Young Writers Society

Hi @katnes!

So i'm here for a review for this amazing poem that you wrote. I can feel your heart ache as if it was my own; and i'm sure the others who read this would also say the same.

So this is what i really liked:
First,

"I marvel at how you save your worst rebuke for the one you loved."
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that you hurt only the people you love, for if you did not love them, you would not be able to hurt them.
So it might sound like I'm on HIS side; but I'm actually not; i just really like how this thought gets portrayed here; how marvelously you spinned your poem on some of the most widely accepted nature of our hearts. Lines like:

"I tell myself I have forgiven you, and that your gone,
but deep down I have not forgotten you." where again you say how most of us, even though we might forgive (for it is not likely that we hold a grudge against someone we once loved with our whole heart). I notice you've written 'your' instead of 'you're' here (this has happened at other occurrences too), though, which is very rookie mistake and leaves a bad impression on the reader, so even though it might take that extra second, it's better to write it correctly then have the readers think you're amateur.

"I loved you . . . but you don't love me." so i see you've used both the past and present tense here. You say loved him, that you loved him some time ago and no longer love him anymore (that's what I believe it means, anyway), but at the same time, you are expecting him to be in love with still (as you used love in the present tense with him), which is a bit unreasonable. So i guess you actually wanted to write: "I loved you.... but you didn't love me." Tense is very tricky, especially when the narrator in present is talking about something that happened in the past, and it can get very confusing after a while; so its better to stick to just the past or the present.

There are also some lines that require clarification:
"Where your whispered endearments nothing and charming your charming manner just fast food?" no idea what these lines mean. Usually, punctuation helps a lot to tell the reader about your emotions, tone, and mood in the poem; do take that extra time perfecting it so that readers get a clear picture about what you are trying to say.

Don't take this to your heart, I meant all of this in good spirit.
Keep writing, keep improving.

This poem, these lyrics, this piece of literature is the definition of art. And soon, I will return to give it a full review, which is what it deserves.

Hey.....tinybookfarie here. I love this. You really put your heart into this. I remember when I had my first heartbreak, I said the same words...”I can’t do this”. I love this because it really speaks to me. When I first read it, it was like okay, but once I read more I was impressed. I’m really sorry for you, and I hope you will find that right person who will mend that heart of yours.
I don’t think there is anything that I can fix, only because I feel like i’m Going to change what your heart needed to say. I love this poem, and the words that you used were incredible and brilliant. If you ever need any advice....i’ll Always be glad to help you because I know exactly how you feel, and it crushed me to hear that someone else felt the same way. Honestly, if this was a true story, whoever hurt you is at fault here. No one should be treated like the way you were just did.
Pls keep writing and I really hope the best for you.

Hey.....tinybookfarie here. I love this. You really put your heart into this. I remember when I had my first heartbreak, I said the same words...”I can’t do this”. I love this because it really speaks to me. When I first read it, it was like okay, but once I read more I was impressed. I’m really sorry for you, and I hope you will find that right person who will mend that heart of yours.
I don’t think there is anything that I can fix, only because I feel like i’m Going to change what your heart needed to say. I love this poem, and the words that you used were incredible and brilliant. If you ever need any advice....i’ll Always be glad to help you because I know exactly how you feel, and it crushed me to hear that someone else felt the same way. Honestly, if this was a true story, whoever hurt you is at fault here. No one should be treated like the way you were just did.
Pls keep writing and I really hope the best for you.