I'm going to tell you a story,
One of joy pain, and Heaven's peace.
You will see what happens
when we rise to the stars of eternity.
I've heard a lot about death,
I've heard a lot about the past,
I've heard a lot about the future,
But I've never heard a whisper about souls rising to Heaven.
Do they arise in shining faith?
Will they be renewed in a splendor of glory?
Do cats ever rise beyond the skies to Heaven's gaits?
Come with me and you'll see!
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi the @Katnes I am here to do a review on you poem, so the first thing that I all was notes is that your poem is too short, it is better to make it a bit longer than this, One of joy pain, and Heaven's peace, Okay so with this bit, that bit were it said One of joy pain, it is stanch so what I can say that you should do is say is like this, joy with pain is like Heaven’s peace, so it is up to you to decide what you think of it, You will see what happens, I feel like there is something missing here, I think that it is that end bit that is missing to me so here is what I would say, You will see what happens at that end of these past years, what do you think of that, when we rise to the stars of eternity, this needs one more word some were, it would make more sense if you said this, when we rise up to the stars of eternity. that up is making it sound a bit better, Will they be renewed in a splendor of glory? Okay splendor is spelt wrong you spell it like this, splendour see the u, so that is all that I can say about your work, so keep up with the good work,
From @MoonFlower
Good day Katnes!
So to begin with, I really like this concept you're working with. Your ideas are creative, and I have yet to read anything else that remotely broaches this subject. To top it off, I can see from your second to last verse that cats will be included in your subject matter, and I'm very fond of cats.
Suggestions For Editing suggestions in bold
(For two reasons. One, arise tends to make one think more of someone waking up, whereas ascend gives it more of a "going up type of feel. And two, in the verse prior you use "rising" and two verses ahead you use "rise," so using ascend breaks those up a little and eliminates repetition. Just a suggestion)
A "gait" is a term for pace, usually used to describe how a horses is walking/running etc. It is used for others as well, that is just the most commonly heard usage. A "gate" is a door. Simple mix up.
Conclusion
I like your use of punctuation in this work, I think it really adds to your work. Other than a few minor details, this work is executed quite well. I look forward to reading the future works for this series!
Thank you, for the spelling correction honestly I couldn't find the correct spelling for gate, I am really gratefull for that. Same for helping me out with that word arise.