*author's note: touchy subject, not a very happy one. just be cautious if you don't want to read about explosive fighting or divorce*
How does one repair your parents' marriage?
When the evening winds down to you listening to music on your bed,
Just playing a dumb game on your phone,
When you hear the argument starting.
Your mom tries to express her concern,
Your dad snaps right back.
Your mom swears at him,
Your dad doesn't take it lightly.
They grow angrier.
You can hear the tension grow;
The arguments rarely dissipate.
Something is knocked to the floor.
You become increasingly worried.
Suddenly your dad explodes.
He screams at your mom,
He screams about his brother's sudden heart attack and death,
He screams about stress,
He screams about their marriage,
How it's failing.
The one thing you listen for,
The only thing you need to hear before running out to intervene before it becomes dangerous,
Is if you hear the sound of him hitting her.
It doesn't happen tonight.
But you know that divorce is inevitable.
But how do you repair their marriage when there's nothing left to put back together?
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139,533 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey, so yeah, this is really great and I love it. As a kid with divorced parents, I know how this can get. I'm gonna go line by line here, okay?
Line one: "How does one repair your parents' marriage?"
My only problem with this is that you change the PoV (Point of view) during the sentence. If you say "one," stick with it, don't say "you" again in the same sentence, it breaks the flow.
Lines Two, Three, and Four: "When the evening winds down to you listening to music on your bed, Just playing a dumb game on your phone, When you hear the argument starting."
I did these three together intentionally because I have something for ya! Try writing it without the word "When," but only in these three lines. Seriously. It'll help a little.
Lines Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine: "Your mom tries to express her concern, Your dad snaps right back. Your mom swears at him, Your dad doesn't take it lightly. They grow angrier."
Honestly, the play-by-play isn't necessary, but it's effective and I understand why you wrote it that way. Good job.
Lines Ten and Eleven: "You can hear the tension grow; The arguments rarely dissipate."
This is great, but id you know that by writing it this way, you're building tension in the poem? Not a bad thing, actually, the opposite.
Line Twelve: "Something is knocked to the floor."
Don't just say "something." Tell us what it sounded like. Try adding "I hear shattering glass." Or something to that affect.
Line Thirteen: "You become increasingly worried."
Worried about him hitting her?
Line Fourteen: "Suddenly your dad explodes."
Is it considered "Suddenly?" I mean, if the tension's growing, it kinda is expected at some point.
Lines Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, and Nineteen: "He screams at your mom, He screams about his brother's sudden heart attack and death, He screams about stress, He screams about their marriage, How it's failing."
This is a very important list, but the effect gets taken away when it doesn't flow, at the end, get rid of the comma and change it to read "their marriage and how it's failing." Also, I think that it'd be assumed that the brother died from the heart attack. If you have to keep the heart attack and death part, try changing the words up a little to make it less choppy.
Lines Twenty, Twenty-One, and Twenty-Two: "The one thing you listen for, The only thing you need to hear before running out to intervene before it becomes dangerous, Is if you hear the sound of him hitting her."
Try just saying, for the last part, "Is the sound of him hitting her."
Line Twenty-Three: "It doesn't happen tonight."
Maybe write in the relief that one feels knowing that their mom wasn't physically hurt this time.
Line Twenty-Four: "But you know that divorce is inevitable."
Maybe write in a part about how you can try to bring them to happier places. About how you'll try to keep them together, even when you think you can't anymore.
Line Twenty-Five: "But how do you repair their marriage when there's nothing left to put back together?"
This is an amazing conclusion to this emotional roller-coaster, and it reminds me, actually, of part of one of my own poems. The line in mine is "How do I glue myself together when I've lost all the pieces?"
Anyway, I truly loved this poem and I hope you keep writing. This touched my heart and I loved every bit of it. What an amazing, emotional poem.
Overall----9/10 congratulations!
Thank you Ghostie
Hey,
Let me first express to you the beauty you have in putting feelings you have into words.
i'm not sure what to classify this as, it's not necessarily a story or a poem, however it is lyrical, and also well put together. Using your suppressed feelings to write something like this is an awesome way to create masterpieces. I just want to encourage you to keep writing. The only thing I would change is maybe putting it together in a way where it has more rhythm.
Anyway, great job, and hang in there.
Thanks!
I can feel your sadness... I understand parents fighting and sitting on the bed with headphones trying to drown out the noise. I get it, so remember, you're not alone, sweetie. If you need me. I'm right here.
Awe thanks girl
I can feel the deep emotion in the poem. Wow.