Can You Not?

Hi! =) Your piece overall has a good flow and I can definitely see that you're comfortable with expressing and conveying through words. However, one suggestion that comes in mind when I read this is character development. The topic,theme, and content of the poem is really relatable and susceptible to popularity on this platform, one so tailored to teens, but the character development and your word choices can use more improvement. I would suggest reading more contemporary poetry. One of my favorite authors is Margaret Atwood. She does a lot of social dark emo commentary too. I think you'll find her inspiring.

Hello defyingravity01,

You have a great piece here. One thing is certain which is your knowledge of writing rhythmically. Your rhyme scheme doesn't seem forced, which is refreshing, and your word choice is simple yet powerful. Have you ever looked into spoken word poetry? It's a great genre and can be one of the best modern ways to get into writing professionally - do a quick youtube search and see if it appeals to you.

With regards to the poem's content, I did have a few nitpicks. For example, the line, "Seriously, Can You Not?" is odd due to your choice to capitalise each word, but, more importantly, seems to stand out like a sore thumb to the rest of your poem. It needs more wack to it, more power. Instead of posing it as a rhetoric, why not simply have the line: "Can you not!" - the exclamation is emphatic and suits the tone of your poem more appropriately, which is one, to me, of frustration.

I also found the last two lines of your poem dodgy. Read it as one:

"I've stood up to you and now, I have friends, at least for today."

I LOVE this poem!
Great flow and the theme of the poem is something I can completely relate to!
And once I read the title, I KNEW it was going to be good.

Keep writing, this is great!

I loved the title when I saw this in the listing.
And the work is great too.
‘You people walk so slowly,
When you're going down the hall.
And your friends block my way
When I have none at all.’ – This was my entire school life. Ha ha. SO relatable and actually really funny.  Great start.
‘You copy off my homework,
Without even saying hi.
And after you finish copying,
You forget to say goodbye.’ – Now the narrative really starts to take direction. And it is actually rather sad. :/ Again, though I know these sorts of people and they really pee me off. So you are hitting the nail on the head.
‘You tell me I'm a braniac,
And that I'm too uptight.
But then you call me an idiot,
When you feel the time is right.’ Bullying? That is the impression I get. Either that, or really pooey friends. Experiencing those sorts of people would obviously allow you to write so accurately about this. Which gives you some sort of positive I guess.
‘Seriously, Can You Not?
I've been nothing but kind to you,
The way you treat me gets worse,
I'm not sure what to do.’ – I KNOW THESE FEELS. Which is why I < 3 this work, because it is so honest and true. –hugs-
‘I won't stand for it any longer,
You can't treat me this way.
I've stood up to you and now,
I have friends, at least for today.’ D’aww, this has a very bittersweet ending, but I think it is better this way because it is more realistic. I really feel for the protagonist here.
I really enjoyed this work.
Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar and to my mind: perfect content.
Beautiful job well done.

I love this. Great job, it was fantastic!

The poem flows well and they took me right into the poem. I don't really have anyone so antagonized towards me as this poem's narrator (because I get angry real fast) but I also studied in an all girls school/college. However I often find it hard to make friends.

The first four stanzas are especially slick, however, the last line of the fourth stanza;

" I'm not sure what to do."

Seems to contradict with the final stanza:

I won't stand for it any longer,
You can't treat me this way.
I've stood up to you and now,
I have friends, at least for today.

I suppose that it could be that the two stanzas depict two different time stages that the character went through.
The line; I'm not sure what to do; depicting a state of utter hopelessness and loneliness that most people go through when the problem seems too big and it seems that their is no way out.
While the final stanza, happening after a time lapse, during which the character has grown from being a helpless person to one having friends and having grown a little back bone.

At first, it seemed like a simple poem but it stuck to me how those lines contradicted and this is the conclusion my brain drew. There can be a lot of tangents. I was going to suggest you to maybe write an extra stanza after the fourth one to show the lapse of time, but i think this way it adds more depth.
I would like to know what you meant to show by creating that contradiction and also what you believed was going through the writer's mind. I don't see anything I can help you improve but this is my honest opinion.

Finally, I would personally advise the character to be proud of herself and not let other peoples bad manners affect her. Off course no one should take crap from someone who means no good.

Hello, defyingravity01.

Kanome here with a wonderful review.
Well, I can relate to this because I am one of the kindest people out there who helped others, but they never appreciate it, which hurts me and gets me angry. That's one of the reasons I liked this poem because it connects to me personally.

I also liked the rhyme scheme in the poem, it gives out the flow of it.
My favorite lines were:

"Seriously, Can You Not?
I've been nothing but kind to you,
The way you treat me gets worse,
I'm not sure what to do."

Because that's how I truly feel. I don't like being mean to the person because I am afraid what would happen. But. But there are limits to kindness, and you have proved that in this wonderful poem of yours.

Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more C:

-K

I really like this!
It has a great beat to it, and I think most of us can relate to it in some degree. You've done a great job of getting across that 'outsider' feeling, and the unfairness of it - how this person/the narrator is just being used and then tossed aside.

I'm wondering about the last line - whether the narrator actually means that they have 'friends' (not 'real' friends, I don't think!), or whether it was just standing up to this injust treatment which made them feel better?
That was the only thing that sounded a little odd to me - and I sort of know what you mean, but I just wonder if it needs to be a bit clearer? Maybe I'm overthinking it ...

Anyway, your rhyming is great. And it never feels too heavy or forced, it just helps the poem get its message across well. Good work!

Ahoy defyingravity01 !!

This is a nice poem which flows too well, it's rhythmic as you mentioned in the description.
But what I like the most is the way it has been written, it's very conversational, like something running in my head. It's not beautiful, but I will say it's rather COOL! You know what I mean?

This has a lot of that dude-attitude towards bullies and such classmates who only use us and though they imitate everything we do but will never forget to mock at our style of doing anything. ( I have a lot of such people around me, and believe me, it's exhausting to handle them)

So all in all, I really liked it. It's cool, it's somewhat a RAP like thing. Well I don't know maybe it's just me.
Good job mate, a Hi-five !!

~MarS