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Forsaken

by EverLight


I forever wonder how I could have fallen

Fallen so far in love

I forever wonder how I could have loved

Loved so fruitlessly

I forever wonder how I could have ever cared.

Cared so much

I forever wonder how you could have forsaken me

Forsaken me so deeply. 


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88 Reviews


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Tue Oct 29, 2019 2:48 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



This is deep, and I love the structure. It's a beautiful poem about love, and in some respects, I can relate quite well. I really admire how you reinforce the verb of focus in every other line by beginning the following line with that same verb. I think it really emphasizes it and helps it stick in the readers mind. It also has a certain emotional grip to it. Very good job!!




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Tue Oct 29, 2019 3:12 am
dahlia58 says...



The structure of this poem is great. And the speaker's grief and pain are conveyed well. No mistakes. Fit for publishing.




EverLight says...


Thanks.
BTW-there was something funny about the way you said that. XD.



dahlia58 says...


Very blunt. I know.



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Mon Oct 28, 2019 9:54 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there EverLight! Niteowl here to review.

I think this poem taps into some universal emotions. At some point, everyone falls in love, feeling that hope for the future and dreaming of not being alone anymore. At some point, again, everyone gets hurt, betrayed, dumped, those hopes and dreams left shattered on the ground. And yes, we look back and wonder how we ended up in that mess in the first place and was it all really worth it.

That said, I think this poem could have a little more substance to it. Way back in high school English, a teacher reminded us that our thesis had to include the "so what"-the reason the reader should care about what you have to say in the essay. A poem may not be an essay, but you do still have to make the reader care. Right now, I know the speaker is sad, but I'm not given much to make me care about this person's sadness.

So how do you make the reader care? Get past the blatant telling of feelings and show me the highs of love and the lows of heartbreak. Give me details, images and metaphors that make me think "Wow, I've never heard it put like that before". Right now, I think the second couplet has the most potential here, because "loved so fruitlessly" gets my mind branching off into fruits and seeds and trees and barren fields which are ripe (pun totally intended) with possible images and metaphors. I might consider using this as a starting point to add something more specific, something to grab the reader's attention. Or maybe there's some other details you can work in to add some meat to the poem.

Overall, the poem does tap into a lot of universal emotions, but I feel like there could be more there to make it interesting and really capture the reader's attention. Keep writing! :D




EverLight says...


Actually, I had the feeling this would end up being a flop. I just wanted some others opinions. (Honestly! Teenagers are so picky about love poetry!!!)



niteowl says...


My teenage days are long behind me (thank God), but I've read a lot of poems on here (and written my own cringey poems that were torn to shreds), so it takes quite a bit to make a poem stand out to me.



EverLight says...


Ah ha. That explains it.



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Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:46 pm
StarLord wrote a review...



hey, StarLord here, with a grand review! (lol)
first off, this was real nice and lovely. you've got some deep stuff in there. but i agree with alittlelost-maybe you should cut down on the repetition. although i forever wonder is a nice thing to repeat don't get me wrong (lol again) but it can get tiresome. keep up the good work EverLight!




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Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:38 pm
alittlelost wrote a review...



Hello! Although I’m not the biggest fan of repetition, I really like how you used it in this poem. I especially liked the line “fallen so far in love”, it felt a little different from most overused lines about love, but it also had a touch of sweetness in the sense of familiarity - a really nice mix of both side of the coin.

On the other hand, the only suggestion I have, is to cut down some syllables or words when you repeat them. I personally find that repetition is most effective when it only highlights one or two words (that are not a mouthful). For instance, I found the repetition of the last word quite effective in every second line, however, I found that repeating “I forever wonder” in every other line a bit of a mouthful.

Regardless, this is only my perspective and I am no expert. Hope this is somewhat useful nonetheless. :)





Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop