I look up at the Sky
its beauty shining in my eyes,
before they flit back to the paper
stark white against the desk
blacker than death.
These words swell inside you,
they move your fingers
your body
they are struggling inside you,
fighting to be set free.
You can't let them free, there's no way
no way to express the intensity of the emotions inside you
You clutch the pen in one hand
your fingernails digging into the palms of the other.
The pen you clutch in your hand buckles
underneath the pressure of the feelings you bear
red blotches spraying your paper
the acrid, metallic smell staining the air.
The stinging of ink in your hands.
You scream for the words
You beg
you pray
you plea
but the torment never stops.
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@Kayley01 here for review. So I think ii get the idea of your piece.
You have all these words trapped inside of you trying to get out.. all your feeling and emotions can't be spoken so the only way you can express them is with ink and paper.
I like the idea of the poem yet there were some mistakes in your lay - out.
So the first mistake I noticed is that "The Sky" is capatilized. I can sometimes make this mistake too. Don't worry everybody makes mistakes. Anyway the point is there is no need for the sky to be capatilized. It isn't a name of a person or place it is a thing.
The lay-out confused me because you should have put more full stops or commas in a lot of places.
I like the way you described a lot of the things like the sky or your emotions or the way the blood dripped on to the page.
Anyway this was a great piece and keep writing!
Yours sincerely, @Kayley01.
Hey I'm here to review your work!
I look up at the Sky (I don't like how sky is capitalized. I don't really see the point. It's not like it's a name and it doesn't seem rather important to the point. If it is thought perhaps you should think of adding or changing it to the title, but when reading the rest of your work, I don't see a need for this to be capitalized.)
its beauty shining in my eyes, (I would like to see a adjective in front of beauty. I feel like that could add some nice imagery.)
before they flit back to the paper (I would change "flit" to another word)
stark white against the desk
blacker than death. (how can it be white but also black? is it the ink? please explain or at least hint slightly in the poem)
These words swell inside you, (I changed to you?)
they move your fingers
your body
they are struggling inside you,
fighting to be set free.
You can't let them free, there's no way (repetition of "free" doesn't sound good and sounds like you copied the sentence and pressed paste. Perhaps spice things up.)
no way to express the intensity of the emotions inside you (take of the "s" in emotions, I feel like it sounds better (this might be grammatically incorrect (probably is)))
You clutch the pen in one hand
your fingernails digging into the palms of the other.
The pen you clutch in your hand buckles (repetition of clutch doesn't sound great)
underneath the pressure of the feelings you bear
red blotches spraying your paper (spraying doesn't feel like the right word)
the acrid, metallic smell staining the air.
The stinging of ink in your hands.
You scream for the words
You beg (the "you" before beg is capitalized but the other "you"s are not)
you pray
you plea
but the torment never stops. (kind of weak last line)
Hope I helped,
Alice
This is Kaos here for a review!
I thought it was an odd choice to capitalize the word "sky" and it was rather distracting from the rest of the stanza like it had some sort of special meaning. You say that the sky is beautiful, but you never explain why, and it overall just seems like a weak line. The lines that are the third through the fifth work well with me, but I do have something to say about them. In the fourth line you're talking about the paper, and then in the fifth you just have "blacker than death", which didn't make much sense to me. It's inferred that you're talking about the desk? But that was a bit confusing.
Punctuation is needed in this stanza. Chop the lines up instead of having this stanza only have one period at the end, it'll make it flow better.
This stanza felt kind of generic to me with the whole drama about words that want to be set free and all, but it's not bad. My main problem with this stanza is that you use "inside you" twice in this. It kills me. It really messes up the stanza and it would be beneficial if you changed it or just took one of them out.
The first two lines just feel like a longer run-on of the last stanza, but the second set of lines has some better imagery, but I feel like there should be some rewording done and punctuation between the lines. In the first two lines, though, you use "there's no way" and then "no way" for more emphasis, but I don't feel like it's beneficial for the poem. If you do decide to keep it, I suggest putting a comma after "there's no way" as it feels awkward without it. Honestly, I don't really see the need for it to be there.
First off, "in your hand buckles" seems like a really awkward line, and I think you meant or should put a comma in between "clutch" and "your", while taking out the "in". In the second line, you use "bear" instead of "bare". This stanza has the most creative imagery out of the whole poem, which I commend you on that. The flow, though, is still awkward while reading it. I suggest putting a period after paper, and then starting a new line so that you can put a semicolon in between "air" and "the stinging" to help the flow.
I felt like this was the weakest part of the poem and rather just felt like you gave up on trying to wrap this up nicely. There isn't much to say about what's here, but one choice you made was to use the general "you" throughout the poem. It felt odd to read it that way, but I'm neutral on your choice of that.
That's all I had to say about this poem, I hope this helped and have a great day!