Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Teen Fiction

E - Everyone

Him

by Gravity


His warm brown eyes,
His shy smile.
The way he holds
My hand in his.

As he presses his lips
Against my cheek,
I know he's mine
And I am his.

He laughs at every
Corny joke.
He thinks I'm beautiful,
Although I don't.

He loves me,
the way I am.
And I love Him,
Because he's Him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
363 Reviews


Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:22 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi defyingravity01,here is Dark to give review on your poem!

Your poem is simple but very enthralling. The way you give expressions are very interesting and pleasing.The theme is maybe simple but the messages is good and nice to digest through my mind.

#"His warm brown eyes,
His shy smile.
The way he holds
My hand in his.'-->However, the rhythm of the poem in the first stanza seems less interesting and odd.

Anyway,This is my favorite stanza;

#As he presses his lips
Against my cheek,
I know he's mine
And I am his.-->So nice and cute^^

The rest is good.But I know you can do more than this.Try use some words that poetic and maybe you should use some metaphor and simile in your poem.I like your poem,keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 1392
Reviews: 14

Donate
Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:35 pm
emilyleigh wrote a review...



This is a cute poem! I hate being the critical one, but here's what I think could be improved about it...
It's sweet and cute, but the emotion falls flat to me...the line "He thinks I'm beautiful,/Although I don't" just reads as cliche to me. It's something used so often that it barely sparks any emotion to me. Many people have had this feeling, including myself, and it means a lot when thought privately, but in a poem it's simple and cliche, which makes the emotion hard to come across.

I would like to know instead, does he actually make you feel beautiful, and how? If not, what does he feel is beautiful about you? How does that make you feel? I want to hear about your unique love story, not something that can describe multiple relationships.

I would like to know, how is the way he holds your hand special? How does it make you feel, emotionally, physically? Of course holding hands with a significant other is special, but I want to know more so I can actually feel it when I'm reading the poem.

Overall, I think it's a sweet poem and I feel that if you dug deeper and truly let your emotions free, this could improve lots, and there's always room for improvement, for everyone.






The thing is, I wrote this poem so that everyone COULD relate to it with their special someone, or in this case, boyfriend. My emotions for this person are...simple. Nothing complex. They are strong, yes. But not extremely complicated which is one of the things I love most about him. I'm sorry it wasn't your kind of poem :/



emilyleigh says...


Even simple things can be conveyed with depth of emotion...not saying the words have to be complex, as I prefer simple words and such. Don't apologize as there's nothing to apologize for and keep in mind the very best writers in the world will always have things to improve in their writing--and will welcome critique over positive praise so they can improve. I had a wonderful professor with many published works who gave us the advice to listen and consider before trying to defend yourself, because if one always does, they never get any better. Best of luck.



User avatar
70 Reviews


Points: 1665
Reviews: 70

Donate
Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:06 pm
LittleCaroleen wrote a review...



A very cute and happy love poem.

The rhythm of the poem seems a little off. Sometimes there's rhyme and sometime's there's not. It's very distracting when reading. It bothers me that the first stanza isn't really a sentence at all, and the rest of them are. '

I like the shortness of each line. It's a short poem, but the pauses slow it down and give it a softer, more gentle touch.

I hope you found this useful! I really did like it. 4/5 stars. :)






I know the rhythm is a little off, the first stanza is a sentence. It has a subject and a predicate. I get that it trails off but it is a sentence. Thank you for your input :)



User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 747
Reviews: 103

Donate
Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:52 am
anshira wrote a review...



Hello, hope you find my review informative. I really don't have much time today so excuse me if I miss something out or the review is too short. A really wonderful poem. I love this poem in every aspect. I had a hard time figuring out your mistakes and as others have said you could improve with your rythm but other that this is lovely. A wonderful genre you have chosen here. Hope to read more of your poems.
-Anshira
P.S. Your ending was brilliant.






Awww. Well thank you! :)



User avatar
110 Reviews


Points: 6441
Reviews: 110

Donate
Thu Sep 26, 2013 8:44 pm
Gardevite wrote a review...



Hey Gravity! Hightop here, warming up my reviewing skills for Review Day. :) Let's get to it!

First thing that irked me during my reading was stanza four. I felt that after the emotion displayed in stanza three, paragraph four brought us right around to the description of him, primarily showed in the opening stanzas. I would suggest switching the stanzas. This would also give you a more natural transition into stanza five.

Now onto the more nit-picky of things. ;)

His warm brown eyes,
His shy smile.


I think that if you ended the first sentence with a period, it would flow a bit better. It would also slow the reader, allowing them to absorb what you're saying.

The way he holds
My hand in his.


I think this may flow better as "The way he holds his hand in mine." In natural speech patterns, this seems to flow better.

I know he's mine
And I am his.


With regards to natural speech patterns, again, I feel this may flow better as "I know I am His, and He is mine."

He loves me,
the way I am


This may work better without that comma.

Because he's
Him.


This may flow better as one line. The way you have it written, it looks like you pause, and take a moment to think about why. If they were on the same line it would seem more natural. Like "I don't know why, it's just him." I feel this may be better because of how you describe you two together.

Overall
I liked your poem. Love poems will never go out of style! I think a few structural parts could be improved, but other than that, this is a very good poem!






I definitely see your point. I can do a little to change it, but I don't want to mess with it too terribly much. Thanks for your review, I REALLY appreciate it :)



Gardevite says...


Completely understand! Have a nice day! :)



User avatar
413 Reviews


Points: 11009
Reviews: 413

Donate
Thu Sep 26, 2013 8:32 pm
Cailey wrote a review...



So cute! I love this, it is so sweet and romantic and corny. ;)

I think what you have here is really good already, but I'll try and give you a good and decent review with ways that you can make this even better, or ideas to put into practice in the next poem you write.

The rhythm of this piece wasn't very consistent. There were a lot of lines that didn't quite flow right, so I had to reread the lines and mentally mold them a certain way so that they would continue to flow like the rest of the poem. One example of this is the last stanza:

"How loves me,
the way I am."

This line break seems a little bit abrupt, and messes with the rhythm a bit. See if you can reword this so that it fits more easily.

Another stanza might be kind of nice, just to give us more and give us a better clearer picture of him. I always like more detail, and while I don't think you left places to add detail the way it is, I think you could fit in another stanza with more reasons why he is so great.

Finally, I like that you don't give him a name, since it allows any girl to put her own guy in his place. I also love that when you mentioned the kiss it was a kiss on the cheek, because I just think that is so adorable. :D

So, basically, this is really sweet and simple, but it doesn't flow all that well in some parts, and I think you could make it a little longer if you want. All in all, nice job. Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and keep writing!






Thank you so much. I knew the rhythm was a little bit off. But I honestly am just too lazy to change it :p
Thanks for telling me it was corny. I laughed at that. I guess it was meant to be corny. If you have a special someone, I hope it reminds you of them :) Thank you for your wonderful review :)



Cailey says...


I know the feeling. but I guess something to work on in future poems. :D

No worries, I'm glad you took it as a compliment. :)
And... no special someone, unless you count characters in books. ;)



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 276
Reviews: 20

Donate
Thu Sep 26, 2013 8:13 pm
starlinks wrote a review...



I love this poem! It's very relatable with the way that you are using only pronouns to address each individual characters in the poem. It also flows really nicely, although there isn't any rhyme scheme or whatever. Maybe you can consider making it a bit longer for the arc?

I really like it though, it made me smile. :)






Thank you. And not every poem rhymes. :)




Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein