Young Writers Society

Hey there Bitter here for a review! Let's get down to business!

Now this poem is pretty long, and I tend to do long reviews. So, please keep in mind that while I'm going to be dissecting most of your poem line by line, please don't take personal offense at any of this. I liked the poem overall, but it had some core flaws. Also remember, everything said here is just my personal opinion.
SO overall, I liked this poem. It was unique and really quite undefinable, which is quite an unusual factor when it comes to poetry, so congrats on that. However, I do have some issues with it and I feel they should be addressed:
"You know what they say.
Curiosity kills the cat.
Or was it you?"
This feels too blunt to me. Maybe smooth it out a bit; perhaps SUGGEST he is the one who killed the cat. It seems to early in the poem to identify the subject. You want to keep readers interested, so keep at least a little bit of mystery in the plot. Just my opinion. I would suggest changing it to:
"It is said
That curiosity always kills the cat
But maybe it was you"
However, this is a personal style choice, and it is acceptable the way it was originally written. Again, just an opinion.

"To love a killer,
I wish I didn't
When I was with you,
I forgot
Your killer ways.
You hid so well.
But yet I can never
Get over you. "
I can only identify two flaws in this stanza. 1) Having "to love a killer" and "your killer ways" in the same stanza is just too repetitive. Repetition is a generally good unifying factor, and in this poem the repeating of the word "killer' in many of the stanzas is definitely a good technical tool. However, having the exact same word only four lines apart, and using them to convey the same meaning, is not. I would suggest changing the second "killer" to "murderous" or "dangerous" or some other synonym.
2) "But yet I can never
Get over you"
First these two lines should be combined into one line. Also, there should be a comma after "But yet," and "can" should be "could" for tense continuity, so it becomes: "But yet, I could never get over you."

"You still hide,
And will evermore.
But that cat will be
Nevermore.
You are a killer,
The cat is dead.
Did you kill it?
Could it have been me?
Or could it have been,
The curiosity?"
I absolutely love this stanza! No nitpicks. I especially love the contrast of "evermore" and "nevermore."

"You know the saying:
Curiosity killed the cat.
But I suspect,
Not curiosity,
But your piercing
And killing
Knife."
To create a better flow, I would change the first line to "It is said" or "You know it is said that", or even "You know that they say". Also, I would delete the 6th line altogether so it becomes:
"You know it is said that
Curiosity killed the cat.
But I suspect,
Not curiosity,
But your piercing
Knife."

"But what is human?
The cat could be
More human than us.
Will I become the cat?"
OK, you lost me here. Up to this point, you implied that the narrator was the cat. Now you are becoming the cat? Way too vague, please clear this up.

"The curiosity for who
You are."
I just don't like this line. Seems to cheapen the stanza. Interrupts the flow. Just my opinion.

"Whether it's you,
Or curiosity,
Soon enough
I will take my leave.
Everything dies.
It's the circle of life.
But my love, Mr. killer
Please do me a favor.
Tell them how I died.
---
Promise me when
I take my leave,
You'll tell her.
Tell mother I love her.
Because I am the cat,
Or I soon will be.
So give her my love,
When I have to leave.
Because death
Will surely take me.
Love these stanzas as well. I think "Tell them how I died" is my favorite line in the entire poem.

"To love a killer,
It's not so bad.
Don't cry mother,
Don't be sad.
Better to love
And to have lost my life
Then to never have loved
At all."
This stanza is good, and it gets the message across, but it's not great. "Don't cry mother, Don't be sad" just seems to cold and blatant. Maybe try a similar word to sad, such as depressed, grieve, or burdened.

"Be strong Mother,
For me and the cat,
Because soon enough,
I'll be back.
Okay, lost again. SO now you and the cat are two separate entities? Confused here. To make it worse, you say "I'll be back" not "we'll be back", which switches the reader back to the theory that you and the cat are the same entity. It's self-contradictory.

"Be strong mother,
I paid the price.
I loved a killer.
So I died. "
This is good, except the last line. "So I died" is just too abrupt an ending for this beautiful poem. Maybe try "I loved a killer, and that's how I died," perhaps. This as well is just a personal opinion.

Overall i thought you had some really good bones to this poem, but it could use a little dressing up. Unique message, solid ideas. Overall, I give it a three out of five. Good work and keep writing!!
~BitterRosemary

This was just absolutely, fantastically inspiring.
I loved it. <3

What an amazing poem! Being a poem reader/writer, I have to say, this was one of the best and most unique poems I've read in my life! You are a natural at this so don't stop now. One more thing, you just earned yourself a follower.

Hi,


As soon as I read your poem, I felt a wave of disturbance bloom in my chest. This isn't bad, of course. It is absolutely necessary for a successful piece to have such an effect on its audience, despite its categorisation.

Something about the way you manipulate your words pulled me in. I do not know how to describe how impressed I am with your ability to choose certain words and place them in the right order. This is also good. Necessary, even.

This part fascinated me,

"To love a killer,
I defy
The laws of nature
And I lie,
When I tell you you're human.
But what is human?
The cat could be
More human than us."

as it is powerful, well established and very touching in some sense. It is as though you are suggesting that perhaps we gave humanity the wrong definition. It's quite outstanding.

However, this part,

"Will I become the cat?
Will curiosity kill me?
The curiosity for who
You are."

I found unfitting. It asks the wrong questions in the wrong time.


The poem as a whole is breathtaking. It's agonisingly beautiful, if I may. We need more writers like you in this masochistic world of ours.


Well done.




Anon

Oh my god I loved this so much, it was very powerful, I loved everything about it, this is amazing I say very good work, and keep going

I totally loved this! *chills*.

First, your beginning was very engaging. You put the right amount of mystery for the readers to want to read more. Also, I like how you incorporate the whole "curiosity killed the cat" metaphor. I have heard this saying a lot, but I never would have applied it to something like this.

Second, after reading the other comments, I can see that you already edited this, so kudos to you! I think you made just the right changes.

Third, my favorite stanza would have to be the very last one. I actually like how the words are so simple and straightforward. Your not trying too hard to be overly descriptive or dramatic or anything like that.

With that being said, awesome job! I can tell you put a lot of effort into this piece.

Oh wow...this is one that deserves to be in the Spotlight.

This poetry was powerful. Just beautiful-- I...what is there to say about it? I'm really just speechless. Right now my heart is pounding because that's just what you've done in your poem-- you bring the anticipation and excitement with each word, each line, each stanza! I know you've done a mass edit, and I should point out that it has helped with the impact of your poem.

Hmm, I'm loving the cat simile in here. It's beautiful, and quite honestly, sounds like a pretty hard thing to pull off, so the way you've perfectly carried it out in this poem is breath-taking.

Alas, I loved the ending. It's sad, how one is unable to choose who to fall in love with. It reminded me of one movie (the title, I have forgotten) about a young woman falling in love with an international criminal. The hopelessness of caring for such a creature-- psychopathic, cruel, ruthless...

Anyway, this was magnificent. Loved it. It was a marvellous read, so thank you!

~Brunnera

Wow! This is awesome! I love the idea. The girl couldn't help but love a killer, and she paid the price for loving him. It gives you a glimpse into what this guy is really doing, and how ruthless he is.
I also think it's really interesting how you split everything up with spaces. To me, it seems kind of choppy, like someone's dying words.
Also, I like the part that mentions, "I swear on my grave". Usually, the phrase is "I swear on my mother's grave" but this time, the girl is swearing on her OWN grave TO her mother. It's kind of cool.

P.S.: Huh. My username... O.O Should I be scared?
~Cat

This was certainly an interesting poem. I loved the way you integrated the old saying "curiosity kills the cat" into the message/theme left here. The last three stanzas, with a small message left to mother was a bit random, but not an unwelcome touch.

I think it would have had better flow if a few more rhymes were thrown in there. Rhymes and poems go hand in hand, though I know that the best writers have also managed perfectly well without the repetition of end sounds.

It was certainly original and well written. I would advise maybe shortening it down a bit here? It became tedious to read after awhile, with the same point brought to bear over and over again. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this!

hi. your title caught my attention so i decided to read. starting from the first line,
"You're heart is cold," its supposed to be "Your heart is cold".

Secondly, you were all over the place. i mean, are we talking about the killer or a cat or your love or who will tell your mother when you die. or when the cat died.
Furthermore, i'm not sure why curiosity was mentioned more than once. the truth is i just couldn't focus on one thing.

But, i like the whole idea behind the story you are trying to tell. I Can imagine the emotion behind it. but without the right words, you cannot portray the exact emotions you may wish to share.

keep writing !! you are on to something awesome

I honestly REALLY liked this! I actually didn't think it was that rough. Not perfect, but still great. I loved the idea

This poem is very... rough. It's not very cohesive and it's very out there. It seems like you were just kind of meshing a bunch of things that you thought sounded good and putting it together. I mean, I liked the idea of the story behind the words, I just don't think it was well written, so it didn't do justice to your idea.

