A/N: Written for English class, this is about my childhood from when I was probably about 7 or 8. I did not write it when I was that young, haha.
I see children running,
laughing and playing,
as they romp and sing in the street.
I hear people chattering
in different languages
their voice drifting through
the open window.
I smell ink and new paper
the crisp, crackling pages
Unleashing their homely scent.
I feel softness beneath me,
the feel of my bed.
My fingers are grazing the pages
before they touch the windowpane
and wander to where I belong.
I taste the bitterness,
the bitterness of being alone.
And then I step outside
as I join the laughing children.
Then I taste freedom.
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Canary word: Present
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139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
I really like the imagery in this piece! There is a lot of it, and it is quite vivid. Just a few nitpick things...
"the crisp, crackling pages / Unleashing their homely scent."
The "u" doesn't need to be capitalized in unleashing
"I feel softness beneath me,/ the feel of my bed."
Using the word "feel" twice in a row like that takes away from the flow of the poem.
I also think the ending of this piece could be improved, but I'm not exactly 100% sure how I would go about it. It just doesn't feel finished, you know?
I really like your work, by the way! I'm going to check out some more of it.
- Doc
I really loved how you mentioned everything about where you are from. Also I really loved how you mentioned all the 5 senesces. I was also glad to see that there was no grammar mistakes. As I can tell you have a real passion for writing. I really loved the ending when you wrote "Then I taste freedom." It was really special to me for some reason. I know that you can make a real special connection with your audience.
Your Friend,
RosePetal8965
Stop, Wait, I like this. ANd its for an English papper, i think you should turn it in. It has very good details and all i like the way you said it was when you where 7 or 8.
And thats when i thought back so very good.
I love when you say," I hear people chattering
in different languages
their voice drifting through
the open window."
I know about that because people talk in so many different languages. and it was i lke im at recesss and o can finally be free and injoy life i like it. Also i dont see anything wrong with it like GRammar, Errors nothing but that Good.