i.
i met a boy a few months ago
who was inviting.
we would talk every day,
joking around and having fun.
he was trustworthy.
ii.
i knew this boy a few weeks later too,
who was charming.
we would have fun making up daydreams together.
he was so enrapturing.
iii.
i liked this boy a month and a half later,
who was sweet.
we would tease each other and laugh, sending happy emojis to each other.
he was simply incredible.
iiii.
i loved this boy two months later,
who was caring.
we would sing to each other and make up songs, taking walks and watching the stars at night.
he was breathtakingly beautiful.
v.
i adored this boy in three months time,
who was alluring.
we would send pictures and text so much - it was real, with the smoldering love i had for him.
he was absolutely indescribable.
vi.
i wondered about this boy some time later,
who was becoming mysterious.
we wouldn't text as much, nor would we be able to keep the happiness and light mood going.
he was transparent.
vii.
i cried over this boy i'd known for months,
who was leaving me.
we used to be such an amazing pair, and i was terrified of losing him.
he was sadly puzzling.
viii.
i hated this boy some point in time,
who was hurting me.
we would fight and argue over pointless things, trying to prove we don't care about each other.
he was changing.
viiii.
i knew this boy recently,
who was different.
we had loved each other and he left - he abandoned me...the darkness and blades sheathed me from his stinging words.
he was killing me.
x.
i used to know this boy...
he was heartless.
every night i couldn't eat nor sleep...merely existing took its toll on me... i feared i was but fading away.
he destroyed me...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi BlueRose!! Katrina Kimberly here with a quick review!
I really loved your poem, and I found it very relatable. Something along these lines has happened to me before, and I'm glad I found a poem about it that I could place myself in. I also enjoyed the repetition, I thought it really showed how the time was changing, as well as the people in the piece.
The only thing I would fix is a few common grammar errors, such as capatalizing "I", and things like that, but besides this, I thought it was a great poem!
I really loved your poem and am happy to find a relatable poem. I have one question that is slightly personal, and I understand if you choose not to answer, but is this poem a narrative piece?
Best of Wishes,
Your friend Kitty
Hey BlueRose15~ I'm here to review your poem! If you have any questions or concerns about my review don't be shy to PM me or comment them! Also I reviewed this at 1am so I might not be in the best state of mind (though I'm usually very active at night, I have to get up in five hours).
Now onto the review:
Personally, I felt this poem was long and repeated itself. I founded it boring halfway though knowing how distance the end was. Nothing seemed to give me any feels. You didn't linger on anything long enough for the reader to feel the words. The poem sounds like dialogue, like someone is talking to us and it lacks metaphors, imagery, and overall poeticness. You told us instead of showed us and I personally feel that is more of a crime in poetry than in prose (though overall no reader likes being told what to see, they like being shown what to imagine). I do like the style you have going when it comes to formatting. I think you could have cut a few stanzas and shorted out the longer lines a bit. I like the way you numbered the stanzas. I like the no capitalization. It's a thing I do too, haha. Hope I wasn't too harsh!
marmalade
Oh. Thanks.
Hello, Blue Roses! GreenTulip, just call me Tulip, here to give you a review on your poem this boy. I was intrigued by the title and the description. I have gone through something similar to this, so I felt the pain and feelings that came out of this poem.
Things to work on
Okay, so I noticed that on some of your stanzas that some of the lines were quite a bit longer than others in the same stanza. Unless you were looking just to have four lines in each stanza, I would suggest making it into another line. It makes it quite hard to read at times which is something you don't want to deal with.
I know that I don't always follow just a four line stanzas, hell in some of my poems, my lines vary stanza to stanza. Some people don't like that but if it makes the poem easier to read, why not do it? I can give you some suggestions, and now this- I don't want to make you feel like your forced to do what I suggest.
The first thing I'm suggesting is that instead of this boy I suggest you do This boy. Then at least part of your title is capitalized.
I would also just suggest that at least the start of new sentences are capitalized. I don't pay much attention to periods in poetry, so having them capitalized would help tremendously.
In this one I would separate this line between "laugh," and "sending". That way you don't have a super long line in otherwise short lines.
In this one I would separate this line between "songs," and "taking".
I would suggest breaking line at the hyphen. And capitalize the 'i" after love.
Instead of just keep listing all of the stanzas and where I would suggest breaking the line off, I am going to say that it is easier to split a line at a comma or a hyphen. Then it makes sense that you are breaking off the line there.
Things that I liked
I loved your poem, even though it looks like I said a lot of bad things on it. I really did, I promise. I liked the message that even if you see the good in a person and they treat you right at first something can happen to where you end up losing all feelings for them. No one should ever have to deal with that, but alas how our day and age goes about shit it isn't surprising.
Keep calm and write on,
~GreenTulip~
Thanks for the comments!