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Forever One

by EverLight


Bound to ever dance in shadows

Twin hearts of light in the wildest places of the night

You and I the stars and sky

Ever one

Our songs entwined

I cannot give your love to you

Nor can I embrace your soul so

Ever we roam

A memory of future hopes

Bound to ever dance in twilight

Twin hearts of love, the grandest places of a dream

You and I, the  stars and sky

Ever one

Our souls forever woven 

I cannot give your love to you

Nor can I embrace your soul so

Ever we roam

You and I

Twin hearts of devotion, in the wildest places of passion

Our love forever one. 


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150 Reviews


Points: 12425
Reviews: 150

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Tue Nov 12, 2019 8:05 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey EverLight! Katja here to review your poem "Forever One". As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make, should you find them unhelpful. With that being said, let's get into this review~

Overall Thoughts

Overall I really like the contrasting themes in your poem and the imagery used to convey a strong love~ I particularly love the description of the two being the "stars and sky" and how this repeats. I definitely noticed the lyrical aspect of the poem right away. Like the previous reviewer mentioned, it reads almost like you had a tune in mind while writing this. Lovely job~

My favorite part of your poem was by far...

You and I, the stars and sky


I love this line for it's significance to the poem itself but also how it reads as very melodious. :)

Suggestions

You and I the stars and sky


There should be a comma between "you and I" and "the stars and the sky" to indicate a pause. you do this the second time it repeats so I think it was just a typo.

I cannot give your love to you


Here I was a little confused. Not sure what you meant here, given the context of the rest of the poem? I would add clarity to this line~

Other than that, I would add punctuation to help make the poem more readable and formal~


Summary

Overall I like the imagery and theme of this poem which expresses a strong love between two people/forces that are "forever one". The wording and imagery are beautifully done. With a bit of clarity on a specific line + punctuation added, I feel the poem would be more readable. However, as it stands on its own, It is really nicely done~

I hope my review was helpful and I look forward to reading more of your work soon!

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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7 Reviews


Points: 120
Reviews: 7

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Tue Nov 12, 2019 12:04 pm
VanillaXKnight wrote a review...



I like this! The rhyme schemes and the verse structure are very interesting. It feels like you were creating this poem with a melody in mind. The metaphors and the theme of the poem was very excellent in my opinion. The only criticism I could give this poem is that the absence of any commas or periods sometimes disrupts the flow of the poem, because some lines are sentences and some are phrases but I can't tell which is which. Anyways, that's all! Overall a very good poem! Keep writing!

~Van





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