Young Writers Society

@Kayley01 here for review. So I think ii get the idea of your piece.

You have all these words trapped inside of you trying to get out.. all your feeling and emotions can't be spoken so the only way you can express them is with ink and paper.

I like the idea of the poem yet there were some mistakes in your lay - out.

So the first mistake I noticed is that "The Sky" is capatilized. I can sometimes make this mistake too. Don't worry everybody makes mistakes. Anyway the point is there is no need for the sky to be capatilized. It isn't a name of a person or place it is a thing.

The lay-out confused me because you should have put more full stops or commas in a lot of places.

I like the way you described a lot of the things like the sky or your emotions or the way the blood dripped on to the page.

Anyway this was a great piece and keep writing!

Yours sincerely, @Kayley01.

Hey I'm here to review your work!

I look up at the Sky (I don't like how sky is capitalized. I don't really see the point. It's not like it's a name and it doesn't seem rather important to the point. If it is thought perhaps you should think of adding or changing it to the title, but when reading the rest of your work, I don't see a need for this to be capitalized.)
its beauty shining in my eyes, (I would like to see a adjective in front of beauty. I feel like that could add some nice imagery.)
before they flit back to the paper (I would change "flit" to another word)
stark white against the desk
blacker than death. (how can it be white but also black? is it the ink? please explain or at least hint slightly in the poem)

These words swell inside you, (I changed to you?)
they move your fingers
your body
they are struggling inside you,
fighting to be set free.

You can't let them free, there's no way (repetition of "free" doesn't sound good and sounds like you copied the sentence and pressed paste. Perhaps spice things up.)
no way to express the intensity of the emotions inside you (take of the "s" in emotions, I feel like it sounds better (this might be grammatically incorrect (probably is)))
You clutch the pen in one hand
your fingernails digging into the palms of the other.

The pen you clutch in your hand buckles (repetition of clutch doesn't sound great)
underneath the pressure of the feelings you bear
red blotches spraying your paper (spraying doesn't feel like the right word)
the acrid, metallic smell staining the air.
The stinging of ink in your hands.

You scream for the words

You beg (the "you" before beg is capitalized but the other "you"s are not)
you pray
you plea

but the torment never stops. (kind of weak last line)

Hope I helped,
Alice

This is Kaos here for a review!

I look up at the Sky
its beauty shining in my eyes,
before they flit back to the paper
stark white against the desk
blacker than death.

These words swell inside you,
they move your fingers
your body
they are struggling inside you,
fighting to be set free.

You can't let them free, there's no way
no way to express the intensity of the emotions inside you
You clutch the pen in one hand
your fingernails digging into the palms of the other.

The pen you clutch in your hand buckles
underneath the pressure of the feelings you bear
red blotches spraying your paper
the acrid, metallic smell staining the air.
The stinging of ink in your hands.

You scream for the words

You beg
you pray
you plea

but the torment never stops.