You say things you don't mean,
Or do you really mean them?
You said you would always be here,
Whenever I needed a friend.
The night I cried, you were there.
You told me to let it in, for only
Five Seconds. Five Short Seconds.
Let the fear, the pain consume me.
For only Five seconds. And then
Push it out. You counted for me.
5..4..3..2..1
I let it in. My fear, my pain.
While you counted I watched
My cursor blink on the white screen.
It worked. I felt at ease. I didn't shake.
But then things changed.
You didn't email me, or text me.
You didn't call me or talk to me.
Not for months. You left me.
When you said you'd always be there.
Then you need me to play
Another one of your games.
During the summer, so warm and bright,
With the taste of the sun on my lips.
And you leave again. For months.
Then, you email me. 7 curious words.
"I'm falling back into death's welcoming arms".
Your secrets are ones well kept.
Your fears never show through
Your expressionless mask.
You never falter. You are not gentle.
Yet you are caring. Who are you?
Do I know this boy in front of me?
The one with the scowl on his face?
The one who loves computers
More than he ever loved people.
When I noticed you.
When all I did was love you.
You keep your secrets, you involve me.
You never tell me what part I play.
Instead you give orders. You demand.
You acknowledge you treat me like dirt.
Then you keep doing it. I told you my secrets.
Though it wasn't really you. It was someone
Who pretended. They pretended.
Ben pretended.
She never gave you a second thought.
He just wants to bring you down.
But I keep loving you. Getting over you,
And hating your secrets. But then...
I just fall in love with you again.
So keep your secrets from me.
Keep treating me this way.
I will let you, I'll love you for it, even.
But then you will fall
Into death's welcoming arms.
And it will be your fault
For not acknowledging what you have.
Those three things. Your secrets, Me
And Death's Welcoming Arms.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
this is so right. sad and almost made me want to cry. it feels as if you have been through stuff like this. you write with so much emotion.
Thank you. And Actually everything in this poem really happened. Is that you in your profile picture? I really appreciate this
Thank you. And Actually everything in this poem really happened. Is that you in your profile picture? I really appreciate this
ooh, no it's not! found that picture here, it sorta relates to me, the guitar and all. it really happened, when? wanna know? *curious*
Lol. It's okay. Yeah This poem is a narrative actually and it all took place from 2011-2012 to now. The main character of the poem is actually a real person. I just didn't want to name names. Katie is real as well and so is Ben (although I changed their names for privacy reasons). So yeah.
ooh, okay, i do that too, but i don't use names at all!
Hey, Defying! I'm sorry I wasn't able to review sooner but I tried to get on as fast as I could. I'm sorry that you felt the way you described here, but in a horribly twisted way it all works to make a truly great story for your poem.
My favorite part was when you told about the time the main character told you to let all the pain in for only five seconds before letting it go and that they counted. It added so much character to this.
This was beautifully written, even if you may not think so. I know that there's no way I could have done this! You got your emotions across so well, I could feel your pain radiating off my screen.
I hope everything works out for the best and know that if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. I hope we'll be able to catch up sometime (-: Keep up the fantastic work.
-Kev
Thanks Kev, you're the best. It means a lot to know I have people here on YWS so support me. Thanks for the review
Hello there!
This poem of yours was certainly very dark. I liked that you have the reader thinking that it's the girl who is the troubled one, and than it's the guy, but than it almost goes back to the girl again. Because she can't seem to let him go, neither can he though...
It just made me think is all, and I like that.
To me, this sounds like it's more the girl frustrated with her life, like a journal entry, rather than a poem. But it's interesting that way, I think.
The 'in' should probably be a 'on'. But I think it sounds deeper the way it is. Kind of like you're telling us that he's broken. Abstractly, of course.
Now, I wanted to mention that the character 'Ben' is kind of just thrown in there. We don't really know anything about this random person. I think writing is like talking to a stranger; you don't normally say "Amy didn't do her homework." You say "My sister, Amy, didn't do her homework." because otherwise, we don't know who you're talking about. So maybe give us some hint about Ben... Wait, is the main guy Ben? If so, I'm sorry for that rambling! But if it is him, than we need more of a clue... Because I just thought of that after much contemplating.
So overall, I thought it was pretty good. Keep it up!
-Socks
No it's not. And I completely see where you're coming from. Ben is a person who wants to hurt the main guy. Thank you for your review
You're welcome
That was really incredible. The rhythm was off at a few points, but other than that it was perfect. The story that this poem tells is very modern in a way. It portrays many peoples relationships, be it unrequited or not, but it also expressed hurt and comfort in not many ways I have seen. It was good, keep on writing.
Thank you so much. This really means a lot to me