They say life is like a box of chocolates
you never know what you're gonna get.
I say life is a therapy session
full of nothing but pain and regret.
There was once a time I believed.
I believed in all the cliches.
Then I realized that life
is nothing but cruel child's play.
Like most people, I had a passion,
I thought I could rise above.
Like most people, I had a dream,
A pure dream, much like a dove.
But my dream flew far away,
Though I never set it free.
I looked up and down, all around.
Yet it's forever lost to me.
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Timmy here
Huh, I never noticed that you had posted this work... and it was in spotlight and everything. You can always trust that I will completely miss over stuff, because I am just scatterbrained and never check stuff, anyway. >.< Maybe I should. Then I wouldn't miss your beautiful poems like this one. ^.^
This seemed to me to have a bit of redundancy in it, and didn't flow as well as the rest of the first stanza lines. I really love what you're saying with the believing in the clichés - perfect. I just love it. But the repetition of I believed veered off towards the redundant for me, and broke the flow. It was like the skip of a cd, repeating the same thing twice without the message becoming stronger by it. I think you can word it differently to avoid saying that twice. While I consider it redundant, I love the I believed in all the clichés. Like I said before, it's perfect.
^^ Reminded me of a song by Josh Groban, Below the Line. hee-hee Beauuutiful.
Now that is what I call wonderful repetition. It seems intentional, and it makes the piece more powerful and adds a better flow to those lines. Like most people also makes it seem as though you are not alone in this idea, this jail you speak of - which is awesome, because it brings the reader in closer to your poem, and your situation.
Like the other reviewers, I found this line awkward. And to me, the reason for the jerk in the flow and wording is the much like, which to me was not only rough but also weak in comparison to everything else you have written here. Tweak this line if you ever edit and see what you can do. I know you can do better. ^.^
*facepalm*
Josh Groban song reference again. I really liked this line, and even though the second part should have been disjointed because it is just stuck on the end there... it didn't. The line had a wonderful flow, and a beautiful message.This line seemed a bit awkward and while the message you sent was strong, I think the wordage could be brought up to the same level. The words were somewhat weak in places. I liked the forever lost part, but the words tacked onto the beginning and end seemed a little weak to me, and only strong because they hung onto the middle. I think you could tweak it around and strengthen it by implementing different words. Yet seemed a bit awkward when I read it, as well.
I thought this was a beautiful poem, Rose, and very lyrical in many ways. When I read it, there was a melody inside my head singing away. And you say you can't write songs. >.< This was amazing - way better than anything I have ever showed you of mine. All you need now is a chorus, and I think this would be an absolutely beautiful song. I really love the message, because it's so unique and speaks out to anyone who reads it. And it speaks out to you, which is even better. The rhymes flowed, and the wording was strong. I just... GAH. This was amazing.
Put it to song, girl. Put it to song.
~Darth Timmyjake
I can imagine your frustration at losing a whole dove.
I didn't read the other reviews because I wanted to bark on my own about your forced rhyme in stanza three. There are some forced rhymes that make me scoff, and others that make me want to quit reading on the spot. This particular rhyme made me quit. This is, in fact, my third time visiting this piece. If you can't think of anything pure other than a dove, find another adjective and explore it. Furthermore, your lead-in rhyme doesn't particularly make sense in context. You thought you could rise about your passion? You thought your passion could rise above? Why do you want this line in the first place? Please reconsider this.
To further the muddle, your final stanza is about how you've lost your dream, but the comparison to a dove comes back to mind, and it's just like you're looking all around your house for this stupid dove that's gone missing. You see my dilemma. Stanza one is alright, though this could be because the first lines are borrowed. There's a clear contrast in the amount of comfort you had working with the borrowed lines compared to ones you had to write on your own, and I think this is a shame. Upon revision, spend some time with your words and try to become comfortable with them on your own. I'm sure you can produce something much better than this.
Lumi
I appreciate all your comments and I see where you're coming from. Being me, I understand why I included all the lines. I promise it wasn't supposed to be forced. I went through a big ordeal a year ago and have been in therapy ever since, which to me makes me feel like life has lost its spontaneity and joy.
When I said that like most I had a passion and thought I could rise above, the intended meaning was that I would live my dream of rising above, of being special. And then this ordeal happened which limited me. The dove flew away. This dove is a mix of my faith (I'm Lutheran and the dove is a big symbol which is why I chose it) and also the joy I found in life prior to my ordeal. And although I keep searching for this dove, for my faith and God and my faith in myself, I can't seem to find it.
So, thank you much for your critique, it is much appreciated. I think I might do a re write of this poem, one that might make sense to the average reader. So thanks again
This is a really beautiful poem. I like how you started with with a reference to a well-known movie, and then went on to less hopeful verses. This is a very identifiable piece of work and you wrote this very well.
That's adulthood.
Hey! ajruby12 here.
I'm not going to try to do a review on this. It just seems... so perfect! It's really beautiful and very relatable. (But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you all this.)
Umm.. Yeah, that's all. Keep on writing!
-ajruby (aka The Silver Lady)
This is a beautiful poem, and you did a great job of describing life. I only have one little nitpick.
"Like most people, I had a dream,
A pure dream, like a dove."
I like how you used dove in this part. Very appropriate. (This sort of reminds me of the movie Tangled....) But I do think that if you could find a different word for dream in that line, though either would be nice. You did a great job on this poem!! Keep writing!
-SnazzyPencil
I really love this poem. It has a real vulnerable feel to it and I can feel every word that forms this poem, I don't know how else to describe it. I like the rhyming pattern and it flows really smoothly.
I particularly like the lines: "Like most people, I had a passion,
I thought I could rise above." and "But my dream flew far away,
Though I never set it free." Beautifully worded.
Thank you for sharing it
Lovely poem. Life is like a sea the waves keep raising but they to have to subside at a point.
Your poem does have lot of meaning, there are only few people you can trust not all who
smile at you are your friends.
"I say life is a therapy session
full of nothing but pain and regret."
"There was once a time I believed.
I believed in all the cliches.
Then I realized that life
is nothing but cruel child's play." ( best line you ever thought of!)
Like most people, I had a passion,
I thought I could rise above.
Like most people, I had a dream,
A pure dream, like a dove.
But my dream flew far away,
Though I never set it free.
I looked up and down, all around.
Yet it's forever lost to me."
You can't say it is lost, but if you are really determined you can catch it in any part of life. Overall one of the best poems i have read, well written i greatly appreciate your talent, please do continue writing!