For example, you really have to think of what you want to say, and say it. Don't try to put in too much stuff and fluff that just sounds cool and you hope sounds deep or thought provoking.

Let me go stanza by stanza and see if I can help you make sense of some of this and maybe streamline it a bit more.

"I can feel my dreams,
You did too.
You understand,
What I do.
Like you can read my mind."

This one is one of the better stanzas. However the "I can feel my dreams, you did too" is kind of strange, though that might be because you've switched from present tense to past tense in the first and second line. Also, it makes sense that you feel your own dreams, but not that someone else can feel them too. Perhaps instead of using the word feel, you use some other sense involving the perception of dreams. ...I saw my dreams, I believed in my dreams... are two examples of some other options that might work better than feel.

"You're heart is cold,
Where it was warm.
When you're alone
You change your form.
Curiosity killed the cat,
Or was it you?"

I like that you're trying to play with the whole curiosity killed the cat concept and how you're saying no it wasn't curiosity it was you. But what does curiosity have to do with anything at this point? The first part is all about how you had dreams, and they believed in your dreams and you two had this connection, then it says this person changed and is cold when they were once warm. That's all fine, but then you say that curiosity killed the cat. What are you curious about? Why did you bring that up out of no where? It doesn't make sense, it doesn't flow. Sure you connect the murder and the cat concept throughout, but it seems like you could have taken two separate ideas, (i.e. one of love and loss, and then one regarding a different take on the Curiosity Killed the Cat, saying) and made them into two strong pieces, but instead tried to mesh them into one. Find a way to work in what you have to be curious about, into the poem if you're going to stick with that idea and the idea of love and loss. Though I don't know how you could do that.

"To love a killer,
But I can't, I won't.
When I was with you,
I forgot
Your killer ways.
You hid so well."

You start your stanza off with To love a killer... which is one idea, that you don't finish. To love a killer is hard, it's tiring, it's what? You just start an idea, and then quickly change it to But I can't I won't. You can't what? Love a killer? You won't what? Love a killer? But you just said you did, and you go on saying you do. Either the two love a killer has to be changed to something like... I love a killer... or you should add a line in there because at the moment it doesn't flow at all. The rest of that stanza, is really good. It sort of connect it to the love and loss aspect you started with, but only if you read into it A LOT and you shouldn't make your readers do that. At this point in time, it seems like the poem is about how you loved someone that you shouldn't have, you know you shouldn't have, but you did anyway and it ended up with you dying. You really work with the killer part. But that doesn't connect with the Love and loss, or the curiosity killed the cat aspect. Now it seems like there are three different potential ideas. Try to really go back and connect something together. If you really like the Curiosity killed the cat saying, try to work that in better. And once again elaborate on what there is to be curious about.

"You still hide,
And forevermore.
But that cat will be
Nevermore.
Was it curiosity,
Or was it you?"

Nothing in this stanza makes sense. The Evermore, and the Nevermore. It sounds like you saw those worse, liked the way they sounded and wanted to put it into the poem. And once again, you say that curiosity was an aspect in something about this relationship, but once again you don't say what there is to be curious about. Are you curious to see if this person is a killer? Is really a good person or a bad person? What?

"To love a killer,
I defy
The laws of nature
And I lie.
Will I become the cat?
Will curiosity kill me,
Or will it be you?"

Now this stanza starts off really strong. I love the first three lines, but then it goes downhill from there. Stick with the "To love a killer/ I defy/ The laws of nature..." Because that's really really really good. But then you say you lie and are bringing in a whole new element to the poem. What do you lie about? When did you lie? The whole poem has thus far been about you loving someone, them being not who you thought they were and changing, but them hiding it well. When did you lie? It seems like they lied. So that doesn't make sense and seems like you put it in there because it rhymed. It sounds forced. Then from there you go once again into the curiosity killed the cat aspect. I love how you managed to keep it going throughout the poem, but my objection to it still remains the same, what are you to be curious about? What does curiosity have to do with anything? Elaborate.

"To love a killer,
It's not so bad.
Don't cry mother,
Don't be sad.
Better to love
and then to have lost,
Then to never have loved
At all."

