Young Writers Society

Radrook here to give a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. If I offend it is not on purpose. Apologies if I do. That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem where the speaker expresses a desire to be many things or else is enumerating the things that he or she already is. These include being a positive influence on everyone and especially on someone referred to as [S] to whom she is perceived as being bad news all the time.

The happiness of others seems to be [no pun intended] very important to the speaker. However, there is also a non-negotiable individuality that is expressed which takes priority. Being a good daughter but still doing whatever it takes to shine. To drive around later than required by parental authority or law? To smear a clean uniform with dirt. All these seem to convey that personality characteristic.

The parts which spoke of helping others reminded me of what Jesus told his disciples, that their is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving. It also vaguely brought to mind the famous expression found in one of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. “To be or not to be. That is the question.”
http://www.artofeurope.com/shakespeare/sha8.htm

The dramatic tone and the imagery kept me interested and it separated it from prose which is a big plus.



Suggestions

Using names instead of A, D, S, would have made the poem more powerful for me.

The letters made me pause repeatedly and wonder and in that way interrupted the flow.

Perhaps the word “exemplary” should be replaced with another more readily understandable.

[white-stained]

....and remember.... [This avoids an unnecessary repetition of the word “to”. It also avoids giving the impression that a new paragraph is about to begin.


To drive A around far too late. [him, her, Joe? Mary? around]

Below is how I would have organized it.



To be a good student

and carry an “exemplary” in my backpack

at all times i leave the house.


To be the shade of blue in the evening

that soothes my best friend as we walk.


To be capturing their eyes on camera

and on last picture of D, and one last picture of A,

before leaving, [and remember] all the moments not on a lens.



To be a writer in stanza form[,]

convey how my life was impacted

by souls i’ve met, people who’ve helped[.]

I dream that maybe I’ll help others.


To be a hand that guides the way, grips a softball,

shakes as it handles a microphone stand

for the first time.


To be a good daughter,

but maintain the colors that make me shine.



To be the red bead on my bracelet

for myself, for D.



To be the silver of my car at night,

To drive A around far too late.


To be a white-uniform shirt stained

by brushing a dirty hand against the fabric,



To be the good news for S for once

instead of bad news all the time.


To have S be there all the time.

to be everything important to you,



To be the evening shades of blue, red bead,

[white-stained] uniform, silver car.



To be the blue, the red,

the white, and the silver.
--


All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

I like how this poem is very personal yet vague. I wonder if "on last picture of D" was supposed to be "one* last picture of D, and one last picture of A?" Not a big deal though. I like how you called it a self-portrait and I think that's a beautiful description. It comes together as a list of all these things that the person is and wants to be, how they want to make others happy while being true to them self. It's a beautiful concept. I think the lack of capitalization and how the stanzas are set up may be a bit distracting. But, as long as it captures your style and the meaning you felt while writing it, then it's okay. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work!

Hello, EKK15. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I. CLARITY & MESSAGE
I have read the poem three times and I simply can not understand the message the speaker is trying to send to the audience. I want to understand it, but your poem is not very clear to me. Maybe you’d be able to tell me what it is because I honestly don’t have a single clue.

II. TONE
I also can’t tell what the direct tone of the poem is either. It’s like your poem is all over the place to me. I could be wrong. It’s hard to critique this because I am confused on the concept of the poem.

III. STRUCTURE
Okay, I might be able to discuss the structure of the poem. I like the two line stanza you’re doing there, but some of the lines seem off? Maybe this will help:

at all times i leave the house. to be
the shade of blue in the evening

This review courtesy of

I really like the 2 line long stanzas. It helps give the poem a unique flow wich really does work. I also love that instead of using names letters were used instead.
I was kind of messed up with he lack of capitalization in this poem witch could help make the poem much easier to read but because of this poem is telling it's story using mostly phrases instead of sentences capitalization may not work.
I also think that at the line "instead of bad news all the time. to have S be there" you should try putting " to have S be there" at the begenning of the next stanza so the who line is " to have S be there all the time".
You can also try doing the same thing at "to drive A around far too late. to be a" and make the next line "to be a white uniform stained:
But overall I like this poem and it sounds that could be really cool read out loud. It has this reallly cool very unique flow. I really enjoyed it.