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Worlds Away From Us-NaPow 2

by EverLight

Planets spin,

Stars burn,

A sun shines in a different sky.

Vine-trees and red grass take root on different soil,

worlds away from us.

Though mans mind can dream of strange things,

Space is stranger still, filled with mystery.

Water rushes down unknown rivers,

Unnamed fruit is gathered and eaten,

worlds away from us.

A comet flies by an unseen planet

Passing unsurpassed realms,

worlds away from us.

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841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Tue May 15, 2018 5:39 pm
Radrook wrote a review...

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing these ideas concerning other worlds that have as yet been unseen by humans. I like the subject matter since the unknown it has always fascinated me. That includes the unexplored depths of the oceans as well as the views that might be provide vis the microscope.


The worlds that yo describe can be made ti fit the description better by adding more details to the categories you mention. I would describe how the fruits differ drastically from our own. How the rivers differ in strange and marvelous ways from those of Earth. How the sun is different-Red Giant? White Dwarf? Neutron Star? How are the trees different? Do they walk? Have eyes? Do the rivers flow against gravity? How is the grass different? Is it crystalline grass? The poem claims strange things and the reader expects examples. So I would tweak it in that way.

The poem need not be much longer to include such concepts. Adjectives would suffice.

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722 Reviews

Points: 26205
Reviews: 722

Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:59 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...

Hey Katnes,

Shady back with another review for you! Let's get started...

Honestly as I'm reading through this I can't decide if I really like it or kinda feel meh about it haha. I really like your concept. Worlds away from us -- alien sort of thing, it's repeated, I like that part. I like the idea of writing poetry about outer space.

However I'm not sure if the flow really works for this sort of poem. I enjoyed the concept, but in my experiences good poems tend to suck you into the narrative, to get you reading in a particular flow and want to read more and more. And this poem never got me sucked into it. I had a hard time feeling out the pacing and even harder time jumping into the flow.

I think this poem would benefit if you took a bit of time to re-work some of the wording, to improve the flow. The first two lines in particular feel a bit detached and impersonal.

Hope this helped!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

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325 Reviews

Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:21 pm
SunsetTree wrote a review...

This poem doesn't quite hit the mark for me. I think it's because you're trying to describe this unknown world light years away from us, yet you use imagery from our world to describe it. Rivers, fruit, trees and sun....these are nouns that we visualize, and just throwing "unknown" and "unnamed" in front of those nouns doesn't really change that for me.

I adore the concept, and you have a nice use of the language. I just think it needs retooled.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.