That Night
My tears had mourned
While my family had snored,
But I could never sleep.
My mind was racing,
My heart was facing
The things that made me weep.
My music played quietly,
My thoughts screamed wildly.
As I checked my messages
Over and over again.
But if every single sorrow,
Could wait until tomorrow,
I would sleep with peace.
If you changed your mind
I know you would find,
We are much more in synch
Than you would ever think.
So when you say you love me,
Know you're not above me,
Because your heart is black
So don't ask for me back
My heart was stolen,
It was Beaten and broken.
Not now, not ever again
Will I ever let you in.
So you can say goodbye,
Listen as I sob and cry.
I will ponder and think
As I slowly drift off to sleep.
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This poem is great. The rhyme scheme is well set up and so is the structure. It flows very smoothly and has a lot of emotion to it. But I feel like you could do better with the title. "That Night" isn't bad, but do the feelings portrayed in the poem only extend for one night? Titles for poems are the main thing in captivating a reader. Calling your poem "That Night" leaves a very broad interpretation...just remember that specific is better in most cases. Just a suggestion, you could call it, "Sleepless Night", not that it's a whole lot better, but it helps to narrow it down. You know by the title that the character is facing a problem that he/she cannot get of his/her mind. Even then, there are so many interesting phrases and thoughts demonstrated here that that "Sleepless Night" doesn't even begin to convey the depth of the characters feelings.
Other than that, keep up the good work! This poem was great and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you so much
I really enjoyed this poem! It brought up many emotions. The last stanza (is that what you call it?) was probably my favorite. The lines 'Not now, not ever again will I ever let you in' seemed to be the most poetic to me.
I didn't seen any spelling or grammar, so A+ on that! I did notice, however, that you capitalized 'Beaten' in 'It was Beaten and broken'.
When I read the first stanza, I thought the pattern was AABCCB, and I liked it. But, as the poem continued, you lost that pattern. The second stanza was the most different, with two lines not rhymeing with other in their stanza. The pattern was AABCDDE. In the third stanza, you used AABBCC. You changed it again in the final stanza, useing AABCDDEF. But, B and C looked like they would rhyme, with 'again' and 'in'. However, 'again' dosen't necessarily rythme with 'in', unless you pronounce 'in' as 'en'.
As I said, I really enjoyed this poem! You need to work on the rhyme scheme, though. If you don't like rhyme schemes, you can always use free verse.
With the use of rhyme scheme, I felt like unless you really went and lettered the lines, it wasn't noticeable. And with again and in they are a special kind of rhyme. I forgot the technical term. They rhyme and flow together, but they don't exactly technically rhyme. Did the rhyme scheme really bother you that much? I 'm just asking for future poems. Thanks for the review.