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E - Everyone


by EverLight

Note: Prose suggestions are welcome of course, but I'm looking for tips on structure, effect, and imagary. 


The harmonious glory of the 'per'!

The symphonic mastery of the 'fect'!

The trumpet sound of the 'tion'!

Order, achievement, adoration

Things we all desire and require

But, here's a little secret-perfection lies

It presents itself in robes of silken blue

Adorned with jewels and diamonds

A wreath of roses around it's neck

To hide what's underneath-

Blemished,wrinkled skin,

Frayed, broken, hair

A neck aligned with scars

Perfection, it falsifies,

and twists reality to hide

what already is and was

Perfection, it testifies

to an empty promise

no doubt you've heard it's whispers

'if you do just one more little thing

if you be who they want you to be

if you make them proud to say your name

if you reach so high you crash and burn

you'll have every thing you've ever wanted '

But here's the thing they never say

Perfection cannot promise you tomorrow

for when the sun rises at the dawns call

and light paints the earth in scarlet flames

it falls away, and reveals it's true-self 

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525 Reviews

Points: 27067
Reviews: 525

Sun Aug 16, 2020 7:40 pm
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Tuckster wrote a review...

Hey there Ever! Tuck here with a review for you today.

First, I really liked the way this poem was clearly focused on a single topic. I think you picked a good subject to write about, and there's definitely space here to explore this in an intriguing way. There were also some brilliant lines -- my favorites were "Things we all desire and require" and "Perfection, it falsifies . . . Perfection, it testifies". The subtle rhyme scheme here set up a really nice rhythm for the poem, and I'd love to see some more of that interwoven throughout the poem!

Now, onto some critique...

I didn't think the beginning of the poem was a strong introduction. You're really just saying that you like the way perfection sounds. That's a perfectly fine thing to include in this poem, but I would incorporate it differently, perhaps by saying something like "the word rolls off my tongue, leaving behind the aftertaste of accomplishment". Something like this incorporates imagery and metaphorical language into your poem rather than stating facts.

I also would have loved to see you push the definition of perfection a little bit and challenge the cultural idea of perfection. You talk about how perfection is found in looking perfect, but where's the perfection in things beyond physical attributions? What's the cost of trying to achieve physical perfection? You move in this direction a little bit, but fall short. In that same vein, I feel that the ending was a bit weak. I like the idea that working towards perfection is not a perfect life insurance policy, but there was no example of that. You just stated, "this is a true fact", without providing an illustration that proves that. It doesn't feel like the right ending point for this poem.

Overall, however, there were some subtleties here that made it a nice poem. The capitalization near each line contributed to this idea of striving towards what is perceived as right and perfect, and there was the beginnings of a rhythm established through almost-rhymes. That being said, there are a few ways you could improve, namely tightening up the beginning and the ending and expanding the scope of the poem a bit more. I hope these ideas gave you some good starting points as you edit, and if you have any questions please feel free to reach out!


EverLight says...

Thank you for your feedback it was really helpful <33

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13 Reviews

Points: 410
Reviews: 13

Sun Aug 16, 2020 5:45 am
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penngreen4776 wrote a review...

Hi! I'm penn. I'm not the best at giving reviews like this, so bear with me.

Imagery, I have to say, is spot on. The first four lines make me laugh in particular, considering it's a simple word being described as harmonious, symphonic, and trumpet. Everything from "you reach so high you crash and burn" to "perfection cannot promise you tomorrow," hits quick and hard, and the last four lines in particular paint a rather colorful picture.

The effect this has coincides with the paragraph above. It made me laugh, the first four lines, before slowly falling into what feels like a secret, something that could get a man executed as they're revealed the truth of what they should've revered instead. The idea that something as beautiful and wonderful as perfection could lie? It seems somehow impossible yet at the same time obvious.

I'm not the best at criticizing stanza, so you'll have to wait for someone else to come along for that, but in this way it almost feels like there should be a beat to this. I feel like I should be listening to someone sing about how perfection lies instead of reading about it. Granted, that may be my fault, I don't read poetry too often, and I've been listening to rock all day long.

But I like this. 10 outta' 10, would read again.

Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!
— Allen Ginsburg