It drips from my tongue,
thieving the words from my lips
stealing the breaths from my lungs
wrapping the cord around my heart.
It drips from my tongue,
spellbound as
the cord tightens and
the organ turns purple, suffocating
suffocated
under the weight of it.
I'm breathing and yet choking
the water filling me
drowning me from the inside
the air tightening its hold.
I am reinvented, reborn, renewed
these words dripping
squeezing
melting
forcing themselves from me.
Until it's almost like a whisper
echoing the screams
of a heart once beating.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
hey there buddy.
I have a major problem with this work. Not because its bad, but because it has SOOO much potential. I can feel something behind this concept, which is very important, and your word choice is on the spot mostly. But they way you wrote it makes the piece sound more like a speech than a poem, and that is....grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Everything you did here was great except, how do i put this, the way you "stated" every phase instead of dancing through it. There isn't any melody. No rhythm. That is important for good poetry, at least it is for me. Here's a good exercise, think of a subject, and then write a whole piece about that subject without saying or implying that you are writing on this subject. show rather than tell, and your writing will hopefully gain a melody or charisma.
Good job on this,
Poop guy
Poopsie. YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!! I'm glad you somewhat liked it though XD XD XD <3
Hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review your work.
first off, i'm not a fan of gore, but only in horror stories and manga. however, this was very well-written and well-depicted. even the colorful language was a nice touch.
At first, i thought this was talking about french kissing for some reason, but when i read more, i realized this was about tearing out someone's heart. the way it was structure was great and the spacing was perfect. the only problem was it needs more commas and the first letters in each sentence needs to be capitalized.
anyways, that's all i have to say. i hope to read more of your work.
Hey Gravity!
I thought this was and interesting piece and I liked it quite a bit, even though I'm not a fan of gore.
I also found this a little bit confusing as I had no idea what this poem is about. At first I thought it an outcast but then I was stuck between reading between the lines or knowing if the message is right there.
I don't have much to criticise about except the grammar with things like capital letters, fullstops and commas. something to think about next time you do poetry is maybe try and follow a rhyme scheme or the iambic pentameter, because I know they can be very catchy devices.
Hope this helps,
znale1
Hi Gravs, I enjoyed this piece. It was well written and very colorful language was used. However, it was a little confusing at first. I couldn't decipher if you were talking about suicide, words that need to come out but just can't be spoken, or just mere words that keep flowing.
You did a good job on this piece. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
Hey Gravs!
The "It" in the beginning adds intrigue and mystery and we start with that mystery of wanting to know what "it" is that steals the narrator's words, breaths, and clutches at the narrator's heart. The way that the first stanza is written, the subject of the piece suggests only to an as of-yet-unnamed "it".
And we hold that kind of curiosity up until the last stanza where it appears as though we may have an answer with the lines "these words dripping [...] forcing themselves from me" as though the "It" the narrator is suggesting to all along has been the words themselves which is a bit anticlimactic for me.
The second stanza really mirrors the first stanza and I suppose dramatizes what we already know from the first, adding in more specification to the imagery giving us more of an experience such as the suffocation, but it doesn't really say anything new right? It is like if I were saying "I'm going to make myself a cup of tea" in one stanza, and in stanza two, I describe by showing it in more detail such as "hand grips cold porcelain, a shiver down the spine and the aroma of lavender and mint fill a room", I'd say you can safely choose to keep stanza one or stanza two, but the two of them together has a danger of seeming superfluous.
There are a lot of unanswered questions at the end. Is this an introverted narrator and the poem a metaphoric description of the experience of the act of speaking, akin to a traumatic experience? Is this a narrator who feels suffocated/drowned with their own emotions? Is it harsh words that grip their hearts? That line of the cord tightening reminds me a lot of that kind of pain. Though it could also be depression, or stage-fright--the line about being reinvented, reborn, renewed and words forcing themselves "from" is leading me to that idea, or pain itself? I suppose it could be a myriad of all those experiences, and while ambiguity did its job in making me wonder - the lack of specificity as to the subject has that double-edge sword of making me not care or connect emotionally.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Thank you so much for the review! I purposefully kept my meaning unclear and tried to focus more on what I was feeling, rather than why I was feeling it. I didn't want my audience to sympathize with my situation, I wanted them to empathize with how it made me feel.
You got really close to the meaning of this poem, actually. I feel suffocated for several different reasons. A broken heart, the transition from high school to college, depression, this crippling sense that I'm not good enough. All of these are things I was trying to reflect and get out. The last few lines I think were the most relevant, from "I am reinvented" until "beating". I've been working on myself, trying to make myself more positive, trying to get healthy. In all reality, I feel like all I'm doing is locking up the angry, sad, desperate, part of me that grieves for a time when I was truly happy. I sometimes feel my new self is the real me, and sometimes I feel like I'm just silencing the part of me that screams for help.
So yeah. Not sure why I just explained all of this to you but it was kinda cathartic. You seemed to enjoy this poem, and I'm glad you did. Thank you for the helpful review
Nice, I liked this. I wasn't sure what you were talking about though. It is really well written but your meaning isn't clear. The language you used was colorful and descriptive and it was used in the right place. I enjoyed this writing and hope to read much more. You are very talented, just make it a bit clearer. Good piece though.