matter to me.”
No actual words, no sounds,
Just two people in each other's arms,
Understanding, loving.
And caring about one another.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
Approached from a distance,
Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words
Spoiler
Eyes catch eyes,
So natural the movements as we collide.
You both came together accidental but love each other anyway.
“You’re okay.”
Embraced and locked together,
Warm skin touching warm skin,
Sheltered from the cold.
You are now coming close together, but by your own will.
“I love you.”
Chin resting on shoulder,
Arms; one above hers,
One below hers.
They are drawn further into the embrace, now completely voluntary.
“I’m proud of you.”
A smile breaks onto my cheeks,
Eyes squeezed shut,
Letting the physical wall down.
“Thank you for everything.”
This 'hug' is metaphoric for love and the relationship in general.
Breaking apart but not wanting it to end,
The cold races back,
The smiles still there.
“You matter to me.”
No actual words, no sounds,
Just two people in each other's arms,
Understanding, loving.
And caring about one another.
You have reached the point at which you are completely intertwined, life without one another unimaginable.
Very charming poem which very effectively portrays a special moment in two people's lives.
Hi there, EKK15! And welcome to YWS - I see you're relatively new. Hope you're enjoying it here so far!
So, the first stanza of this poem really caught me. The rhythm and sound of the first three lines is absolutely excellent. The first two lines quite short, running into the third, which has a bit of a change in rhythm and feels a little faster, and then a sort of break for the very short fourth line - it all works really nicely in my head, and when I read it aloud. So, basically, I think you've really nailed the flow of that first stanza.
I'm not sure all the other stanzas quite live up to the first one in terms of flow and rhythm, though. The way I tend to suggest people try to improve this kind of thing is by reading the words aloud - are there places where you stumble trying to fit all the words in, or have to leave an odd gap? Those are the places to look at (unless, of course, you're intentionally trying to create an effect there). So, for example, I stumbled a little over the second stanza, because the first one sets up an expectation of something like this:
where you have a kind of da DAH da da pattern, but then the first line of the second stanza is more like:
which is a kind of da DAH da DAH da, more alternating, and that threw me a little, because it was very different from the previous stanza.
You've got some really nice imagery throughout this poem, and you've done really well at describing the sensations and feelings of a hug rather than just listing off good things about hugs, and that definitely works for you, making this poem feel good.
Overall, nice one! I liked this poem - and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future
Heeey, EKK15!! With3r3dros3 here for a review!
First off, a late welcome to YWS!! I hope you love it here!
Okay, let's get to the review!! I love the poem overall. It was very easy to read. I think it was beautifully written. I really enjoyed reading it! I always enjoy a cute romantic poem! <3
I love the concept of the poem. Nice and simple, but deep at the same time. I think every line in each stanza fit together nicely. The poem flowed together very nicely and it was a little choppy, but that's okay because it didn't bother me that much.
Emotion and imagery were DEFINATLY present. I really love how you expressed the emotion in this poem with detail. I could really feel the emotion.
I do have a couple complaints. When the two lovers are speaking to each other, for example:
Which one of the lovers is speaking? I'd really love to know!
Another complaint I have is this line doesn't make sense to me:
I didn't really get what you meant here.
Well, that's the end of my review. Hope it helped you. I can't wait to see what you publish in the future. Until then, keep writing and best of luck!
xo. With3r3dros3
Hello there. I'm just dropping by for a review.
This is a really sweet poem. I know that a hug from somebody can definitely alleviate any insecurities or sadness or some other emotion. I can definitely relate to the feeling from being hugged, and I think this poem captured it well.
What bothered me most of the poem was the phrasing of the thoughts. To me, it was really choppy and I would have liked to see some smoother flow between thought to thought. Though I don't mind fragments too much, the choppiness of the transition from sentence to sentence threw me off. It jarred an otherwise sweet read. An example,
The third line made me wince a little. The phrasing is really awkward in my opinion and the movement from line to line wasn't really smooth.
This is just a quibble but I am wondering who is speaking when. For example, the "I love you" is from the narrator or she? And then the other words? I don't know if it's necessary for me to know, though, so I'm not sure about my suggestion to clarify who is speaking.
All in all, I want to suggest you to fix the flow from thought to thought, sentence to sentence for a much smoother poem. But remember that my word isn't law, and you can completely disagree with my review