My mouth gives off a grumble
As I tumble out of bed.
My tummy gives a rumble,
While it demands to be fed.
The smell of bacon gusts,
It drifts up to my door.
I give a couple puffs,
And get up off the floor.
Downstairs, the sight is heaven.
There is food on every plate,
Of the bacon, I eat seven,
I know I will gain weight.
The waffles leave us speechless,
As my siblings try a bite,
We eat the food like leeches,
Everything tastes quite right.
Then suddenly, we're done.
The plates are cleared away,
The day has just begun,
There's no reason left to stay.
My belly is quite vast,
As I put on my favorite jeans,
This feast will be my last,
And I vow to eat more greens.
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139,218 Literary Works • 672,513 Reviews
I like it! I absolutely like it! Although, of course, you could've used better language and expressions, it's also fine the way it is. You've rhymed everything perfectly, and I always prefer simple poems to dramatic, theatrical ones.
The last stanza is my favourite.
The only sort of error I find is that the line ''My mouth gives off a grumble'' doesn't sound quite right. I mean, GIVES OFF? It just seems weird to say that.
Also, the line "My belly is quite vast'' seemed very funny to me!
Write more!
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Hey Gravity! Where did the 'defying' go? xD
This was a great piece! This review's going to be pretty short since I couldn't nitpick any flaws, but I hope it helps anyway. I loved the dry humor and the rhyme in this poem! Your usage of words suited the humoristic theme, and the reader could relate with you all the way. I enjoyed the description in parts like-
I relished this part since I could almost smell the bacon! *slurps*
I liked that you acknowledged the fact that you were aware that you would put on weight, and yet fell to the desire of yummy food (I know how it feels XD)
This part was hilarious! I laughed so hard!
So that's about it for now, I look forward to reading (and judging
Hello hello hello!
There's nothing really to review about this piece here, it is absolutely fantastic, yet I will due to the high volume of the green room right now! There is nothing here I would change so I might as well say what was good about it!
The rhyming scheme was brilliant! I don't usually see much on that anymore, it was a refreshing change! I think the way you broke the stanzas apart was good along with each line. You can really picture the scene in your mind as you read along. Another good thing you had in here was the metaphors and simile. I personally wouldn't have thought to write a poem about a topic such as this but you did a wonderful job with it.
This is probably my favorite part out of it because I can just smell bacon and it makes me hungry!
That's all for now! Over all it was a really wonderful funny piece that doesn't need to be changed at all!
Keep writing,
tkpejb
Ha Ha, lol this is really good, and its actually making me quite hungry, since in my timezone we still haven't had dinner yet!!! Keep it up!!
thanks
Too good to review!
Aww thanks
Baha, wow. This is amazing. *laughs* It's so, so true. It's almost scary, because it pretty much captures my mornings perfectly. Minus the plural "siblings". I only have one sister.
Anyways, this was a really great, fun piece. It made me rather hungry, though. Imagine that if you can. =p
My favorite line was this:
"My belly is quite vast,
As I put on my favorite jeans,
This feast will be my last,
And I vow to eat more greens."
It sounds just like me. Except I never follow through. *sweatdrop* Ah, well. Great job with this. I look forward to reading more from you.