Ok. So your speak has now given into the attraction to the killer and is staying with him now? When did this happen? To this point you were putting it down, saying how he tricked you, and now you're saying that you're allowing yourself to be tricked again. It's a completely random twist. Which wouldn't be so bad if you built up to the change of heart throughout the poem. But what then makes this stanza nosedive, is you bring in the speaker's mother! WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!!! When did she come into the story? What does she have to do with anything? Why is she there? Why is she crying, why is she sad? Then your last lines make it sound like the mother was the one that loved someone and lost someone, not the speaker. So if you're sticking with the mother thing, reword it or organize it somehow so that it doesn't seem like the mother is crying because they just were dumped or their partner died. I looks, once again like you put sad in there simply to rhyme with bad. If you're putting in lines to get your poem to rhyme, something's wrong. Either ditch the rhyming, or go on a site that'll give you near rhymes, rhymes, and similar sounding words so that you can pick a word that sounds good with the story you want to tell, not a word that simply rhymes. Rhyming in your head, does nothing. I can give you a site that'll help with this, if you want it. Just message me.

"Be strong Mother,
For me and the cat,
Because soon enough,
I'll be back.
You'll see me one day.
In your dreams."

Ok so... what the heck is happening now and when did this start? I understand later that the mother has to be strong because the speaker ends up dying and being killed by the guy, but at this point, it doesn't make sense. THERE'S THE CAT AGAIN! What the heck is it doing there? Why is it there? Since when are you and the cat two separate entities? Because in the 5th stanza you asked if you're going to become the cat, which means that it's a figurative cat, or an inner persona that you the speaker can take on. Now you're saying that it's a completely different being. And while it connects the whole curiosity killed the cat theme, that theme doesn't go well with the story that you've actually written. At this point, with only one more stanza to go, I'd say curiosity killing the cat, is not something that should be incorporated in this poem because nothing that has been said thus far, and in the end, relates to curiosity at all, or cats, or the saying. After that, you say you'll be back. But where are you going? Since when were you leaving? And if you die, there's no way you'll be back. You can see them again, when they die, but you can't come back. So I like that you say this person will die and the mother will see them in their dreams, but I don't like how you spring on the fact that there's a mother now mourning, and that this person is gone all of a sudden. You really have to work on explaining some things out, adding details and stuff. Maybe if you made the lines longer, and maybe made the stanzas longer, and added in more stanzas, you'd be able to fully develop this idea, but at the moment it all sounds choppy.

"Be strong mother,
I paid the price.
I loved a killer.
So I died."

Finally, the ending. It was a good ending to the poem. I liked the ending. Accept the last line. It's kind of blunt. Like "Yea so I died... oh well... sucks for me" type ending. I think it would be much stronger if you tried switching the second and third line more. "Be strong mother/I loved a killer/ And now I've paid the price" Something like that, and you can end it just like that. But also, I'm a little iffy on the be strong mother part. You've repeated yourself. Maybe if it's instead like a message ending it saying it's my own fault, I don't blame him I don't blame you, I don't blame anyone, it was my own fault for loving this killer. Or something like I don't regret loving him because it's better to love and know love, instead of never having it. Something.

Ok... so that's it... I really hope you don't think I'm being mean, I don't mean to be. And I'm not trying to say that it sucks or that you should stop writing. You have brilliant ideas, you just have to work on presenting it. That's all. Let me some up the points for you, and then I'll leave you in peace.

1. Plan out what you want to say, and say it.
2. Don't add too many ideas into one poetry
3. Don't rhyme just to rhyme
4. Don't add things because they sound cool or thought provoking
5. Explain things, use details, and ease your readers into transitions and new characters and ideas, don't spring it all on at once
6. Maybe make the lines longer, the stanzas longer, and more stanzas if you have to to fully get your clear point across (Sometimes it's helpful to start off writing long ass page long poems, and then condense from there. And then maybe you can go back to long poems with short lines.)
7. Keep writing, keep practicing, you'll get there. You already have the key things; an imagination and ideas. Now just work on explaining them well.

You're a great writer, you've a brilliant and creative mind! Keep writing! I'm sorry if I sounded mean... ^.^

~Nightlyowl

I love this it's rough yes but I like the personal touch when you start addressing the mother. It feels as if this is a confession on a note as yoou have been found dead and this one chance for you to explain

Wow. That was really well done. I thought the one line "curiosity killed the cat" a little cliche though. Despite that, I loved the comparison between the cat and the killer. I hadn't really connected the dots at first while I read it but as I reread and thought it over again, I came to terms with the fact that the comparison is really fitting. I also loved the ending. It provided a little bit of sorrow, a little suspense, and was just really fitting. I don't know how else to describe it. The rhythm seemed a little off in some places but whatever. It didn't make me love it any less. Great job! I look forward to reading more of your work!