drunk driver

Bonjour, screamingsloth.

I'll start off with criticism which is contained in the spoiler then go into the positives of this piece at the end of the review.

Hey, Remington38 here again : )

I keep seeing your name and it's always followed with a wow. That was so amazing and the punctual and almost staccato beats of this give it so much impact on the reader. The thoughts and just the simplicity resonates with you. I also like personally how you didn't make anything big or over the top; you only used an exclamation point a few times and that makes it speak louder. Very much like the Teddy Roosevelt "Speak softy and carry a big stick". I also love how we know just as much as he protagonist, how we are right along side their thought process. Well, except for the title of course XD. The ending ties it together perfectly. This was so wonderful and I really liked it!

Wow! Like some other people said, I thought the person was the driver until the fourth last line! I love how with short sentences you managed to stick the scene in my head. Great work! I can see why it's in the literary spotlight

Hey there screamingsloth.

I feel that the most brilliant thing about this poem is that you do not realize (at least, I didn't) until the last line that the narrator is in fact the victim, and not the drunk driver. As Machupicchu said, your use of short sentences is indeed very effective, and conveys a feeling of urgency and sharp, intense crashes, for some reason. It's especially useful when describing an accident. I also did see it all visually, but as a driver, and only by the last line did I revisit the mental picture as the victim. You have managed to create a vivid, sharp account of a painful incident, using only simple words and short phrases or sentences, which shows your true prowess as a writer. Overall, great job.

Sadie

Hey there screamingsloth.

I feel that the most brilliant thing about this poem is that you do not realize (at least, I didn't) until the last line that the narrator is in fact the victim, and not the drunk driver. As Machupicchu said, your use of short sentences is indeed very effective, and conveys a feeling of urgency and sharp, intense crashes, for some reason. It's especially useful when describing an accident. I also did see it all visually, but as a driver, and only by the last line did I revisit the mental picture as the victim. You have managed to create a vivid, sharp account of a painful incident, using only simple words and short phrases or sentences, which shows your true prowess as a writer. Overall, great job.

Sadie

Awesome job on the poem
Everything, from spelling to grammar is correct and this adds to further enjoyment of the poem. I read it twice to catch every detail in it. The ending is excellent and I'm very glad everything came out right. Your use of short sentences is very effective, as it creates an atmosphere of tension and of the unexpected. Also the words used give the reader a scene which they can visualise. What I also found interesting about this poem is that it was written as if the accident happen in seconds. Then comes the emotions and feelings and that happiness of the character when he discovers he is still alive, and capitalizing some words helped a lot as well in conveying this emotion. When I first read the poem I was like Wow this poem is simply brilliant and I still have that opinion. Furthermore, it gives an excellent account of those scary seconds when you know an accident is gonna happen, knowing that you can't do anything about it. And the thoughts of the driver as this is happening. The past, present and future of an accident, in a way, are described in your poem



Well done! Keep up the good work!

Hey screamingsloth! I must say well done! The poem really brings out the essence of thrill,suspense and fear while maintaining its rhythm and flow. At points it may seem slightly monotonous or out of flow, which again might cause the reader difficulty in getting the whole point of the poem but on the whole good job. The vocabulary could have been a bit better too. Still, I would say that keeping in mind the immediacy with which you wrote the poem, this work is surely deserving of appreciation. Keep writing!!!

Hey there screamingsloth! Great job on the poem!
I really liked being able to visualize everything as it unfolded. I felt that it was fast paced, but for the topic that you are covering, I think that fits perfectly. I think I almost would have used less periods and more commas or no puncuation at some points at all. Reading it over the first time, I found myself skipping over a lot of periods. It's really a personal preference on how you want your poem to flow though.
One thing that I felt as a reader was that I wasn't fully emerged in what was happening. I have no idea how to fix it, but I felt a bit disconnected from the speaker. I didn't get that full immersion that I think it key for a poem like this.
Grammar and conventions was generally good, just make sure you stay consistent with verb tenses, because I saw you switch it up a few times in the poem. That wasn't a glaring issue though.
Thanks for sharing your poem, I think you did a great job overall! Have a fun time at band camp

I just read your poem and...WOW!!! I mean, I had to read it thrice and each time, I was speechless. How can you be so perfect? The words, the punctuations, the spellings, the emotions...everything was so beautifully composed. Using all those two-worded sentences like "Lungs burst", "Head pounds" etc made the poem extremely unique and powerful. You were able to show the reader the pain and bedazzled state of mind of the injured man on being hit out of nowhere by the drunk driver in a very amazing manner. The message of the poem is very relevant and important in today's age. I personally feel that not using stanzas and keeping the poem short and simple (it shows that the injured man is too hurt and bewildered to speak or think much) with equal emphasis on the injured man's physical condition and thoughts makes this poem special. This is one awesome poem! Keep up the good work!!