the essence of you in springtime

by postmalone

I see your smile in the clouds;

hear your laughter through the breeze.

Your presence drifts in the meadow,

with your eyes carefully guiding me.

Your scent wafts all around me,

the familiar smell of you.

I myself have never seen

a sky so sweet and blue.

I love the way you whisper

through the whirlwinds of peace --

caressing my heart in your embrace,

my comfort shall not cease.

I feel your touch in the flowers,

knowing your love is so true.

Your spirit drifts among the bees,

and all I crave is you.

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Tue Apr 25, 2017 12:26 pm

Virgil wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I could see this as an ode, almost, as Hannah points out how it's dedicated and based on a single person. I like that aspect of the piece, the focus that you have on your topic and how the piece doesn't deviate too much from this other person in the piece.

I'm indifferent on the structure of the piece, which is just four quatrains with a rhyme scheme that seems to be abcb, since your first and third lines don't share a rhyme, which I think it would flow better and be more interesting if they did. It's a nice piece with simplicity, though some may find that a bit of a flaw, I don't see it to be that way.

What I do think you could have added more of in the piece is imagery, and while your imagery is fine here, it doesn't quite give off the whole picture. I want more sensory details here, and I almost want more of a description of the actual physical appearance of the other person. On the other hand, you could do that while still making these metaphors of how this presumed-to-be significant other is related and similar to nature, having each stanza talk about a different aspect as you begin to do here. That way, you can hone in on the specific details and make for a stronger atmosphere.

Other than that, the flow could be a little smoother as Hannah said, and I think that the rhyme in the piece runs quite smoothly, and I wouldn't mind if you made the whole piece rhyme. If you have any questions, feel free absolutely free to ask!

I hope I helped and have a great day!

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Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:58 am

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Hannah wrote a review...

Hello, screamingsloth. Nice to meet you!

Oh my goodness, those last two lines are so rich! Drifting among the bees not only gives that sense of movement, but also a texture, because I imagine bumblebees, fuzzy and squishy and warm. So then the spirit is like the bees, fuzzy and squishy and warm, and yeah, I would crave that, too.

So I really like the goal of this poem, as far as I understand it -- a praise of a person. Gosh, it's been a while since I've written a positive, loving poem like this. I also do appreciate the choice to rhyme, but I know from experience how hard it can be to make the rhyme natural. Here are a few lines that I thought felt forced/unnatural, that you might want to work more on if you have the time:

I myself have never seen

caressing my heart in your embrace,

my comfort shall not cease.

knowing your love is so true.

Now, it feels like some of these were made awkward because you were trying to keep with a rhythm and thus found the need to add extra words like "myself" or "so". Although it fits the rhythm, it muddles your language -- I would take the time to try to rework those lines so they are naturally full, and not full of filler! The other section I think has strange phrasing -- "my comfort shall not cease" -- because it wants to rhyme. But the purpose of rhyming is to lull the reader into that song, and if I get kicked out of the lull because of strange phrasing, the rhyme's purpose is not fulfilled anyway! Also, I am not sure what "caressing my heart in your embrace" means, so maybe that section could be changed altogether.

When I read through the poem again, what really stands out to me is the strong verbs you use: wafts, drifts. I notice that you use drifts twice -- is there another word that would work better in the first stanza? Drifts feels natural with bees, but less so with meadow. Maybe glides?

Anyway, I hope this review is a bit helpful for you. PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks for sharing!

Hannah

postmalone says...

*becomes a fuzzy warm squishy bumblebee* such a cute analogy. Thank you for the tips & your opinion. I'll take it into consideration. Have a nice night/day!