Once upon a soul, there was a hero who dreamed
His dream was of a humanity saved from shadows
But this hero couldn't save himself let alone all of mankind.
He had made a million mistakes and had more then a billion faults
Once upon a chance, there was a hero who looked above
He had no cape, no mask, no armor,
The world around him had fallen into chains, a prison without end,
But he reached into the stars, and released the gruesome binds
Once upon a hope, there was a hero who had the courage of the sun
He could not bear to see humanity so desolate
So he made a choice that proved him noble
He told the world,
''If you must end a life end mine,
If you must crush a soul crush mine,
If you must break a heart break mine.
But leave the rest of mankind alone.''
His heart was broken into a thousand pieces
His soul was crushed into a chasm of nothing
And that's when his life ended, and the life of humanity began.
Once upon a sacrifice, there was a hero who became a legend
His name forever echoing through eternity
His deed resting eternally in the heart of man.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there, @EverLight! I'm here to review your poem.
@JabberHut already mentioned this in her review, but one of the first things I noticed in this piece was the religious undertone - or, at least, there was similarities shared with religion. I haven't gone to church in a long time, but I was reminded of what happened to Jesus in the Bible. I was actually surprised when his name didn't come up, or something that would sneakily confirm that it was about him - if I remember right, you've written Christian works in the past.
I don't think you should outright change your poem unless you want to, but this poem has the opportunity to be a really strong religious piece if you change some of the wording and add in references that would make it clear that it's about Jesus.
Religion aside, I really love this part:
The imagery and repetition would be great on its own, but I love how you repeated everything in reverse. The pattern was life -> soul -> heart -> heart -> soul -> life. The first time it was in decreasing importance, while the second time it was in increasing importance. I especially love how you added in the part about humanity at the end, despite it not being mentioned during the first three lines. It shows why exactly the hero made that sacrifice.
Great job on this poem!
Brilliant work. I like the style you used. Try to work on the length of you poem though no one can stop inspiration. I love the parallelism:
'If you must end a life end mine
If you must crush a soul crush mine
If you must break a heart break mine'
Keep the good work going. I'm inspired!
Thanks <3
Oooh, I really like the progression of a hero's growth through this piece. It starts out with such a strong image of a broken and hopeless man and ends with this strong and noble hero, the truest hero of the tales and legends we know.
And I think the coolest part is that there are more than just those two steps. The parallelism or repetition of that "once upon a soul" line really helps break this down. So we start out with this broken hero, go into a hero who looks hopeful and reaches out for help, then the hero who stands up for hope, and finally the hero who makes it to the status of legend. It's really such a brilliant story and such a creative way to structure the path to hero.
My favorite part of this piece is this part here:
This actually hits close to home, almost having a religious spin on this from here to through the rest of the piece. I kind wished the line on mankind actually ended with the word "mankind" for that slant rhyme in this portion, but that could just be me having expected something that just didn't happen. The words themselves were powerful and a very strong way to turn this piece around.
I thought briefly this might be a religious piece, but I liked taking a general approach to this, and seeing it with some structure to the path of legend for a typical hero stereotype. Reading about a hero who redeems himself is such a favorite tale for any reader, and seeing it with this/these character(s) in your piece was really awesome. It kind fits those tales of Greek heroes we've grown to study.
Very fun piece. I enjoyed the read!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks for your review <3. I'm glad you liked it (;
And 0o0. That's the first time you didn't go crazy on me XD.