Note: I wrote this on my tablet so I apologize for the formatting. This poem is pretty long but it's fast paced and easy to read. Enjoy!
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She walks along the shoreline
Among the pebbles and the rocks.
Her blue eyes searching brightly,
While birds fly above in flocks
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Her dress drags behind her,
Getting wetter as she goes.
Her corset feeling tighter,
As the waves lap to and fro.
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She casts of her hat
And it quickly drifts away.
Her dress only gets heavier,
The water begging her to stay.
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Her husband watches from the window,
Another woman in his bed.
Echoing things between the three
That should never have been said.
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The woman in the water,
Emily is her name.
She turns her head up towards the sun,
Showing bruises that bring shame.
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John who watches from the window
Turns away for just a bit
To look at the lovelier woman,
I believe her name was Brit.
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John turns back and searches,
His head moving side to side.
But seeing nothing more
Than the hat swept 'way by the tide.
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"Emily!" He yells
For the woman he had wed.
Not noticing Brit who'd disappeared
From his adulterous bed.
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Emily too, had gone away
From the man who'd loved her body.
Who hit and screamed and afterwards
Offered nothing but "I'm sorry."
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If one day you go swimming
And see Emily's bruised face,
Be kind to the forevermore
Lady of the Lake.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Ok. Thanks for making me tear up and get chills in the middle of class!
-Pendr
Hi, Defyingravity01. This is Pinkie here for a review. I like to be your reviewer if you don't mind.
I like the poem. It is very interesting! I love the imagery in this poem. it is very creative and wonderful which it gave me the image of this 'Lady of the Lake'. It is very amazing! Very amazing masterpiece!
However, I got to agree with FatCowsSis. Some of the lines are kind of way off. Also, I see some grammar errors on here. Well, I can't point them out because of FatCowsSis so I will not do it and leave it alone.
Anyway, this is a enjoyable poem. You should make a story from this. It would be better like this one. I hope you write more. Have a nice day.
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Happy review day
Hey! I've wanted to review this poem since I read it so I thought, "Review Day!!!"
I'm not sure if I've reviewed a poem of yours before, so I don't know if you're farmiliar with my layout. Let's go!
I'm going to start with what I thought you could improve on, then move to the amazing stuff
So,
The part I've put in bold was a bit off to me. The rhyme didn't seem to rhyme right and there were a lot of words in one line...
Did you mean off?
There's other individual things that I could go through, but I really don't want to seem mean. However, one major thing that stuck out was you switched between present and past tenses. Although I believe you only slipped into past once, it stood out to me.
Yay! Good stuff!!
Can I say everything? I seriously loved the poem, the imagery, and the idea. Beautiful.
My favorite part would have to be:
Thank you so much! I hope this wasn't a harsh review, but do keep writing! You're amazing!!
-Sis
This is a beautiful poem!! The imagery is amazing, I found that especially with the first couple of lines, you could really envision the lady walking along the lake with her blue eyes and her dress trailing behind her I also loved how you incorporated the theme of domestic violence in it. Its a subject not widely talked about, so congratulations for being brave enough to talk about it! there was just one line ; "I believe her name was Brit." I felt this almost broke the flow of the poem somehow, maybe you could try to come up with an alternitave? Overall, amazing poem, thanks
Sorry, accidentally posted this as a comment :p
I am amazed. this poem is fantastic!
I adore how you were able to tell a story in poem form, and make it rhyme through the entire thing.
It is a sad story, and yet layed out simply for all too understand. i appreciate that. I belive that this would have made a lovely song.
I saw no spelling or grammar errors, so thank you for that....
I also love how you sort of tied up the end with something that the reader could sort of relate to. It really finished the story nicely.
There were some clever ways that you included The rhyming, too. For example, when you introduced their names. Also, introducing the names was a nice touch, too. You didn't have to, but you did, and it made them more as characters.
Thank you for a superb poem!