Hidden behind a book,
I saw her face for the first time.
Stuck in a secluded nook,
drinking her tea with a lime.
She looked so odd,
with a pencil in her lip,
I just stood there, awed,
and just stared at her for a bit.
She was so beautiful,
with her long raven hair.
I walked to her, ready and dutiful,
while still wanting to disappear.
She looked at me and smiled,
And I felt blessed.
She made my heart go wild,
beating rapidly in my chest.
Her eyes sparkled so bright,
The same green as her skirt.
It must have been a site,
watching me hopelessly flirt.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey!
There's nothing like a good old love poem. Let's dig in, shall we?
General Comments:
1. A lot of the rhymes that you actually picked are pretty great! I hadn't thought of a number of them before. The beautiful/dutiful one is especially cool.
2. So there aren't a ton of rules in poetry, but given that this is a rhyming poem, I feel like the rhythm needs to be a bit stronger? I counted syllables in a number of lines, and it doesn't seem like any of the stanzas really line up with each other in their length and rhythm. This can be fixed with some rearranging of your sentence structure and adding in whatever small pieces you need.
Little Comments:
1. In regard to Liberty500's comment on 'site,' did you mean to say 'sight?'
2. That last line was a nice touch of like, cute and funny! I always like a bit of surprise in poetry, and that last line added just enough of something-different that it helped make a new feeling in the poem. Also I totally relate. Flirting is so awkward.
Overall, cute poem! I think you could really dig a little more without changing the length, but if this was just meant to be fun and adoring, you got it.
Good job, keep it up!
-Vento
I think I can speak for everyone when I say, we have all been there. It so rare the mere sight of someone, you can just capture their beauty. "And I felt blessed," I can truely tell that this girl was a sight to see. Her very essance was something to behold. I also love the title, "Her," as if to say, maybe her name was forgotten, or the mention of "Her" can indicate who one is speaking of. This poem has a relatable scenario, a sweet story, and above all else, take one's breath away. 9/10, great job.
Hey Bellarke!
I love your poem. She's the one who made you happy right? Well, I'm glad!
I just have a question: What do you mean by "site" in this line, "It must have been a site,"?
Looking forward to your reply,
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500