MissDeprssed: I love you
NoDesires: I don't love you anymore
MissDeprssed: I want you
NoDesires: I once wanted you
MissDeprssed: Don't go
NoDesires: I hope you find someone better
MissDeprssed: I can't let you go
NoDesires: We can still be friends
MissDeprssed: Don't do this I need you
NoDesires: Good bye
MissDeprssed: No don't say goodbye
MissDeprssed: Please I can't lose you
MissDeprssed: This isn't happening. I'm having a nightmare.
MissDeprssed: You're gone aren't you
MissDeprssed: I'm so so sorry for everything I am
MissDeprssed: I love you so much
MissDeprssed: I don't think I can say goodbye
NoDesires has left the chatroom.
MissDeprssed has left the chatroom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there ! I just wanted to say this is really cool and quirky as a poem, like how you've set it up as a chat room is awesome. Sorta gives imagery of the situation in a really unusual way!
Each line was very dramatic and it could be suggested that they're almost too dramatic - I read the review below - he has a point but.. I still like it anyway xD ! But I admire how determined MissDeprssed is in making her boyfriend/ girlfriend stay.. That's quite a strong attitude and emphasises her passion.
I also thought it was interesting how you crossed out the lines that she says .. Perhaps demonstrating that they're irrelevant because he's made up his mind , or she's too afraid to say them.
Furthermore, the line about "sorry for everything I am" - I thought that was quite sad and made me question what's wrong with her? Perhaps nothing but maybe she's overthinking things.. (Sounds like me xD )
Anyway this was really coool! Write moreee I'd love to read!
Laurennnn
Hey, yo, CallMeFreak! Strange here on this wonderful Thursday night and I have a review for you!
Alright, so, I'm going to get the point. I apologize if I say anything that rubs you the wrong way. In no way do I intend to be pessimistic nor negative. I only offer critiques the way I see them and I hope that they benefit you in some way. Does that sound cool? Cool.
I wasn't really big on this. It is soaked in melodrama, and that is what hurts it. It looks at heartbreak through a glass that is generic. If I were to offer advice, it'd be to spice it up. Don't aim towards predictable lines and simple delivery. Sure, the chatroom theme was interesting, but it didn't do too much to improve the poem. Let's get into this, shall we?
Let's get onto the first line.
Bam, predictable. MissDeprssed is a go-to name to show heartbreak, depression, all that. Pick something else? It's easily the least ideal name there is to blow somebody's mind. Along with that;
You use these to show that NoDesires breaks MissDeprssed's heart. That's why the strategy has already become flat. It's typical, and lacks the new quality even though it's different than most heartbreak poetry.
Okay, so I'm selecting this as a chunk. But, it's melodramatic, as stated before, but it's also unrealistic. I've never seen a break up like this. Where it's so cold hearted, where they have no remorse. I've seen much worse, i.e cheating on them and never talking again. But this is...unreal. It's either go all the way or go home. Especially over a chat room. I have seen much worse.
To continue on that, this isn't really a poem. It's dialogue. It doesn't work. You could shape it to make it rhyme or do something pretentious. That would make it more interesting to read, albeit probably worse. It's right on the position of being bland, so if you want to at least work with it, go all the way. Make it ridiculous.
I don't know why the lines are crossed out. Sure, it possibly could be because you aren't telling him what you are trying to say or something like that. But, looking at some of those lines, that's not the case. The lines in chat rooms are usually crossed out once the other person leaves. However, once MissDeprssed is done speaking, with ALL the lines crossed out, NoDesires leaves. There is a consistency error with that.
Expected and predictable. It wasn't a strong closer. Or, it technically wasn't a closer, but the "left the chatroom" lines are so cliche I like to prefer these two lines as the closer. It's something I could have seen from a mile away, which hurts because this has a different premise with the chatroom aesthetic.
Overall, you have a lot of room to work with this. This could be improved on greatly. Add on time, make it more different, and most importantly, have fun. That's the number one rule of poetry.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
soo true...simple words conveyed so much pain..a very nice try
Hey
I really loved this concept of conveying unexpressed thoughts with strikeouts! For me those striked out lines are messages I type but end up backspacing while the ones I send are just covered lies. More often than not we end up hiding our true emotions just to save embarrassment. But there is no embarrassment in truth. There shouldn't be. I wish we lived in a world with unfiltered thoughts. Till then, poems like these help to pour ourselves into!
Thank you for your comment
Hey I am here to leave you a review
I loved everything about this poem. I loved the effects you made with the two opposites and how you managed to portray that with the use of strikeouts. At first i was going to comment on the lack of punctuation and stanzas however in this case I think its good that there isn't any because the lines are more like thoughts and raw emotion rather then a monologue or dialogue that a persona would have.
Another thing I like is that this can be interpreted in multiple ways. It can be either two separate people talking (one talking and the other thinking) or it can also be interpreted as just one person having to break away from a relationship that is either too unhealthy or because of certain situations. I would love to know how as the writer interpreted the poem or meant it to be interpreted.
Another thing I want to comment on is that the feeling of desperation at the end took my breath away. The use of the alternating strikeouts and then their significant present in the last lines reminded me of a beating heart accelerating.
I love it!
keep on writing!
~RS
I had my heart broken yesterday by a guy who was in love with me. Now isn't. But that's why I wrote this . it's like our last words to each other and thoughts that I can't bear to throw away
oh i am so sorry *hugs* i have been through it hun just take that pain and create more beautiful art like this and you will always be better.
thank you but it hurts
I know